Afterward, she wanted to curl into a ball at the far edge of the mattress, as far away from him as she could, to try to figure out what had just happened.
But its aftermath dropped Law into an exhausted sleep so quickly and so deep that she couldn’t move him an inch off her. He had clamped his body down over hers, as if shielding her from an exploding world. And he never let her go, all night long.
He might not have offered her tenderness but he knew how to protect, even in his sleep.
Now, watching him put on one shoe, swearing under his breath from the pain his ill-fitting prosthesis caused, Jori couldn’t order her feelings, or her hopes.
She had known from the beginning that easy wasn’t part of his vocabulary. Law was a complicated angry man no longer certain of his place in the world. That lone-wolf image was a good one. But she had thought she could make things better for him.
Last night had shown her, for better and for worse, that being with Lauray Battise was not, maybe never, going to be easy. Maybe not even possible.
“Had enough?”
He stopped and watched her. She just stared right back. There was so much she wanted to say.
I can’t begin to understand what losing a leg and Scud cost you. But I’m proud as hell of you for clawing your way back. Making your body work again. Enduring everything. I want to weep for you but I won’t. Because you don’t need that. But don’t think you’re the only one who’s screwed up and confused. You came into my private space and shattered my peace. I know I said I could handle it. You, here and gone. I’m not sure anymore that I can handle it. Or you. Or even want to. No. I want to. I’m not at all certain I should try.
She didn’t say any of that.
She came up on her knees on the bed. “Listening to people talk last night about financial investments and charity balls and tailgate parties. Who’s on the fast track and who’s peaking too soon. Half the time I didn’t know what they were talking about. I’m no longer of their world. I don’t belong anywhere, either.”
He shook his head like a bull annoyed by a biting fly. “You have a way back. You have your family. I saw you with them. I saw how they look at you. They love you. They’ll do anything to help you.”
As I would you.
But she couldn’t say that, either. Much too exposure for her. She wasn’t sure what love was. But this—whatever it was—felt like something precious, something to hold on to.
Law wouldn’t hear it if she said that last night hadn’t made him appear lesser in in her eyes. It had made her feel that, at the very least, he trusted her.
She didn’t have to hear him say he didn’t trust easily. She’d heard it in his explanation of the events in Afghanistan that led to his wounding. His anger at his unit. At what he perceived as a military cover-up after the fact. Even in his grudging respect for his sister and what she’d done for him that was tinged with a resentfulness she didn’t understand. Who didn’t want help?
She wasn’t going to walk away. She just needed to come at him in a way he would understand. And that would give them a chance to move past last night.
She knew this much was true. He was about honor, and duty. And persistence.
She slid off the bed, leaving the protection of the covers behind as she walked naked across the floor and reached for her undies.
When she had that much armor on, she turned to him. “You promised you’d help me clear my name. I want you to keep that promise.”
He stared at her, the pain in his expression so raw it made her stomach clench. He watched her for what seemed like forever, his breath coming and going harshly through his teeth.
Finally, he straightened up from the chair on which he sat. “I can’t be what you want, Jori. You’re starting to dream. I can see it in your beautiful face. I won’t do that to you.”
“Is this about your dad?” Somewhere in the jumble of misery that poured out of him during the night he’d even told her about his father’s philosophy about women.
Law shook his head. “This is about how I don’t know how to be with you. With anyone. I’m messed up.”
“Is that what he told you? Then fuck him.” She saw his eyes buck wide. “Yes, I said it. Screw your dad for trying to keep you from needing love. That’s cruel. Everybody needs somebody.”
He looked at her. The hunger for her was so plain on his face, it made her ache unbearably.
She came to stand before him. “You’re not like him, Lauray. You’re your own man.” She reached out and touched his face very gently. “And I like that man.”
He gripped her about the waist hard. No lover’s touch. He clutched her like a man going under for the final time. “You need to stop being nice to me.”
“Why?”
“Because I’m going to start wanting to believe you. And I can’t risk that. I’m not ready.”