“Jane,” Andrew repeated, his voice low. He’d been trying to talk to her about Martin since they got home, but Jane was too afraid that speaking to him would open something inside of her that could not be closed.
She told him, “You should go to the doctor.” Her fingers fumbled with the tiny pearl buttons on her blouse. She yanked a pair of slacks off the hanger.
“I feel—” His head slowly moved from side to side. “I feel like something is missing inside of me. Like an organ has been taken away. Is that strange?”
Jane tried to zip up the side of her slacks. Her fingers felt clumsy. She had to wipe the sweat off her hands. The pants were tight. Everything was tight because she was pregnant and they had killed their father and they were probably going to kill more people by the time this was over.
“Andy, I can’t—” her words were cut off by a sob.
I can’t talk to you. I can’t listen to you. I can’t be around you because you’re going to say what I’ve been thinking and it will end up tearing us to shreds.
How had Laura Juneau done it?
Not the physical act—Jane had been there, she had witnessed every single detail of the actual murder and suicide—but how had Laura flipped that switch inside of herself that turned her into a cold-blooded killer? How could the kind, interesting woman whom Jane had smoked with in the conference center bar be the same woman who had taken a gun from her purse and murdered a man, then herself?
Jane kept coming back to the expression of absolute serenity on Laura Juneau’s face. It was the slight smile on the woman’s lips that had given her away. Clearly, Laura had been totally at peace with her actions. There was no hesitation. Not a moment of second thought or doubt. When Laura’s hand had reached into her purse to find the revolver, she might as well have been looking for a pack of chewing gum.
“Jinx?” Andrew had turned back around. There were tears in his eyes, which made Jane cry even harder. “Let me help with this.”
She watched him tug up the zipper on the side of her slacks. His breath had a sickly smell. His skin looked clammy. She said, “You’ve lost weight.”
“Here it is.” He playfully pinched the new roll of fat ringing her waist. “Nick said we’ll get through this, right? And Nick’s always right, isn’t he?”
They smiled, but neither one of them laughed out loud, because they didn’t know whether or not Nick was listening on the other side of the door.
“We should try to pull ourselves together.” Jane found some tissue. She handed it to Andrew, then took some for herself. They both blew their noses. Andrew coughed. The rattle in his chest was like marbles clicking together.
She put her hand to his forehead. “You need to go to the doctor.”
He shrugged, asking, “When?”
The bathroom door opened. Nick came out, naked, toweling his hair dry. “What’d I miss?”
Andrew offered, “I’ll go downstairs before Jasper comes looking for us.”
“You go, too,” Nick told Jane. “Wear the boots. They’re more intimidating.”
Jane found a pair of black socks in the drawer. She slipped them on over her pantyhose. She held up a few pairs of boots before Nick nodded that she’d found the right ones. She was leaning over to do up the buckles when she felt Nick pressing behind her. He talked to Andrew as his hands rubbed her lower back. “Jane’s right. You should make time to go to the doctor. We can’t have you sick for the—the funeral.”
Jane felt bile slide up her throat as she finished buckling her riding boots. She didn’t know if it was the awful morning sickness or the fear. From the beginning, Nick had been playing these unnecessary verbal games. Jane knew he got a thrill out of picturing an FBI agent sitting in a surveillance van down the street, hanging on his every word.
He put his mouth to her ear again. “Knock them out, my darling.”
She nodded, telling Andrew, “Ready.”
Nick slapped her ass as she left the room. Jane felt the same deep flush of embarrassment from before. It was pointless to ask him to stop because begging only made him worse.
Andrew let Jane precede him down the front stairs. She worked to cool the heat in her face. She knew that Nick had grown up unloved, that it was important to him that people understood he belonged, but she hated when he treated her like a hunting trophy.
“Okay?” Andrew asked.
Jane realized she’d put her hand to her stomach. She had not told Andrew or anyone else about the baby. At first, she’d persuaded herself that it was because she wanted Nick to be the first to know, but as the weeks had passed, she’d realized that she was terrified that he would not want the baby and she would have to explain to everyone why she was no longer pregnant.
Next time, he’d told her the last time. We’ll keep it next time.
“Miss Queller?” a man was waiting for them in the front hallway. He had his wallet open to a gold shield. “I’m Agent Barlow with the FBI. This is Agent Danberry.”
Danberry was standing inside the parlor with his hands clasped behind his back. He looked like a lesser version of Barlow: less hair, less confidence, less teeth, even, because he appeared to be missing an upper cuspid. He had been talking to Jasper, who was dressed in his Air Force Reserve uniform. Medals and colorful bars lined her brother’s chest. Jasper was twelve years older than Jane, the over-protective brother who had always been her anchor. He had attended her concerts and asked about her schoolwork and taken her to the prom when no one else would. Jane had always seen him as a miniature adult, a heroic figure who played with his toy soldiers and read military history books but could reliably be depended upon to scare the hell out of any boy who dared hurt her feelings or to give her cash so she could buy lipstick.
“Miss Queller?” Agent Barlow repeated.
“I’m sorry,” Jane apologized, taking a tissue from the box on the coffee table.
Barlow seemed chastened. “My condolences on your loss.”
Jane wiped her eyes as she looked in the mirror behind the couch. Her skin felt raw. Her eyes were swollen. Her nose was bright red. She had been crying for almost five days straight.
“Take your time,” Barlow offered, but he seemed anxious to begin.
Jane blew her nose as quietly as she could.
Nick had made them practice their statements for hours, but nothing could prepare Jane for the stress of being interviewed. The first time, she had sobbed uncontrollably, panicked that she would say the wrong thing. In subsequent interviews, Jane had realized that the tears were a godsend, because crying was what was expected of her. Andrew, too, seemed to have figured out a strategy. When a tough question was put to him, he would sniff and wipe his eyes and turn his head away while he considered his answer.
It was Nick who made them nervous—not just Jane and Andrew, but anyone who happened to be in the room. He seemed to get a perverse pleasure from taunting the agents, going right up to the line, then inventing an innocent explanation that pulled them back from the brink.
Watching him with the Secret Service agents yesterday, Jane had wondered if he was suicidal.
“Jinx?” Jasper said.
They were all waiting for her to sit down. She perched on the edge of the couch. Andrew sat beside her. Barlow sat on the couch opposite with his hands on his knees. Only Jasper and Danberry remained standing, one to pace and the other, seemingly, to inspect the room. Instead of asking a question, Danberry opened an onyx box on one of the bookshelves and peered inside.
Across from her, Barlow took a notebook out of his breast pocket and thumbed through the pages. His eyes moved back and forth as he silently read through the notes.