“Maddox?” I implore.
“This is you not running?” he questions, solidifying that he did, in fact, read the letter I’d left him. “You think I haven’t felt that pull? Jesus, Emmy, it’s so strong that I feel like I’m being sucked into a vortex. I’ve pushed and pushed, not to reject you—even though I now see my mistake—but to protect you. That love that you’ve been offering, I want nothing more than to take it and run. I have so many demons, Emmy. So many that they are woven into my very being, and I’m goddamn terrified that, if I take what you’re offering, even the platform, that promise of love, that you’ve been building won’t be strong enough, and when I tumble down, I’ll take you with me—straight into the pits of hell.”
He forces out a laugh and bends slightly at his waist, his hands going to his neck and his fingers clenching in frustration.
“Your words play in my head night after night, and fuck me if I didn’t recognize it before now, but you’ve been fighting those damn demons back even without knowing it.” He steps closer, and I have no energy to move back. I stand still, shock rooting me in place, and try to desperately process his words. “Someone told me earlier tonight that I needed to be brave and strong and show you my love. Laid out there in black and white by a damn kid,” he laughs. “He pulled my head out of my ass in two seconds, Em.”
“Mad—” I start.
“No, Em, let me finish. It’s not going to be easy for me, this whole getting words out when I’ve spend so long training myself to keep them in. For you, though… For you, I’m going to try, yeah?”
I nod and wait for him to continue. Both of us stand there, so close yet so far.
“The day I met you, my body was screaming to run. I hadn’t felt like that…ever. You brought out every single emotion that I had been fighting to keep locked away. I’ve feared every second since that those holds would never be strong enough against you. Jesus, Em, you have to understand this is new to me.”
“I know that, Mad,” I whisper.
“I pushed you. I hurt you—God, I hurt you—because I could never live with myself if the demons, the darkness, the evil inside me harmed you.”
“So you just decided to do it yourself? Save your stupid demons of darkness the trouble and just handle it?” I snip at him.
He at least has the decency to flinch. “Something like that, Em. It’s all I know. It’s the only way I could think to protect you and that was a vast mistake on my end. I want to let you in, Em. Fuck—I’m willing to goddamn beg if that’s what it takes for you to just believe that I’m here and craving just a sliver of your love. I honestly don’t know how to make it any clearer.”
“Just like that, Maddox? You want me to believe that, just like that, with one snap of my fingers, you’re going to be able to miraculously let me the hell in? Because I’m sorry, but I’m not buying it. I can only take so much before I’ve just had enough. I’m not even sure if I have the fight left in me for the both of us.”
His eyes close at my words and his head drops slightly. “No, Em, I don’t expect you to just believe me like that. But let’s get one thing straight—it doesn’t matter if you have any fight left in you because I’m going to fight hard enough for both of us now, angel. It’s time for you to hand over all of that strength and maybe give me a few pointers, but it’s time…time to let me fight for us.”
I gasp, tears forming and rolling over my eyes without my permission. He doesn’t even give them a chance to fall before he takes his hands and frames my face, kissing each one as quickly as he can.
“Please don’t give up on me,” he whimpers.
That sound coming out of him is my undoing. A deep sob bubbles past my throat and I wrap my arms around him and hold him tight.
Our grips on each other don’t weaken. My tears soak his shirt and his breathing never slows, his heart beating rapidly against my cheek. I want so desperately to believe him, to take this lifeline that he’s thrown my way, but I’m scared.
The doubts and fears of what happens when he stops believing in us are almost too much. I need to think. I need to get my head together without him around, and even though I want to beg him to stay and take the comfort his arms are offering, I have to take this time—even if it is just tonight—and figure out once and for all if this is a road I can continue down.
Pulling back, I meet his eyes and tell him the only thing I can right now. “I need time, Maddox. I’m not asking for a lot, but just give me tonight…please.”
“I’m not fucking leaving, Emersyn.” His tone leaves no room for argument, but I know that, if he really means what he just said, he’s going to have to learn to give a little and not take it all.
“You really don’t have a choice right now, do you?”