I text Elise, to see if she wants to come over and watch TV or something, and she writes back WITH HEATHER OMG.
Distracting myself from LBC isn’t working, so I go through their profiles, instead of waiting anxiously for them to say something about my post. I click on Star first, but she doesn’t have any new updates, presumably because she’s caught in a haze of love and sex and long, meaningful looks. She’ll have to fly back home eventually, so she must be savoring every last breath of being with this guy.
I get a fuzzy feeling of yes in my chest. I think about kissing Joe again. I keep returning to the scene of the crime, because the way it makes my organs flip-flop is addictive. I bet that’s how Star feels about her guy. Maybe more than that, even.
Then there’s Agnes. I’ve been following her with almost the same intensity with which I’ve been following Star, but with less gleeful results.
I picture her with stringy hair dyed black and alien-sized eyes. I picture her skinny, with elbows like arrows and a not-ugly but not-sexy mole on one cheek. She half frightens me and half intrigues me. She’s smart and strange.
She’s the best LBC-er, I think, doing every single Assignment without questioning, and pushing everyone else to do the same.
I like her, because she likes me and Joe, or what she knows about me and Joe.
AGNES: DETAILS!
ELFBOY: Do you feel bad? Like a bad person? Do you believe in karma?
ZED: We expect you to share so we can all learn.
ROXIE: ????
@SSHOLE: Don’t hold back. This shit’s good.
I still feel a sting on my lips from where Joe’s teeth bit into me a little. When the kiss turned from beautiful to violent. It hadn’t really hurt at the time, but it’s bothering me now, the way a too-hot cup of coffee burns the roof of your mouth, even though you don’t really realize it until at least an hour later. I get the feeling the way he kisses Sasha Cotton is gentle and warm. Careful.
BITTY: There’s not much to tell. I dragged him to the gym and kissed him. He kissed back. We stopped when we heard someone coming. He emailed me. Like, two lines. Nothing life-changing. Mostly that I’m hot.
BRENDA: Seems like a lot of people think that about you, lately, huh? =)
AGNES: He emailed! That’s a great sign! He’s still IN IT, you know?
ZED: What you did was brave. And what you posted—that was brave too.
@SSHOLE: Wish we could see you.
ROXIE: Dude. Not cool.
ZED: Not the point, @sshole. Remember, we want people to be safe in here . . .
@SSHOLE: and dangerous out there. I know. I got it. Sorry.
AGNES: I bet you’re beautiful, Bitty.
BITTY: I want you guys to know me.
ZED: You’re doing an awesome job. We’re so glad you found us.
I’m about to reply with something deep and meaningful to tell them how grateful I’m feeling, and how there’s fear there too, but I like it. I love that they are interested in the tiny movements in my feelings, the little details. I have so many nuances that I’ve been hiding, since Elise isn’t that into feelings and Cate and Paul mostly deal with Cate’s pregnant feelings and Joe mostly deals with Sasha’s feelings. I have a lot to tell them, and it’s about to rush out of me, but Cate and Paul come in the front door without saying hello, and their voices are louder than usual, and it makes me stop.
I cross my legs so I’m tiny in the big swivel chair and lean back to listen in on them.
“Soon there will be a baby here,” Cate says, more shrill than I’ve ever heard her. Pregnancy has given her a whole new range of vocal expression.
“The baby’s not here now,” Paul says.
“We have a child already! What, Tabby doesn’t count?”
“Tabby loves it! What teenager doesn’t want a dad who smokes some weed?”
“I’m not saying you have to stop completely, but you know, maybe not at work. Maybe not in front of the whole town.”
“It’s Vermont, babe,” Paul says. “No one cares. Everyone’s doing it.”
“Not everyone’s doing it!” Cate says. I pretty rarely take her side in fights, but she’s right. Paul is practically becoming the town mascot for stoner-dom. He’s on his own level. “It’s not cute anymore. It hurts business. Move to Brattleboro if you want to join all the stoners. It’s not like that in this town. You know that.”
Paul laughs. It is a huge, huge mistake. Cate storms away, upstairs I assume, and Paul heads outside. The back door slams.
I hover my hands above the keyboard and consider sharing the details of their fight but decide against it for the moment. I pick up my phone to text Elise about it, like maybe I can keep one foot in the real world and one foot in LBC.