“Sure, but he’s gonna need a wheelchair for now at least, Jane. We’ll have to make updates to the house!”
She means the trailer. The latest trailer in a string of trailers, each one smaller and more run-down than the last. I don’t think those aluminum doors are wide enough for a wheelchair, so a ramp won’t do any good anyway. “I’m sure Ricky can help with that. He’s pretty handy. No point throwing money into that heap.”
“That’s our home, you heartless bitch!”
“Then you’d better find a way to make it work. If it needs medical fixes, I’m sure Medicare will accommodate you.”
“Family takes care of family.” She’s lost the helpless warble and moved straight into a hard, spitting screech. “But you wouldn’t know anything about that, would you? Your own father is on his deathbed, and you could care less! There’s a devil in you, you uppity cunt.”
“You just cost yourself a hundred dollars,” I say. “Care to try for more?”
“You!” she screams. “You evil little . . .” But she gets control of herself. She knows damn well that I’ll cut her off without a dime. “Jane, I need that money.” Helpless wheedling again. “How can I take care of Daddy if I can’t stay close?”
“It’s Enid. Four hundred dollars should go a long way. I’ll send it today. Be sure to make it last.”
I hang up. When the phone rings again, I switch it off. I feed my cat and grab my coat and some gloves. It’s cold outside. When I step out of my apartment, I wish I’d brought a hat too. I’m thankful for the warmth of the convenience store when I stop to put $400 on a card. There’s a post office on the way to work, but I’d rather steal a stamp from my company, so I walk on. I’m not worried she’ll notice my mail is coming from Minneapolis. I travel for work, and my family doesn’t even know who Meg was, much less why I’d be here.
I call the hospital before I get to the office and ask about my father. He’s in room 223. I hang up before the call transfers. I don’t want to speak to him. I just want to be sure my mother isn’t running a scam. This was a little too close on the heels of that car repair.
Twenty minutes later the card is in the mail and I’m working on data entry. Steven walks through the room and catches my eye. He winks.
I ignore him and return my gaze to the computer. It’s time to pull back a little and make him work for it. Maybe I’ll grab lunch with Luke after all.
CHAPTER 25
Luke looks delighted to see me again. I’m not sure why. I only have thirty minutes, so we’re definitely not going back to his place for a quickie.
“You said yes,” he says as he meets me on the street in front of the restaurant. It’s an Indian buffet I figure Steven would never stumble upon.
“I was tired of playing hard to get,” I joke.
“Thanks for throwing me a bone.”
He knows I don’t have much time, so we head inside and get right in line with our plates. I load mine up with a little of everything and I notice Luke does the same. He even grabs an extra plate to hold naan for both of us, along with a few dipping sauces.
“How’s your week going?” he asks as we find a table.
“Really good. I’m getting a lot of stuff done. How about you?”
“Same old, same old. How’s the cat?”
“She’s great.”
“Does she have a name yet?”
I shrug. “I asked, but she’s being pretty cagey.”
“Cats, man.”
We dig into our food. It’s not the best Indian I’ve ever had, but the chicken is spicy and the naan is warm and fresh out of the oven, and that’s good enough for me.
“I hear it’s going to snow tonight,” Luke says.
“Sure feels like it.”
“Can I talk you into coming over to hide under the covers and watch a movie?”
I stare blankly at him for a moment. “You mean have sex, right?”
He turns bright red and coughs.
I can be charming. In fact, I’m really good at it. Small talk doesn’t make me nervous, so I ask all the right questions and make people feel special and engaged. I’m good at lying and I enjoy it. It’s an intricate, beautiful dance. But, like a dance, it takes concentration and effort, and pretending that I actually like that jackass Steven is draining me.
I don’t want to lie right now. I don’t want to be charming and warm and human. I just want to relax.
Luke gulps some water and recovers, though his cheeks are still pink. “No,” he says. “I mean yes, maybe sex too.”
I nod.
“But I was mostly asking about the movie.”
I don’t like movies as much as books. With books, the narrator explains what people are feeling and thinking, so I don’t have to figure it out. But some movies are easier than others. “Okay. Something with action, maybe? Explosions?”
“The movie or the sex?” he asks, and I’m laughing again. Really laughing. He grins like he’s proud of himself.
I grin back. “I meant both, obviously.”
“I’ll do my best.”
“Then I’ll see you at seven.”
We finish our plates and go back for seconds. I get a big cup of rice pudding too. Luke doesn’t notice or doesn’t care.
I should be spending time manipulating Steven, but I’m so glad I met Luke for lunch instead. Something about this day has thrown me off, and I’m not sure what it is.
“My mom called this morning,” I say abruptly. “She asked for money and I sent it. Why do I send her money when I don’t even like her?”
“Guilt,” Luke suggested immediately.
“I don’t think that’s it.”
“It’s a pretty strong emotion. We’re supposed to care about our families no matter how bad they are. So even if you feel like you don’t want to help, you’ve been told your whole life that you should.”
That’s true. I take my behavioral cues from others. It’s my way of flying under the radar and fitting in.
“I don’t feel guilty,” I say, not sure how to explain that without telling the truth. “I mostly just want her to go away.”
He nods. “Sure. You’ve learned that it’s easier to give her what she wants.”
“But if I don’t give her what she wants, she’ll eventually go away altogether, right? And that would be better. So why do I accommodate her?”
“Do you really want her to go away forever? It would be walking away from the first eighteen years of your life. We all want a foundation, I think, even if it’s cracked and damaged. We want proof of where we came from even if we’re running away from it.”
“Maybe.” Do I need a foundation? I feel like I’m utterly independent. But I obviously want something from those people. Am I still waiting to feel like I’m the same as other humans? That I have a family and connections and a heart? Do I keep my family in my life so I can pretend I’m normal?
“I haven’t spoken to my mom in five years,” Luke says, “but I still check her Facebook page. Same thing, I’m sure.”
“Do you love her?” I ask out of curiosity.
“Yes. She’s my mom.” He shrugs and shakes his head. “We’re all idiots, I guess.”
“What did she do?” Even I understand this isn’t a question I should ask. Not here and not now, but I want to know.
He sighs and finishes chewing a bite of food. “It’s a long story. Suffice to say she’s easily riled up.”
He’s already told me no one ever hit him, so I’m not sure what he means, but it’s getting late, and he doesn’t look like he wants to say more anyway.
“I’d better get going,” I say. “Your place at seven?”
Luke stands when I do and says he’ll get the check.
I feel calmer as I walk back to the office. A few fat snowflakes drift lazily from the sky, but nothing much happens after that. I hope it snows more later. I like the picture Luke has painted for me. A warm, cozy blanket, his leather couch and hot body, buildings exploding on the screen. I think it will feel real, and I don’t get to feel real very often.
Steven is waiting for me when I get off the elevator. He herds me toward the break room, but there are two women eating there, so he moves farther down the hall toward the supply closet. “Where’d you go?” He keeps his voice low, but he’s radiating secrets and scandal for anyone who sees us talking.
“Out,” I answer.