“When I was Rider, I think a part of you loved me, didn’t you? Now, all I can see is hatred.”
No matter how hard I tried to hate him, at that moment I could not. He was right. I did love him in a fashion and I could not just switch off those feelings, no matter how hard I tried. I loved the person he was on the outside, but not here, not as Cain. Not as a brother of The Order and certainly not the prophet’s nephew!
“Mae?” Cain whispered, wanting me to respond.
I shifted beneath him and laid a hand on his cheek. He nuzzled into my palm.
“Everything about us screams that we belong together: our faith, our upbringing, our interests. But that is not everything,” I whispered. “You need that raw, primal lust. That connection that you cannot describe… that incandescent, instinctive knowledge that someone is meant solely for you. Love, Cain, love is transcendent. I have that with Styx. Even if I have to spend the rest of my days here, at commune, nothing can change that, not even death itself.”
His brown eyes glistened. “I never stood a chance, did I?”
I shook my head. “We cannot fight fate, Cain. I know that now. The universe has its way of placing you where you belong. With whom you should belong.”
Cain moved from above me and kneeled on the bed. “The elders will come for you soon. Your marriage to Prophet David will happen tonight.”
I quickly sat up. “You are still going to allow that to happen?”
His head dropped. “Not if you agree to marry me,” he whispered. Cain lifted his chin, his handsome face so earnest, so hopeful.
“Cain… I cannot marry you. It is crazy to suggest such a thing. You kidnapped me!”
I felt his hand take mine and he stroked along the back with his finger. “I would never take another wife, Mae. It is our people’s way, but I could never love another as I love you. You would be it for me. You are it for me. I wasn’t raised like the rest of the brothers here at commune. I would care for you, protect you… treat you like a queen.”
“Cain…” I whispered, my heart breaking for the little boy lost sat before me pouring out his heart.
“You forget, Mae, that I am a victim of circumstance too. I was raised to inherit The Order. I have no way out either. We could be each other’s solace. Each other’s salvation. We would be bonded in the eyes of the Lord. It would be pure… It would be perfect.”
Tears tumbled down my cheeks. “I cannot stay here. There are too many nightmares of this place tormenting my mind. Too many demons disguised as ‘righteous people’ who have used me… scarred me.” He blew an exasperated breath through his nose, and I got to my knees, mirroring his position. “Tell me something.”
His expression was open, awaiting my question.
“Have you ever been part of a Lord’s sharing? Have you ever seen an eight-year-old girl raped, her legs pried apart by a bear trap because she was too scared to understand what was happening to her? Have you ever forced yourself inside a child, Cain, because you believe it will help you get closer to God and because the prophet deemed it so? Well, have you?”
He went eerily still.
“Well?” I pushed.
“Did that happen to you? Here?” he asked through clenched teeth and I frowned, unable to find my words. “Mae! Answer me! Were you… taken as a child… like… that?”
I nodded and he positively fumed. “Are you telling me you have never been in a brother-sister exchange?” I asked again, this time in disbelief.
Cain dropped his head, almost in embarrassment. “I am the heir. I remain pure.”
I thought back to the weeks we had spent together and remembered that he had never shared his bed with a woman. In fact, the only time he seemed to have taken a woman in any form was the girl that looked like me.
My gaze shot to his. “Are you a—”
“I am not ashamed, so do not dare pity me!” He cut in.
“So the woman I found you with, in your room…” I trailed off.
Cain’s shoulders slumped. “Was a lapse in judgement. A moment of weakness. I have atoned for it. Have prayed for the Lord’s forgiveness.”
“How have you atoned?” I questioned, curious.
Cain straightened and lifted his shirt to display his back. My hands flew to my mouth. “Cain, no…”
Lashes. He had taken the sin from his own flesh. Whipped himself in punishment for his moment of weakness with the girl. My fingers ran along the raised angry lash marks, now marring his once-beautiful back. The Hangmen patch tattoo was still present, Hades still staring back at me with his mocking smile. I removed my hand and he slipped down his shirt.
Cupping his face, I forced him to look at me. “Let us both leave, Cain. Let us leave this place once and for all. There is more for us outside of this fence. We can take Lilah and Maddie with us. We can escape our prison. Escape our forced destinies.”
Cain moved his hands to gently grasp my wrists, pressing a kiss to my left palm. “And where would we go?” he asked, hope clear in his eyes.
“To the Hangmen. We could explain what happened. We could—”
“Fuck, Mae! They’ll kill me. Don’t you understand the gravity of what I’ve done? I turned coat on the club. Set up Pit as the rat. Basically killed Lois, and worse than that, I took you from Styx.”
A stone-cold expression hardened his features as I shook my head in disagreement and he threw away my hands. “What am I fuckin’ trying so hard for, Mae?” he said in exasperation, a gutting pain in his deep voice. “You sold your soul to Satan when you chose him, and turned your back on the cause. You’re blinded by darkness.”
“Wait! Rider!” I shouted as he got off the bed and made his way to the door. He stopped dead and his wide back bunched.