“Leave your bag by the door, please, and feel free to take a seat there,” he said, gesturing to a simple table with a chair in the center of the room that faced him and the other men.
I did as he asked, and one of the men stood and brought a tablet over to me. “Miss Hahn, you will play white. Enter your move by clicking any piece then the intended target field. If you change your mind and want to pick a new piece, just choose the New Move or Clear Input button and it will clear the piece for you to try again. Good luck to you.”
“Thank you, sir,” I said and placed the tablet down in front of me.
I completed the example play and pressed next. I went from scenario to scenario without any issue. It was fun for me, and the nerves I’d been feeling melted away with each completed scenario. Within fifteen minutes, I was done and clicked the submit button at the end.
“Done,” I said.
The men looked shocked.
“Did you finish?” Charles asked me.
“Yes.” My score shown at the bottom of a graph on the tablet. “Estimated Elo rating of 2739.”
My heart started beating but not from nerves, from excitement.
“Let me see that,” Charles said, putting on a pair of reading glasses that hung around his neck.
He stood and made his way over to my table. The other men joined him.
“Outstanding, young lady!” one of them commented.
“It is as you said,” Charles commented. He looked down at me. “It is unfortunate the highest player here is a lower rating. We’ll have to start your provisional rating at his level. If you beat him,” he looked at the ceiling briefly, ”your rating should only land about 2565, decidedly lower than your Elometer rating, but will allow you to compete at high levels in different tournaments. Are you satisfied with this?”
“Yes, sir.”
“Good.” He gave me a small smile. “You’re free to go. I’ll set up your place in the first opponent round. Good luck, Miss Hahn.”
“Thank you, sir.”
I got up and walked toward the door and picked up my bag.
“Oh, Miss Hahn,” Charles called out.
I turned toward him.
“How long have you played?”
“I started playing my freshman year of high school. I’ve only ever played online.”
He pursed his lips, as if he was intrigued, and nodded his head.
“I look forward to seeing you play.”
“Thank you,” I said and turned back around.
I opened the door to see Salinger pacing the floor across the corridor. The door shut behind me. His head popped up when he saw me. He lifted his hands and shoulders in question.
“2739,” I told him.
He fist-pumped the air and ran over to me. I smiled. I couldn’t help it. When he reached me, he lifted me up and spun me around. I felt my cheeks heat up as he set me back down.
“That is incredible, Lily. Incredible.”
“I’m so excited. It’s higher than we thought. I guess my provisional score can’t be that high, though?”
“Yeah, you’ll have to start where Aurek is since he’s the highest rating competing today.”
“That’s what Charles said. I don’t mind, though. All I care about is competing in enough tournaments to get my house fixed so I can bring Eloise and Callie back home.”
Salinger nodded. He looked down the hall at nothing then back at me. “You know you could probably go national, right?”
“I don’t care about that.”
“Maybe, uh, maybe you should consider it.”
“It’s not on my list.”
He looked confused. “List?”
I swallowed nothing. “I have a list of things I have to get done.”
“What’s on this list?” he asked.
I ticked off each goal on my fingers. “Finish the house, get visitation, get the girls, mourn Mom, and deal with Trace.”
“Lily, that’s admirable, but—”
“But what?” I interrupted him.
He raised his hands defensively. “Listen, life doesn’t work like that. You need to embrace what hits you here,” he said, pressing a finger at my temple. “You try to force things and you can do more damage.”
“I know what I’m doing,” I told him.
“I guess,” he said, but he didn’t look convinced.
“Let’s just see who we play first.”
“Fine,” he said and started walking back toward the main convention hall lobby.
“Listen, I know what I’m doing,” I told him one more time.
“You said that.”
“I can’t let anything distract me from getting my sisters back.”
“I know this, Lily. I’m just saying if you delay handling Trace and, more importantly, grieving your mom, it will eat you alive when you finally embrace it. It feels like you’re delaying the inevitable.”
He walked faster than me again, so I tugged on his arm for him to stop. He stared down at me. Tears filled my eyes. “I know what will happen if I let the loss of my mom come tumbling out of the cage I’ve put that grief in, okay? I won’t recover, Salinger,” I harshly whispered. “Do you understand that?” His gaze softened. “I won’t recover. I owe Mama this. I owe her this. Grief this profound isn’t something I’m equipped to handle when I’m the deep root of it. I killed them, Salinger. I ignored her when she pleaded for help.” I grasped a handful of the shirt near my chest. “I killed her. I’m going to have to live with that the rest of my life. Avoiding it won’t rid me of the eventual blame. I know I’m still left holding the gun, but you want to know the part that gets me? I didn’t even notice until after the trigger had been pulled.”
Tears threatened to spill over. Both Salinger’s hands found my arms and he pulled me to an alcove, away from prying eyes.
“That’s exactly what makes it an accident,” he told me, his eyes desperate.
The tears I’d fought to keep back crept over without my permission.
“What do you call an accident that could have been prevented, huh? What do you call that?” He began to open his mouth, but I cut him off. “Negligence, Salinger. I was careless and I failed to help her. Accident or not, I am culpable for this, and I will feel it every day for the rest of my life.”
“Jesus Christ, Lily. You’re nineteen. Yeah, you fucked up, but this fallout isn’t normal, do you hear me? You cannot hold yourself accountable for what happened. There are too many variables. What if they’d been better parents and not required so much of you? What if Sterling had not beaten the ever-living shit out of you all the time? What if he wasn’t a drunk who gambled all your family’s money away and held a job like a fucking real man would have? What if your mom had chosen a different path in life? What if they had been normal? You can’t hold yourself culpable for an accident that could have very well been prevented by them had they been the adults they claimed to be!”
Tears streamed down my face. “Great questions. Those are great questions, but I can’t answer for them. Wanna know why? Because they’re not here, are they? They’re not here, and it was because I didn’t do what she wanted. The girls don’t have a mom because of me, Salinger.”
He shook his head.
“I don’t know what you’re looking for, Lily.”
“Just stop, Salinger.”
“So this is what it’s going to be for you? This is your forever?”
“Yeah, I guess.”
“Why?”
“I won’t ever be able to amend for this, to make it right, make it perfect.”
Something flashed across his face. “Ah, I see now.” He paused. “It’s all an illusion, Lily. Did you know that?”
“What is?” I asked.
“Perfection. Nobody has it. The only good in perfection is the seeking of it. It’s in the seeking we find hope and love and light. It’s in the seeking we sacrifice for others, in the seeking we abandon selfish.” I stared at him. “Every person falls back, but not every person picks themselves up.” He looked at me. “Pick yourself up, Lily.”
He brought me to his chest and held me tightly against him. I fought him at first, but he refused to let me go. I eased into his embrace and cried into his chest tears I swore to everything I wouldn’t let fall until I’d completed the list. I’d promised myself, and I was seething at him for making me approach my grief when I wasn’t ready, but I also desperately needed the hug. The physical touch of another human being. He comforted me. I didn’t deserve it, but I needed it.