“Do you want to go to bed? I could go get you some more water.”
I thought about his question, and bed seemed like a good place to be at that moment. The idea of slipping into our plush, comfortable bed, wrapping myself up in the fluffy comforter and Riot’s arms seemed like the smartest step I could make. But then I thought about Ella’s voice, how she and Megan sounded so concerned, and I didn’t want to disappear. I didn’t really want to face them, to talk to them about what I’d just been through, but I cared too much about them to let them come to their own conclusions. I shook my head at him and he nodded, touching his lips to my forehead again.
After a few minutes, when I’d felt more like myself, I took in another deep breath and then pushed it out slowly.
“I think I have to go back out there.”
“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to,” he said, protective Riot making an appearance.
“I know,” I said, bringing my hand up to cup his cheek, “but I do want to. I want to go back out there and show them that I’m okay. And I want to try and play Monopoly like a normal person.”
“If you start to feel stressed out at all, or like you’re going to panic again, I want you to tell me, and we’ll come back in here. Promise?”
“I promise.”
He held my gaze for a moment longer, but then backed away and helped me hop down from the counter.
When I came back into the kitchen both Ella and Megan stood up straighter and both their men flanked their sides. I felt Riot at my side as well, and then he laced his fingers through mine.
“I’m sorry about that.” I took in a deep breath then pushed it out. “Ever since Marcus passed, sometimes when someone says his name, or brings him up, or something that reminds me of him, it makes me panic. It usually happens when I least expect it, and the only thing I can do is ride it out, try to keep breathing through it. I’m really sorry if I scared you, but I’m okay.”
“How can we help?” Ella asked immediately.
“Forget it happened?” I replied, giving a weak laugh. She wasn’t amused.
“Seriously, Kalli.”
I shrugged. “There’s really nothing to do. Riot reminds me to breathe, breathes with me, sometimes he counts. But besides that, try not to tiptoe around me. The only way it gets easier is to get through it. So don’t treat me any differently.”
“Riot said you have triggers,” Megan said.
“Yeah,” I nodded. “Marcus and I played Monopoly almost every night.” I felt Riot’s lips on the top of my head, and I’d never needed a kiss more than I needed that one.
“Oh, Kalli,” Ella whispered, her hand coming to cover her mouth as Porter turned her into his arms.
“We didn’t know,” Megan whispered, Patrick wrapping an arm around her shoulders.
“No, I know, and this is what I didn’t want,” I said, tears starting to form in my eyes, stinging and burning. “I don’t want you guys to feel like I’m fragile, because I’m not. I can handle all this, I can handle the panic and the sadness and the emptiness, because I know it’s only a fraction of my life. Yes, I miss Marcus, and no, nothing will ever replace him, and sometimes the loss of him overcomes me, but I’m okay.”
My friends seemed stunned by my declaration, but I didn’t want to be the poor emotional friend. I needed them to look at me like they had before his death, before they saw me crumble.
“So, I need a shot of vodka and I call the thimble.”
It took a little while for my friends to relax after I’d basically yelled at them that I was emotionally stable. But the shots Porter and Patrick brought to the table helped immensely. We all gathered around their big kitchen table and began playing Monopoly. I wanted to make it through the game, or at least last as long as everyone else, without having a breakdown. And surprisingly, actually playing the game didn’t send me into a spiral of depression or anxiety.
On my first roll of the dice, when I’d landed on the railroad, it was almost as if Marcus had rolled the dice for me, leading me to my old comfortable routine. Whenever I used to play with him I’d buy all the railroads, never trying to buy properties. I recognized that strategy for what it was. It was the same way I’d coped with life: never put down roots, have a soft spot to land wherever I went, but heaven forbid I invest in anyone else, or myself for that matter. So, when I landed on the railroad, I made the decision not to buy it. No one really noticed how big of a decision it was for me, but I knew. It was symbolic of how my life had changed in the last few months, how it was a representation of how my life had changed since Riot came into it.
Later, when I bankrupted everyone with my purchase of Boardwalk and Park Place, as I watched all of my friends and the love of my life slowly lose all their money and curse my name, I realized I’d been playing the game all wrong my whole life.
Chapter Fifteen
Viewpoint
Riot