When I went quiet, Derek released his grip on my face so he could yank my jeans the rest of the way off. Then I grabbed my mother’s prized, four-pound agate and smashed it into his temple.
His hands flew up and I kneed him in the groin. When he dropped I rolled up and drove the rock into his head again and again until I heard his skull break. There was a gurgling sound, his muscles seized, and then nothing. I stood over the body, cradling the bloody rock in my hands, and cried tears of absolute gratitude.
I knew the answer. I understood what my mother had been telling me all those years ago. Agates can only form when something in you is destroyed, when the hollows of grief or depression can never find the light, and the sediment that accumulates inside them is dense. Their power changes you. She had changed into something that wasn’t able to be my mother, but she’d left me a way to survive. As clearly as I knew I was standing on a shore next to a dead man, I also knew she’d wanted me to find this rock.
The pool of blood spreading underneath Derek’s face seeped over the sand until the water got at it, pulling it away in streaks of deep red shot with amber. I dipped my fingers into the blood and painted it over my forehead and cheeks in a fortification pattern. Then I walked back to the cabin.
Rex was waiting by the car. As soon as he saw me with the rock in hand, blood mask congealing over my face, and murder in my eyes, he jumped in the truck and gunned it out of the driveway. I never saw him again. I kept walking until I got to Harry’s cabin and sat in front of his door, waiting for it to open while new minerals formed deep inside me, filling the hollows with a type of strength she’d never had.
I could feel Lucas’s shock as I told the story. The wind had picked up as we walked back through the park, whipping the dead leaves into a white noise that made conversation almost impossible. Almost. I spoke in a low, monotone voice as the air slapped me in the face, stinging tears into my eyes and drying them before they could fall. I barely registered the trail ahead of us as I related how Harry had found me and the investigation that followed.
‘The coroner counted over twenty contusions on Derek’s skull. They said I wasn’t hurt enough to justify murder, especially when there was no evidence of rape. I told them the truth, the truth I’d felt so shining and clear in that place and then had to lie about later so I could leave Congdon behind.
‘I told them my mother spoke to me through rocks and that she’d given me the agate to kill him.’
Our group came out of the woods at the trailhead and crossed the Buckingham Creek bridge toward the parking lot. I could hear Jasper’s pants again and the click of his claws on the pavement. Bryce, still bringing up the rear, gave no sign he’d heard any of my story; he ignored me as I glanced back, one thumb in constant motion on his phone. Lucas, though, had caught every word. It was surging in his eyes, lighting them with an overwhelmed under-standing. Instead of heading for the car, I steered us toward a floating dock on one side of the Twin Ponds and Jasper, eager for the detour, pulled on the leash until we reached the end of the narrow planks.
‘What are you doing, Maya?’ Bryce called from the parking lot. ‘I’m going to be late for my next patient.’
‘Two minutes.’
Facing the water, I let out a breath. ‘I’ve never told that to anyone except Dr Mehta.’
Lucas squatted down and leaned against the railing, staring at the pond. ‘Thank you.’ And then, after picking at the metal for a second, ‘Why did you think your mother gave you the rock?’
It was impossible to explain it, the instant certainty when I saw it nestled in the fire ring. I’d felt the riddle of her life unfolding, the briefest flash of her attention and love before I was abandoned again, left with the mark of the agate and a corpse leaking out its blood. I’d never questioned the sanity of that day, not in the detention facility, or in court, or the months at Congdon that followed, but it wasn’t a reality I knew how to translate, not even eight years later.
I shrugged. ‘It wasn’t something I thought. It’s what I knew.’
He nodded, but he didn’t understand. I didn’t expect him to. I was about to suggest going back to the car when he surprised me by asking, ‘Was there much of his skull left after you were done?’
I cocked my head, curious. ‘No.’
Lucas looked at me for a long moment before standing unsteadily on the swaying dock.
‘Good.’
We stood there with the wind pulling at our clothes while Jasper ran up and down the floating walkway, making us struggle for balance. I’d spent my life separated from the rest of the world, first by my mother’s illness, then her ghost breathing in every rock around me, and by the dead man whose eyes wouldn’t stay shut when I fell asleep. I couldn’t get rid of them and suddenly I was furious that they might keep me from knowing the one person even further disconnected from the world than I was. I didn’t want to be unreachable, not anymore. Not to Lucas.
I stepped forward, about to speak, when Bryce’s warning cut through the air.
In the parking lot I saw a streak of bright red hair. The girl from the protesters ran toward us, leading a group of cell phone – and sign-wielding fans. I stepped in front of Lucas, calculating the distance to the car, when Bryce grabbed his Taser.
16
No!’
Cinching Jasper’s leash and holding Lucas behind me by his good elbow, I navigated the narrow dock as it dipped and swayed. Bryce had his arms spread wide, holding the Taser and blocking the group from getting to us. The red-haired girl recognized him and, pointing at the weapon, started in on the Eighth Amendment and cruel and unusual punishment. Shouting above her, Bryce swept his arms forward, trying to make a space for us to get off the dock where we were trapped. Phones pointed at us and I squeezed Lucas’s arm. ‘Get ready.’
I could hear him saying, ‘They want me free.’
The hair on the back of Jasper’s neck stood entirely on end. He growled and shifted his weight, unsure of what to do. I choked up further on the leash, steadying him, until Bryce had pushed the fans back far enough for us to duck through.
‘Excuse us. Please allow us to pass.’ I tried to make myself heard as we edged forward. The closer we got to the crowd, the more Lucas stiffened against my grip. His head jerked as someone called his name, a girl young enough that she should have probably been in school, who ran forward and yelled, ‘I love you!’ Bryce caught her just as she launched herself at us, holding her by the arms and glaring at me.
‘Go!’
‘Come on.’ Jasper barked as I dragged him away, shielding Lucas’s face with my free hand. The red-haired ringleader began shouting at Bryce to release the girl while two more of them chased us across the parking lot, holding their phones in front of them like talismans. I unlocked the car and Lucas got in immediately, bending at the waist and covering his ears. Jasper climbed in front and, ignoring the shouted questions and yells, I asked everyone to please move back so I could pull out of the spot and return our patient to Congdon. They swarmed the car instead, holding their phones to the backseat windows and making it impossible to see where Bryce was. Revving the engine, I inched back, finally spotting Bryce in the center of the crowd. Angrily, he holstered the Taser and gestured to the road. Go.
I went. We took the fastest route back to the hospital with Jasper pacing, falling whenever I turned, and anxiously checking the windows. Lucas stayed hunched over for the entire ride, only sitting back up after we cleared Congdon’s gates and were driving through the parking lot.
Pulling up to the main entrance, I put the car in park and turned around.
‘What was that?’ He still looked shell-shocked.
‘One of the reasons it’s not entirely safe for you out there.’
‘I don’t want this.’ Without warning, he ripped the sling off his arm and threw it on the floor of the car. ‘I don’t want any of this. Maya—’