Bull’s heavy hand pats me on the shoulder. He’s been at my side constantly. I don’t think I would have made it through this without him. I look up at him and see approval in his eyes. I can’t smile, but I give a faint nod and swallow down my fear of seeing Dani.
I follow Carrie down the long hall to Crusher’s room. He put Dani in there the moment he brought her back and he stands watch over her night and day. I’ve only seen him a couple of times, but the truth is, I don’t think he’s doing so great either. I haven’t talked to him. I don’t ask. I don’t have the energy. He nods at us, as we walk past. His eyes have that faraway look in them I’ve noticed lately. I shrug it off.
Carrie knocks on the door, opens it and then stands back to let me in. I’ve barely stepped over the threshold before the door closes behind me. I know she shut it gently, but the sound of it closing seems to echo loudly in the room.
Dani’s lying in bed. Her face is still swollen, and the bruises have taken on a purple and black shade. Her arm is in a cast, and her entire hand is splinted and bandaged up. I can’t tell it from the cover that is pulled over her, but I know that her ribs are taped. Guilt swamps me, looking at her.
“Stop that Nic,” she says and her voice is surprisingly strong, if not still hoarse. There are still rope burns around her neck where Michael had strangled her.
“Stop what?” I ask trying not to stare at her hand. Even if I can’t see where the finger is missing, I know that it is not there.
“Stop feeling guilty, stop avoiding me, stop trying to keep it together in front of me. Pick one. Hell, pick all three.”
“Well, you seem to have me all figured out.”
“Sometimes, it’s not that hard.”
I let out a breath and sit down in a chair across from her. I’m wearing leggings and the red sweater dress that Dragon always loved. I pulled my hair up high on my head so you can see the tattoo on my neck that declares I belong to Dragon. I do, I always will. I’m still holding his cut close to my stomach; I’ve not let go of it, really, since Bull gave it to me. Having it close, sleeping with it, makes me feel closer to Dragon. Last night, I even dreamed he laid down beside me. It was the sweetest dream I have ever had. I felt his arms go around me and my breath almost stopped. I told him I loved him and he whispered it back and asked me to be strong for our baby. The memory of that dream is the only thing that has kept me going today. It’s the only thing that has kept the darkness from swallowing me whole.
“I’m sorry I can’t be with you, Nic. I want to be.”
“To be honest, I wouldn’t know you were there. I barely know anyone is around.”
Silence. It’s awkward and stiff between us in a way that it never has been before. I don’t know how to fix it. I don’t even know if I want to try. I love Dani…I do. I’m just so tired.
“How’s the baby?”
It bothers me that she doesn’t call him Baby Dragon, since she has from the moment we found out I was pregnant. Dragon may be dead, but that doesn’t change the facts that this baby is his.
“He’s good.”
“Zander says you haven’t been eating.”
“Zander…how did I not know that you and Crusher had gotten so close?”
“We hadn’t—not really. It was just sex,” she shrugs.
“What is it now?”
“I don’t know. It’s not sex now, that’s for damned sure.”
I nod, “Did Michael…did he…”
“I don’t want to talk about it. Not right now.”
I don’t push, because I can understand that.
“I’m sorry, Nic. I know all of this is my fault and I’m sorry. I thought if I left, Michael would leave you all alone. I was wrong…and I’m so sorry. I know you probably hate me right now and I don’t blame you. I’ll leave as soon…”
“I don’t hate you.”
“Still, I’ve cost you so much and my brain is so screwed up that I just keep fucking up your life and I, hell I don’t even know what I’m trying to say.”
“I’ve made my own decisions, Dani. If anyone is to blame for Dragon’s…if anyone is to blame it is me. I should have told him sooner about Michael. I should have trusted him and put him first.”
Dani flinches. I scored a hit and I didn’t even mean to, not really. I can’t do this. Not now. Seeing Dani makes my guilt suffocate me.
“I need to go,” I say standing up and walking towards the door. I need to escape.
“Nic, please. I’m so sorry…”
I turn to look at her and she looks so hurt and sad and it physically wounds me, but I can’t give her what she wants. I can’t.
“Being sorry doesn’t change anything. Not a damn thing. I am sorry! I’m sorry I brought this into Dragon’s world. I’m sorry that I put Dragon in danger. I’m sorry I let my loyalty to you overshadow my loyalty to Dragon. I’m sorry I can’t go back. Because if I could, Dani? If I could go back? I’d choose Dragon! I wouldn’t keep your secret. I would tell Dragon everything and not listen to anything you said. I would have slapped your damned face the very minute you told me I couldn’t tell him. I would have…”