“Why would you say that?”
“Because you think you’re fragile. The craziness you’ve seen in the so-called sane world is too much for you.” His eyes are unusually piercing. “I mean, just click your TV on and look at the madness in the world. Wars, killing, envy, hatred, and the whole nine yards. It doesn’t look too encouraging, going out there and helping people, not when you could just spend your time in this cozy cell and bed downstairs. It’s easy downstairs, isn’t it?" He cranes his head forward. "You’re sure you got a place to sleep at night. You don’t have worries about tomorrow. And in your case, you have no past to haunt you. And all you have to do in exchange for food is entertain the wardens with thirty minutes of shock therapy every now and then. Life is just so easy for the mad.”
I find my hands laced together as I listen to his words. I hate how he sees right through me. I haven’t thought about it like that exactly, but he hit the jackpot about the world outside. I wasn’t comfortable with it, and wished I’d return to the crazy cell I was trying to escape all of the time. It’s a horrible feeling. It feels inhuman and wrong. But so is my fear of the sane people out there. When I think of it, I haven't met a Mushroomer downstairs who is capable of trapping a girl in a dark crawlspace, like the Cheshire did.
“You know who mad people really are, Alice?” the Pillar speaks with his pipe between his lips. “Just lazy people who took the easier way out in life.”
"Please give me some of that stuff you're smoking." I try to make it sound like a joke, hiding the fact that he is getting to me. "It seems very good."
"Beware of what you wish for, Alice," he says. "I'm one of the few Lewis wrote about accurately. I mean, without mushrooms, hookahs, and smoke, where'd I be?" he stands up and starts tapping his feet in place. It's funny seeing him dance and enjoy himself. Whether he is a real killer or a hoax still puzzles me.
"May I ask why you're dancing now?"
"It's not a dance. It's a Caucus Race. You run so fast, still in the same place," he says, so into it. "It reminds me that we can't escape our fates. But enough about me, Alice. How did it feel to save Constance today?"
"It felt..." I shrug. “It felt really good. Heart-wrenching, but good. I feel like if I end up living in the sane world, I need to save a soul every day to cling to my sanity.”
The Pillar smiles broadly.
“What’s that smile on your face?”
“You said it yourself,” the Pillar says. “The only way to stay sane in the world outside is to save a soul every day. How about we do it again? And then maybe, again?"
"I thought I was getting out to prove my sanity. Is that what I am here for? To save people from mad people and Wonderland Monsters?"
"Questions. Questions. Questions. Don't you ever learn that questions don't ever get answered unless I ask them?" he says. "Questions are the lazy man's way to try to learn, when the only way to learn is not to ask."
"Then what is the only way to learn?"
"To live, of course," he tilts his head. "Look at me. Not really a role model, but I am a fine example of living. You'd think I'm stoned and lightheaded, but you know that the stuff I learned is endless. That's because I allowed myself to live every moment of it."
"Whatever," I stand up. "I said it as a metaphor. I don't really want to save someone every day. The outside world is too mad for me," I let out an uncontrolled laugh. "I think I better stay here. I believe you promised me I'd get my Tiger Lily back." I see it next to the couch. Someone has been taking care of her. She looks fine.
"As you wish, Alice," he pushes the pot my way. "As you wish."
I take the pot, and feel its warmth in my heart. I paid a great price to get my friend back.
Chapter 29
Underground Ward, the Radcliffe Asylum, Oxford
Holding my precious pot, I walk among my fellow mad people back to my room. Waltraud taps her prod on her hand as she walks behind me. The patients on both sides stare at me, wondering where I have been all day. It's as if they secretly know I have been to the outside world, and are wondering what it was like. I smile at them and they tilt their heads, wondering why I am smiling today.
I know why. I am back home.