Kim opened the top drawer of the bedside cabinet and took out a small white envelope.
One piece of paper was all she had. Just the sight of it was enough to bring the emotion to her throat. She held it close to her chest as though it would bring them back. Like a catalyst, the memory shot her back to three days after her thirteenth birthday.
* * *
‘Make sure you give that letter to Miss Neale,’ Erica said.
‘For the third time,’ Kim mumbled heading for the door.
Erica pulled on her jacket hood. ‘Hey, little miss, haven’t you forgotten something?’
Kim had allowed herself to be pulled backwards and turned into the firm embrace of her foster mum.
Most days she just rolled her eyes and accepted the inevitable. Usually she simply tolerated the display of affection that came so easily to the woman.
‘Go on, off with you. Have a good day,’ Erica said, walking her to the front door.
Kim adjusted her backpack and went on her way. During the short walk she resolved that tonight would be the night she would spend some time in the kitchen. Erica was always asking her to help cook and she always made her excuses and went to the garage instead. Keith’s bike building always took her attention first. But it was important to Erica, so she would do it.
At fourteen minutes past eleven the head teacher walked into her History class. He whispered something to the teacher and then his eyes searched the room.
They eventually fell on her.
Kim immediately thought of the letter in her bag that she still hadn’t handed in. Would Erica really inform the head?
He appeared beside her and touched her shoulder.
‘Gather your things and come with me, Kimberly.’
His voice was soft and gentle and nothing like how he normally spoke to her. With a sinking feeling she knew it was more serious than the letter.
‘Something has happened, Kimberly, and I’m going to take you to your… ummm… aunt’s house.’
The headmaster continued to hold on to her shoulder as he guided her out of the school.
She was confused. She had no aunts. Suddenly she realised he was talking about Erica’s sister, Nancy.
The sisters were not close, and Kim had met the family only twice during the three years she’d been in Keith and Erica’s care.
Kim asked a dozen times what was happening during the short car journey, but he would not answer. She asked him to take her home. He ignored her. She asked him to call Keith and Erica. He swallowed and looked away.
The fear was rising around her stomach as she followed him up the path of a house she’d never seen before.
Nancy opened the door and the confusion on her face quickly turned to horror.
She looked at Mr Crooks. ‘Why have you brought her here?’
‘Family needs to be—’
‘We’re not family,’ she spat. ‘This child is nothing to me. What on earth were you thinking?’
Mr Crooks was clearly uncomfortable. ‘I thought when you called to inform us that you wanted…’
Nancy’s lower lip trembled. ‘I called so you could make the necessary arrangements.’
Kim watched the exchange while the unease continued to build within her. She wanted Erica. She wanted Keith.
Finally the fear inside her exploded. ‘Will someone please tell me what’s going on?’
Nancy’s mouth dropped open. ‘You haven’t told her?’
Mr Crooks shook his head. ‘It’s not really my place to…’
‘Neither is it my…’ She shook her head and sighed heavily. Finally Nancy looked at her properly.
‘I’m sorry, Kimberly, but Keith and Erica were in an accident. They were on the motorway. I’m afraid they’re dead.’
Kim felt her mouth drop open and although she was still looking at Nancy, Nancy was no longer looking at her.
She was looking at Mr Crooks. Her expression said ‘there, I’ve done my bit’.
‘But… th-they can’t be,’ Kim stuttered as her mind tried to digest what she’d heard.
She shook her head, looking from Nancy to Mr Crooks. She waited for someone, anyone to tell her it wasn’t true.
Once again she felt Mr Crooks’s hand on her shoulder. The tears began to bite at her eyes, and she shook off his touch.
She looked up at Nancy’s face, desperate for something that said it was all a lie.
The woman took a step back into the house. ‘I’m sorry but I have to… I have things to…’
Neither she nor Mr Crooks moved an inch.
Nancy hesitated for one more second. ‘Kimberly, take care and I wish you the best of luck, but you’re really not part of this family. Now I really must get back…’
The words trailed away as the door closed firmly in their faces.
Kim stared at the door for what seemed like hours but could only have been seconds before Mr Crooks guided her gently back to the car.
She was vaguely aware of Mr Crooks picking up the backpack that she must have dropped as she walked. Her legs faltered. Somehow she had lost the ability to put one foot in front of the other.
He held her up and bundled her back into the passenger seat. She stayed exactly as she’d been placed as Mr Crooks began to drive.
Her heart was screaming that it couldn’t be true while her head knew that it was. No one would have said such cruel things had they not been true.
She wanted to throw the car door open and run along the streets back to the house she had called home and check.
The part of her heart that had finally allowed itself to break free and love screamed and cried.
They were back home. They had to be. Keith was scouring the newspapers and internet for bike parts. Erica was preparing pastry for a home-baked steak pie for supper. She tried to hold on to that thought but it wouldn’t set.
It was only when Mr Crooks stopped the car that she realised she was sobbing from the bottom of her heart.
Kim never saw her home again.
By lunchtime she was back at the children’s home she’d left three years earlier. Four hours later two bin liners arrived containing her clothes.
There had been no further communication from her ‘family’, and the funeral had taken place without her.
It was only later that Kim had learned they had been on their way back from a meeting with a lawyer who specialised in adoption.
* * *
Barney had come to sit and lean against her leg. The tears were now cascading over her cheeks, and the pain inside was as raw and powerful as it had been that day.
Kim still held the memory of those warm arms around her, the aroma of Youth Dew encasing them both.
And in the years since that day Kim had remained eternally grateful for one small detail of that morning with Erica.
On that last day, Kim had hugged her back.
Maybe Daniel didn’t know the reasons that she couldn’t offer so much of herself ever again or understand why she committed everything she had to her work, but she knew that it was how she stayed safe, and nothing would persuade her otherwise.
She dried the tears and placed the piece of paper back into the drawer.
She had no regrets.
There were people that needed her to be the person she was.
She took out her phone and tried Tracy Frost’s number again.
Sixty-Four
Why did you take me THAT DAY, Mummy?
How could you not have known what would happen?
After taking me to the toilet Louise stared at me all the way until lunchtime. I smiled, hoping she would smile back and she did. Kind of.
There was something about her that reminded me of Lindsay. I wanted her to like me. I wanted her to be my friend.
Louise found me a seat at lunchtime and then left me to eat on my own. She was a popular girl. Running from group to group and making them laugh. And in-between she would look over at me with a puzzled little frown on her face. I smiled and I waved, praying she would come over so that I wouldn’t be on my own.
I chewed my way through sandwiches that tasted like pieces of wood. I stared down to the bottom of my lunch box. I didn’t want to look around.
Finally she came and sat beside me.
‘We have PE after lunch,’ she said. ‘You can be my partner if you want.’