“Yes.” She heard him say, softly. She imagined he felt a little of what she was feeling, as he was still in the dark too.
Her eyes didn’t leave Jake’s. He may be hurting, but she wanted to see that she was too. Only she was hurting because of him.
“Cara, wait.” Jake said his voice was just above a whisper. “I’m sorry.” He threw his head back and stared at the ceiling. “I’m so sorry.” When he looked back at her, his eyes were watery, she knew he was holding back tears, and whatever this whole charade was about, was eating away at him. She ached for him. She wanted to be the one who made everything okay for him, for all of them, she thought. But he was making that impossible.
“There’s something I have to tell you.” His voice breaking as he said the words. Sam got up from cradling her mother, and eyed Luke, to take her place. Like an obedient puppy he went and sat with their mother as Sam took a seat next to her brother. She grabbed his hand and clutched it like she was radiating whatever strength she had left in her to him.
“You can say it. It’s not going to change anything.” Sam whispered to her brother and pressed her lips to his cheek. She looked around the room. “Why don’t we give them some space?”
“It doesn’t matter.” Cara said and closed the space between them. She kneeled in front of Jake, watching as Sam slipped away from them. She took both of his hands in hers. “Please tell me what’s going on.”
He reached out and touched her hair, looking at it as if he was for the first time. “You love me?” He asked as he searched her face.
“I love you more than anything.” She said so sure of herself, so adamantly.
He smiled, genuinely and she felt her eyes close for the briefest of moments as his knuckles caressed her cheek. “I love you Cara.” He leaned his forehead against hers. “I have cancer.” He whispered, and once the words escaped his lips, he dropped her face and let her process the word.
She leaned back on her heels and stared at him. Surely, she didn’t hear him correctly. Did he just say he had cancer? Cancer. She shook her head and he just nodded.
“I didn’t want to tell you, because I don’t know what stage it is yet. I don’t know what kind of treatment I’ll need.” He said softly.
She felt as if she was switched to auto-pilot. “Where is it?”
“In my lymph nodes, I have Non-Hodgkin’s Lymphoma.”
It struck her like a Mack Truck, he had just been diagnosed with Cancer, and his first concern was keeping things from her so she wouldn’t worry. He always put her first even now. She knew him and knew what he was planning, he’d get the facts and make light of everything, so that it would be easier for her to deal with. She shook her head.
“I know you love me, Cara and it’s the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me. But I don’t want you to think you’re stuck in this mess with me. More than anything, more than getting well, and living my life, I want you to be able to live yours and live it fully. I don’t want this to bring you down, so –“
“Oh My God, shut up!” She said as she scrambled to stand up. “Let’s get some things straight okay?” She looked around at the family who was pretending not to listen, but crying because they had listened. “I want you all to hear what I’m about to say, so listen up.” Her tone was harsh and demanding, and she knew she’d apologize later for it. She turned back to Jake and took his hands in hers, kissing each of his fingertips before squeezing his hands in hers. She took a deep breath, surprised by her own strength, and her lack of tears. “I love you Jake Lanza.” She smiled at him, holding his gaze. “It doesn’t matter that you have Cancer. It doesn’t matter that we don’t know what stage it is. It doesn’t matter that we don’t know what your treatment will be. It doesn’t change my love for you. You want me to live my life and live it well? That’s great, but my life is meant to be lived with you. So we’re not going to worry about anyone but you right now, do you understand? There’s no good life, if you’re not in it.” She watched his face; he stared at her with love in his eyes as tears slid down his cheeks. “We’re in this together. All of us.” She gestured towards his family and then settled back on him. “No giving up on me, Jake. You’re going to kick this diseases ass, and leave a wake of destruction behind.” She winked at him, before wrapping her arms around him and pulling him to her. He fell into her arms and clutched her to his body. She pulled back slightly and pressed her lips to his. She kissed him desperately, willing him to fight for his life. “Say the words Jake.” She murmured against his lips.
He pulled back, cupping her face in his hands. “I’ll fight with everything in me.” His thumb traced her lower lip and he smiled at her. “No giving up.”
She threw her arms around him and buried her face in his neck. Together they were going to embark on the biggest fight of Jake’s life.
Chapter Eighteen