“Focus on your breath,” he said. “And nothing else. See where it leads you.”
He let his vision loosen until Joey blurred into the wall behind her. He tracked the cool air through his nose, down his windpipe, into his stomach. Beneath his skin he sensed a turmoil, blood rushing through his veins. His thoughts cascaded, cards in a shuffled deck. Jack in free fall, a cup of half-drunk milk, the frayed shoulder of David Smith’s shirt— Joey’s words slashed in at him. “This is fucking stupid.”
He opened his eyes fully. She’d come out of the pose, slumping forward, at once lax and agitated. He watched her twist one hand in the other.
“Okay,” he said.
“We done?”
“Sure.”
She didn’t move. She was glaring at him. “It didn’t do anything.”
“Sure it did,” Evan said. “It led you to anger.”
“That’s real useful. What am I supposed to do with that?”
“Ask yourself, what are you angry about?”
She got off the bed and stood facing the door. He watched her shoulders rise and fall with each breath.
“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked.
She wheeled on him. “Why would I tell you shit? You’ll just leave anyways. Once you’re done with me and we’re done with this.” She gestured to the bathroom and the Vault beyond. “Won’t you.”
“That doesn’t sound like a question,” Evan said. “It sounds like a dare.”
“Don’t turn it around on me,” she said. “It’s the only outcome.”
“There’s never only one outcome.”
“Yeah? How do you see it working? You’re gonna what? Drive me to school? Bake muffins for the PTA? Help me with my fucking calculus?”
“I think you’d probably help me with my calculus.”
She didn’t smile, barely even paused. “You’re just using me, like everyone else. You don’t get it. Why would you? You chose to leave the Program. You don’t know what it’s like to just be discarded. They threw me away ’cuz I was”—her lips pursed as she searched out the word—“deficient.”
“You’re not deficient.”
“Yeah, I am. I’m broken.”
“Then let’s unbreak you.”
“Oh, it’s that easy.”
“I’m not saying it’s easy. I’m saying it’s worth doing. Pain is inevitable. Suffering is optional.”
“Easy for you to say.” She wiped her nose, pigging it up. She looked so young. “‘Suffering is optional.’”
“Yes. Let me know when you’re ready to start giving it up.”
“I’ll fucking do that.”
She walked out.
He listened to her feet tap up the brief hall and across the great room, the noise echoing off all those hard surfaces. Then her steps quickened up the spiral stairs to the loft.
Evan exhaled, rubbed his eyes. When he was younger, Jack had always known what to do. When to answer, when to leave a silence for Evan to fill.
Right now Evan felt adrift. He reached for the Commandments, but none were applicable. He’d gone down the path and arrived at a wall.
Another Jack-ism: When you’re at a wall, start climbing.
There he was, still pushing Evan from beyond the grave. Maybe that’s what this final mission was, placing Joey in his care, a living, breathing package. Maybe this was just another version of Evan walking behind Jack, filling his footsteps.
But this was a different trail. It required different rules. Evan thought of the Post-it note Mia had put up in her kitchen: Remember that what you do not yet know is more important than what you already know.
He tried to meditate again. Couldn’t.
Then he was up on his feet. Moving silently along the hall. Keying off the alarm and slipping out the front door. Riding the elevator down, still pinching his eyes, shaking his head.
Walking up to 12B. Raising a fist to knock. Lowering it. Walking away. Coming back.
He tapped gently.
There. Now it was too late.
The door opened. Mia looked at him.
“I know you’re angry with me,” he said.
“You told me you didn’t have any family,” she said. “Either you lied before. Or you’re lying now.”
“It’s complicated.”
“Save it for Facebook.”
She started to close the door.
“Wait,” he said. “Joey is from … my job. I’m trying to help her. And I wanted to keep you and Peter clear of anything that’s related to that world. So I tried to cover it up. I was dumb enough to think I was being helpful.”
“That’s even more alarming.”
He held his arms at his sides, considered his blink ratio, resisted an urge to put his hands in his pockets. “I’m not sure what you would have preferred me to do. At Target.”
“God,” she said, more in wonderment than anger. “You really don’t get it.”
“No.”
“How about ‘Hey, Mia. I’m in an unusual situation and I’m not sure how to talk about it with you.’ How ’bout that? Actually just being honest and trusting that we’ll figure it out? Was that an option you considered?”
He said, “No.”
She almost laughed, her hand covering her mouth. When she took her hand away, the smile was gone. “Okay. I’m angry. But I’ve also learned not to trust my first reaction. To anything. So. Let me figure out my second reaction before we talk about this anymore.”
She started to close the door again.
“I need advice,” he said, the words rushed.
It had taken a lot to get them out.
“Advice?” she said. “You’re asking me. Advice.”
“Yes.”
She pulled her head back on her neck. Blew out a breath. Let the door swing open.
Evan entered, and they sat on her couch. She didn’t offer him wine. The door to Peter’s bedroom, bedecked with Batman stickers, a pirate-themed KEEP OUT! sign, and a Steph Curry poster, was open a crack. The heat was running, the condo toasty, a few candles casting gentle light. They were grapefruit-scented—no, blood orange. A burnt-red chenille throw draped one arm of the couch. So many things he would never have thought of, the things that turn a house into a home. They were words from a different language, the language of comfort, of knowing how to belong.
Evan kept his voice low. “How do you talk to a teenage girl?”
“Very carefully,” Mia said.
“That much I’ve figured out.”
“She seems like a great kid. But she’s had it tough.”
“How do you know that?”
“I’m a DA.” Mia set her hands on her thighs, tilted her head to the ceiling, took a breath. “Don’t push. Just be there. Be steady.”
He thought of Jack’s even pace through the woods, not too fast, not too slow, his boots stamping the mud, showing Evan where to step.
Mia pointed at Evan. “When it comes to kids, honesty matters. And consistency. That’s why I thought, you know, you coming for dinner once a week. It’s important to Peter. Stuff like that’s a clock they set their hearts to.”
He nodded.
“At the end of the day, all they really want to hear?” Mia ticked the points off on her fingers. “You’re okay. You’re gonna be fine. You’re worth it.”
He nodded again.
She studied him. “What?”
“Are they worth it?”
“Yes.” She rose to see him out. “But if you’re ever gonna say it, you better believe it first.” She shot him a loaded look. “Because she’ll know if you’re lying.”
*
Evan paused halfway up the spiral stairs to the loft. A clacking sound carried down to him, and it took a moment for him to place it: Joey working a Rubik’s Cube. Lifted halfway between floor and ceiling, he had a glorious view of downtown. The shimmering blocks, a confusion of lights shivering in the night air. Overhead, the cube clacked and clacked. He heard Joey cough.
It felt so odd to have another moving body in the penthouse.
He continued up to the reading loft. Joey sat in a nest of sheets on the plush couch. Her head stayed down, that rich chocolate hair framing her face, which was furrowed with concentration. The cube, smaller than the previous one he’d seen, was a neon blur in her hands.
She’d turned off the overheads and pulled the floor lamp close. It was on the lowest setting, casting her in a dim light. The cube alone was bright, glow-in-the-dark colors radiating in the semidark. Chewing-gum green and fluorescent yellow. Safety-cone orange and recycling-can blue.
At the second-to-top step, he halted.
“Can I come in?” he asked.