She focused on the instances where she was able to speak or stop moving. What was it she’d done to cause a slight break in his control? If she focused on that, then she would have her answer. She had to look at these visions as a test. As horrifying as they were, they were sent to help her. She had to remember. Or else, she would fail.
She suddenly noticed that someone was in her courtyard. Jumping down from her porch, she walked over to the corner bench and found Jaewon curled up asleep. She stood watching him for a long moment. He looked so young and at peace.
A rush of affection filled her. She knelt by his side and brushed a gentle hand across his cheek.
“I’ve missed you,” she said.
Jaewon stirred and then blinked his eyes open, pushing himself up. Kira sat next to him.
“I thought you were avoiding me this whole time, and then I find you in my courtyard,” she said.
He was quiet. In his hands was a piece of wood and his small paring knife.
“The light’s best here when it gets dark,” he said. He pointed to the lit stone lantern that was next to the bench. “Your brother likes to keep that lit for you, just in case you want to come out at night.”
“So you come here only for the light?”
There was no answer, only the sound of the scraping wood.
“Are you upset with me?”
No answer.
“Is it because you saw Shin Bo Hyun in my room?”
He nicked himself with his knife, cursing in pain. Seeing the blood welling up on his finger, Kira grabbed his hand to examine the wound. He tried to resist, but was stopped by her glare. She ran over to the barrel of water that sat on the porch and brought him a ladleful, pouring it over his cut. It was shallow and the bleeding stopped soon.
“There, it’s not that bad,” she said, smiling up at him.
Jaewon looked down at her with eyes filled with a sad longing. He gently pulled his hand away and stood up.
“I should go now.”
“Kim Jaewon!” Kira yelled at him. “Don’t you dare walk away from me!”
He stopped but didn’t turn around. With an exasperated sigh, Kira walked in front of him, stabbing her finger into his chest.
“Where have you been when I’ve needed you? When I needed a friend! When I was at my darkest hour and suffering. Where were you?”
He gaped at her. “I tried to see you. Believe me, I did so many times, but your brothers wouldn’t let me in.”
“You should have sneaked in to see me, then.”
“Oh you mean like Shin Bo Hyun did!”
“Yes, at least he came to see me!”
“He did a lot more than see you—”
“So you were there!”
“Yes.” He pulled away. “And I saw you embracing and kissing him. I couldn’t stand it.”
“Wrong! You saw him embracing and kissing me. There’s a big difference.”
She stepped closer and wrapped her arms around Jaewon, resting her cheek against his shoulder. “The difference is I would never do this to Shin Bo Hyun.”
Jaewon let out a hiccupping breath and hugged her tight.
“I told you that you held my heart,” he whispered. “It’s fragile and easily broken, but it’s yours.”
“Maybe I’m not worthy of it,” she said.
“But you are. My world was dark before I met you. I lived every day without truly caring for what would come next. But now I have a purpose and a reason to look forward to every day. To see you, even if it is but for a moment.”
Kira covered his lips with her hand, stopping the flow of words. “I’m sorry I hurt you,” she said. “I care for you so much. You’re my best friend, and I’m so fortunate to have you in my life. Please don’t forget that.”
There was clear disappointment on his face at her words.
“Sometimes I can’t help but wish for more,” he said.
Kira shook her head. “That’s all I can give right now.”
There was a subtle withdrawing in Jaewon’s manner that might not have been caught if Kira hadn’t come to know him so well. He smiled, but his eyes seemed far away.
“I’ll let you go back to sleep then,” he said. “You need your rest.”
She watched him walk out of the courtyard and felt the nagging sense of having made a terrible mistake. Something in her gut urged her to chase after him, but her feet wouldn’t move. It was too late.
21
“We have word that the Second, Third, and Fifth Divisions are still a few days from reaching Asan,” Kyoung said, speaking to Kira, Kwan, and Taejo. “Demon attacks are increasing on our patrols. We’ve lost squads of soldiers. The shamans are increasing the protective wards around us, but we must be vigilant once we’re on the move. There’s been no sign of General Kim and the Fifth Division, but I’m sure they’re heading to Nosong as we speak. Since we are closer, it won’t take us as long. We must mobilize the entire army. Everyone must prepare. We leave in two days.”
“What can I do to help?” Taejo asked.