“Nope,” he said, unwinding them.
Willa sat down on the bench across from him, taking a sandwich for herself. She took a bite, chewing thoughtfully while Lucky demolished his then another.
“What are you thinking about so hard?”
“I was wondering if God counts it as a lie if you cross your fingers. I’m going to add it to my list.”
Lucky stopped chewing. “What list?”
“I have a list of questions I’m going to ask Him someday. Like, do more women or men go to Heaven? Does He really love all the creatures He created? I don’t think I could love a bat. Could you?”
“No, I don’t think I could,” Lucky admitted, his lips twitching. “What else are you going to ask?”
“Who’s the worst sinner in history? Who’s the worst sinner in our church?”
“I can answer those two.”
“Okay, who?”
“Shade is the worst sinner in history. I’m the worst in our church.” Lucky tried to make a joke out of his answer, but his hazel eyes held a pain that Willa wondered at as she stared at the cross necklace around his darkly tanned skin.
“I don’t believe that.”
“Believe it.” Lucky laid his hands down on the picnic table. “Since I was a child, I’ve always wanted to be a pastor. I would watch my father behind the pulpit and knew that was where I belonged. I became a youth minister then became a pastor over my father’s church by the time I was nineteen. I believed I would spend the rest of my life there in that small town. I even had a high school sweetheart I intended to propose to when the time was right.”
Willa didn’t interrupt, imagining him as a young man with all his dreams coming true.
“One night after service, I was putting up the Bibles that had been left on the pews. At first, I thought the voice I heard was a parishioner who had come back. It wasn’t. I heard His voice as clearly as if He was standing next to me.”
“What did He say?”
“He said, ‘There is more.’” Lucky stared down at his hands. “I was being called. A month later, I joined the service. Then I finished my degree before I was shipped out.
“It took one week before I realized I didn’t know shit about life. I ran around, trying to save as many souls as I could before the enemies took them, but I lost more than I saved, mine included. I told them we could get out of there, go home. They placed their faith in me, and I let them down.”
“No.”
“I did, Willa. I rode back on the plane with their bodies and informed the families, watched their hearts break, and knew they would never be the same again.
“I married Knox and Sunshine. I still see them together that day. Knox was so happy, and Sunshine looked beautiful. A week later, I was telling Knox that she was gone.” A tear slid down his cheek. “I’ll never forget his face. Knox is as big as a mountain, and he fell to his knees, crying. After that, I couldn’t do it anymore.
“I took the Seal training, left being a pastor behind. I didn’t lose my faith in Him, though; I lost faith in myself. I had to learn differently—to take a life instead of saving them. I began to enjoy the adrenaline rush when we were in combat. This way, I was making a difference. I was saving the brothers I served with, giving them a chance to make it another day.
“I became tight with Bridge. We had gone through training together, spent vacations together. I got to know his family. Mine were all gone, but his took me in and made me one of their own. When his younger brother joined, Bridge called and asked me to watch out for him, and I swore I would. I made another promise I couldn’t keep. I promised he would make it home, but he died his second week there.”
“You can’t blame yourself.”
“Yes, I can. I left him behind.”
“You had to have a reason.”
“The reason doesn’t matter. He’s dead, and Bridge wants payback.”
“Payback?”
“He wants me to lose something I love, to feel what it’s like.”
“Is that why you bought Ria when we pretended to be engaged?”
“Yes. I wanted you to be protected when I couldn’t be with you. That’s why I only went out with women who would be able to move on when Bridge grew tired of me waiting to fall in love. He doesn’t know that I found what I was searching for. I found that out when you nearly died, when Ria gave her life for yours.”
“What did you find?”
“I found home. You were what I had been searching for all along. I didn’t want you hurt because of me, yet you almost died. None of us know how long we have on this earth.”
Lucky stood up, coming to sit down next to her with his back to the table. Reaching into the picnic basket, he took out a ring box.
“I love you, Willa. Will you marry me?”