I know that no matter what, even if we had just remained friends, you still would be my side. God allowed me time with the girl of my dreams and even allowed me to call her my fiancé. How could I ever complain?
I’m probably dying. I can say that on paper, but not out loud. The doctors have already told me that they cannot continue treatment with chemo, my body isn’t reacting well. Instead of it killing the cancer the drugs are killing me. The next step is a bone marrow transplant and we’re on the hunt for the donor. Luke and Sam are probably taking bets on which one of them will be the perfect match. I just hope it works. The thought of dying isn’t as scary as the thought of never seeing you again. To never see my sweet Cara go through all the milestones of life that we have been talking about.
It’s funny the, things I told myself I had my whole life to do, and procrastinated doing them, are things now I wish I had done. I want you to know I never thought I’d get married to anyone other than you, even when we were just friends. You used to tell me that you could picture your wedding but never the man you married. It was the opposite for me. I just pictured you. You’ve been asking me to marry you, not even caring what day of the week it is or if you even have your dress. The dream you had of your wedding, you’re willing to give up. You’re so hell bent on marrying my crazy ass that you’ll marry me in a hospital room. I’m flattered baby. So, fucking flattered. I keep telling you I’m going to get better and when the cancer is gone, you’ll get your wedding.
We’re not going to get married Cara. I want to explain why, so that when I die, you don’t hate me. I can’t leave this earth knowing that when I die, your future would die along with me. You’d be married to my spirit and to our past. You’d never look to fulfill your future. You wouldn’t remarry and have a family. You’d be alone, clinging to the past. You’d sit by my head stone and talk to me as if I was standing in front of you. Time would stand still for you and before you know it you’d be old and gray just waiting to be in the plot beside me. There would be no children and there would be no stories to tell your grandchildren. Don’t shake your head, I can picture you shaking your head and crying right now as you read this. Stop it. You know I’m right. I’m always right. Guess what I’m doing right now as I write this? I’m wiggling my eyebrows, because you know I’m right.
Seriously babe, I don’t want that for you. I want you to live your life. Go get married, have some kids, name one of them Jake. I’ll watch over them just like I’ll always watch over you. When your husband accidentally electrocutes himself hanging Christmas lights, know I’m even looking out for that son of a bitch too. Know that I’m happy that he’s giving my girl a chance at a good life. You’ll always be my girl, lucky for him; my mom taught me how to share.
Maybe you’ll never read these letters, but I have to write them anyway. I want to be there for you, when I know you’ll need me the most. Just always know I love you.
Love Always & Forever Yours,
Jake
Jake stared down at the words he scribed for a moment before closing the leather bound journal. He took a deep breath, feeling the relief wash over him. It was the one thing he could do for her if he died, he’d be there to help her move on. He’d be able to go to the pearly gates with a clear conscience, knowing he took care of his girl.
“Hey, there you are.” Cara said as she stepped onto his parent’s front porch. She held out a glass of water to him.
He smiled up at her. “I’m just getting some fresh air.” He placed the glass of water on the table beside him and took her hand, pulling her onto his lap.
Cara smiled at him and held out her palm. “It’s time for your medicine.”
Jake’s eyes widened mischievously. “Why baby, are you trying to be my naughty nurse?”
She smirked but her eyes watched him warningly. He opened his mouth and she placed the pills upon his tongue. He reached for the glass of water and swallowed the pills like the perfect patient he was.
“Now that I was such a good patient, don’t you think you should reward me Nurse Cara?”
He said as he wiggled his eyebrows.
She wrapped her arms around his neck and leaned her forehead against his. “How do you suppose I do that?” She said, mustering up a seductive voice and treated him to a kiss.
“Why don’t we go inside and see what pops up.” He suggested and cut off her laughter by kissing her sweetly. He made a mental note that in his next letter he’d have to thank her for being the best kisser. In fact, he was going to dedicate an entire letter to her mouth.
Acknowledgements