I’d never be the man my mother dreamt I’d be. I was ruined, floating in darkness, and I’d let it consume me. I’d let it consume me every fucking time.
I grasped onto the doorframe, hoisted myself into a standing position and slowly walked to the sink. I turned the faucet on and rinsed my mouth out. The light over the sink was too bright and making my eyes hurt, but every time I closed them the images flooded my mind. But in that memory it wasn’t Sophia’s image on the TV, it was Emma’s.
I knew Donicko was fucking with me. I knew he was riling me up, but why? What was his purpose? It had been almost thirteen years. What could he possibly want from me?
I splashed cold water on my face and patted my cheeks with my hands. I felt drained, but I could still feel the anxiety, fear, and loneliness creeping inside, the darkness burning, itching under my skin.
I reached a shaky hand out and opened the drawer. I stared at the razor willing the feelings to go away, but I knew they wouldn’t. I knew it was the only way to get it to stop. It was the way my mind was programmed. Nothing would ever change. I’d be that way forever.
Grabbing the razor, I immediately brought it down to my hip, dug it into my skin and pulled. It wasn’t a surface cut.
I groaned out in pain as the razor pulled at my skin, tearing a chunk away due to the remnants left on the razor I hadn’t cleaned off from the last time. It was a stupid mistake and the pain made me queasy, but I still felt that sense of relief.
I looked down at my hip, at my torn flesh, and dropped the razor to the floor. There was no other way to describe me other than to say I was a monster.
Everything I’d done had led to it, even the scars I’d put on my body.
I watched as the blood ran down to the floor, my penance for all my wrongdoings. I was the spawn of a monstrous man, so I was bound to be a monster, as well.
I looked up into the mirror and stared into my eyes, eyes that didn’t belong to my mother or John. I never questioned why I was the only one with eyes the shade of the sky, why I was granted my handsome looks. Maybe it was all a test. Maybe I was meant to look pleasing to gain the trust of others. Looks were, after all, deceiving.
Rage built in my chest and I lifted my hand and roared as I punched the mirror. I punched it until every shard of glass was spread out around me. I hated my life and who I’d become.
I didn’t dare look at my knuckles and fingers as I sat down on the floor among the glass. I knew they would be a mess, but I deserved everything I could do to myself.
I was nothing and I would stay nothing until the day I died.
Chapter 29
Emmalynn
I woke with a start, sitting straight up in bed as my heart pounded in my chest. Something woke me, but I had no idea what it was.
Looking around the room, it took me a moment to figure out where I was, but then a smile crept up on my face. Thoughts of the night before played in my mind, his actions saying everything I’d needed to hear. I knew he was a complicated man, but this was turning into something. I could feel it with every touch. Mason was an amazing lover and he took me to heights I’d never been to before.
Glancing to my right, I noticed he was no longer beside me. I knew he didn’t do sleepovers and I didn’t have any intention of staying, but I had no control over the exhaustion of my body.
Getting out of bed, I stretched my worn-out muscles before going to use the restroom. After I was done, I picked up my discarded bra and thong and put them back on. I had no idea what time it was, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to get back to sleep so I set out to search for Mason.
I was walking toward the door and stopped short when I heard a shrill yell followed by the sound of broken glass. My eyes widened in fear and my body froze in its place. I knew it was Mason. It had to be.
Without thinking, my body moved and I was walking in the direction where I continued to hear glass break. It was coming from a room at the end of the hall. The door was wide open, but barely lit by the sun just beginning to rise.
My heart was beating wildly as I walked past the threshold; I could feel the pounding coming out of my ears. I didn’t know what to expect when I walked in and in the back of my mind I was telling myself to hightail it out of there, but it was being ignored.
I entered the room and looked around. The bed was still made, but the light to the bathroom was on with the door partially opened. The noises stopped and I held my breath, thinking I would be less conspicuous if I wasn’t heard breathing so heavily.