Kalli,
I wish there was some other way to contact you, but all I can find is your address. I hope you’re doing well, although I suspect you aren’t. I know I have no right to hear from you, but please consider reaching out. I’d love nothing more than to talk to you.
Sincerely,
Kevin
“Who the hell is Kevin?” Riot asked, his voice instantly cold and harsh. It matched what I was feeling on the inside. However, in addition to the cold harshness, I was also feeling immediate anger, raging anger at that. I was enraged. Absolutely aflame with anger. This flame, however, was empty, cold, and dangerous. My fingers tightened around the paper of the card and it started crumpling in my hand. My heart was thundering in my chest and all I could feel was its echo throughout my body. “Kalli? Who is this Kevin guy?”
“Kevin is my father.”
As it turned out, the cards were not stacked in any particular order. They also didn’t have dates on them. So, after I’d opened them all, read them all, cursed my father’s name, then read them again, I only had a general idea of the timeline. The early ones were easy to spot, the first one being the most obvious.
Kalli,
I just heard about your brother and I am so very sorry. I wish things were different and that I could be there for you at this trying time, but I know you’re in good hands. I think of you often and wish, every day, I’d made better choices all those years ago.
Sincerely,
Kevin
He knew I was in good hands. Huh. That was interesting. I was in good hands, but those were the hands of people who’d known me less than two years. They weren’t family. I’d just lost my last piece of my family. Well, except Nancy. But Nancy had been just as broken as I was.
I was so angry at him. Angrier than I had been in a long while. He had no right to weasel his way into my life, especially not when I was defenseless.
Despite my anger, I was silent as I read the cards. That seemed to be the hardest part for Riot. He sat on the bed, next to me, reading the cards over my shoulder, asking me time and again if I was all right, but I couldn’t answer him right away. I didn’t know if I was all right. I couldn’t fathom anything right then besides devastation.
Kalli,
I know you’re going through a lot, but I can’t sit by anymore not knowing if you’re all right. Please, call me. 619-555-8652.
Sincerely,
Kevin
I read that particular note over and over again, wondering why he’d been able to go for more than twenty years without knowing if I was okay, but all of a sudden he’d been desperate for information. I closed my eyes, tossed the card on the floor, pulled up my knees, and rolled to my side. It wasn’t even a full second before Riot’s firm warm body was behind mine, cocooning me, his arms wrapping tightly around me.
“He can’t ignore me for most of my life and then decide, all of a sudden, to care,” I whispered. “It’s not fair.” A different sort of panic was coming over me. I wasn’t anxious, but I could feel the eruption of emotion coming and anticipating it was causing just as much panic.
“I know, baby,” he whispered into my ear. But he didn’t. His parents had been there from the start. Both of them. He’d never had to wonder why his father didn’t love him enough to stick around. Never had to spend nights in bed thinking about the fact that his father felt tied down by him, felt like he wasn’t free anymore. Suddenly, it was all too much.
A strangled sob broke free from me, and I cried out. Again, in less than a second, Riot had turned me so I faced him, and his arms brought me close, holding me to him, allowing me to cry into his chest. I didn’t need him to understand my pain, I only needed him to be there for me. That’s all I’d ever need from him, just his presence. That was also the one thing I was afraid to lose the most. I’d always been afraid I was broken like my father. Afraid that no matter what, I’d never be able to stick around for someone I loved. Afraid I’d fall in love, maybe even have a child, and then realize I wasn’t built to love that way.