And if I’m honest, he hasn’t been for a long time.
Hell, to be completely honest, I don’t know that he was ever my worst enemy, so much as my biggest threat. The person who I sensed, even from the very beginning, could destroy me.
What I didn’t see until recently was how the person with the power to destroy you can also be the one to lift you up. The one who can make you live like you’ve never lived before. The one who shines light into dark, infiltrates color into blandness.
The person who can take someone who’s perfectly content and make her . . . happy.
The person who can make me happy.
Which, I’m sad to say, I didn’t even know was possible. I’ve gotten so damn used to thinking anything better than hungry and angry was the good life.
Ian’s always made me feel safe, in a big-brother kind of way. I thought that was as good as it gets. These past couple of weeks with Matt have changed that. Hell, these past four years with him have changed it. The way he makes me feel has always made me want to run.
But not anymore. Now I want to . . . stay.
I just wish I knew what comes next. I’ve never done this before. I’ve never fallen for someone, much less someone who’s every bit as relationship averse as I am.
Matt, oblivious to my thoughts, pulls my cell phone out of his back pocket and gives it an enticing waggle. “Hmm?”
I bite my lip. I really do want that cell phone. I take his phone out of my bag and hold it up. “Call it a draw?”
“Done,” he says in relief.
We swap phones, and I pour us each a sparkling water as I wait for my iPhone to start back up again after being powered off.
“So, here’s a question,” Matt says, accepting the glass I hold out. “You make a decent living, and I’ve seen firsthand you’re damn good at your job. But what does your work look like on an average day?”
“Depends on whether or not I’m on an active project. When I sign a contract, that person’s my priority. But assuming they don’t need me 24-7, I generally keep my ear to the ground, stay in touch with my contacts. Coffee dates, lunch dates, whatever. As I approach the end of a project, I’ll start figuring out what’s next.”
“How do you bring in new business?” he asks curiously.
I give a sly smile. “I don’t. It finds me. Truth be told, I have more requests than I can possibly take on. I get to pick and choose what I work on.”
He smiles. “Lucky for me I caught you at a slow time, then.”
I take another sip of my drink and look away, not quite ready to tell him that there’s no such thing as a slow time for me. That when he’d asked for my help, I had nearly a dozen other opportunities, some that would have gladly paid triple what he’s paying for my assistance.
Instead, I’d taken on Matt’s job. Not because the money was the best, not even because his case was the most interesting. But because it was Matt.
And he’d needed me.
Do I regret it? No.
I just wish I could do it over again, this time not falling in love with the man. But maybe that’s not possible. Maybe I’ve been headed down this path with him since that very first night.
It doesn’t matter, I suppose. How I got here isn’t important. What does matter is that the feeling isn’t going away anytime soon, and I need to decide what the heck I plan to do about it.
It’s rare that I don’t feel completely in control, and I don’t like it. At all.
“So what is next?” Matt asks, leaning on my counter. I see that his phone’s already rebooted, but his attention’s still on me. As though what I have to say is important.
“Well, the gala’s more than a week away, so officially, I’m still on your payroll,” I say.
“And after the gala?”
“I’ve got my pick.” I twist the glass on the counter. “I’ve got an invitation to spend a couple weeks playing companion to a ridiculously wealthy eighty-year-old in Florence whose son thinks she’s got a bad habit of getting engaged to fortune hunters. There’s a lotto winner from Jersey who wants me to wrangle an invitation for his daughter to meet a prince. Any prince. A midtown lawyer wants me to play flavor of the week to make an ex-girlfriend jealous.”
“No,” Matt says. “Not that last one.”
I smile at the note of jealousy in his voice. “Does it make a difference if the lawyer’s a woman?”
He opens his mouth but hesitates. Then shakes his head. “I still vote no. Though I realize I don’t have any claim on your time past the gala.”
You could. All you’d have to do is ask.
But I don’t have the guts to tell him, and he doesn’t have the guts to ask.
Or worse, maybe he doesn’t even want to.
I bite my lip, wondering if I should remind him of Jarod Lanham’s interest in my services. I decide against it. If Jarod does decide to hire me, and if I decide to take him on as a client, he deserves the same privacy I give all my clients.
Matt picks up his cell phone, and I do the same. There are a couple dozen new emails. That’s expected.
There are also several voice mails and text messages. That’s not expected. My email address is on my business card—plenty of people have it. My phone number? Only a select few in my inner circle have it. Ian. Kate and Lara.
All three of them have texted me. Multiple times.
Ian: Call me.
Lara: Thank God you’re not the freak-out type. Right? You’re not freaking, are you? Let me know.
Neither of theirs tells me what’s going on. Kate’s is more helpful.
Kate: OMG. What? Read this. Then explain.
A link to a gossip site accompanies her text, and, when I click on it, the headline tells me everything I need to know.
WALL STREET’S MOST NOTORIOUS PLAYBOY PUTS A RING ON IT . . .
The accompanying picture is Matt and me at dinner last night, sharing a bottle of wine and looking, well . . . intimate. Though how the hell someone looked at this and figured engaged is beyond me.
A quick skim of the article, and I have my answer. It’s nothing but a case of good old-fashioned bullshit. A “source close to the couple” claimed that I’d been dress shopping. False.
That we’d been considering Saint John’s as the site of the ceremony. False.
That we’d already booked tickets to New Zealand for our honeymoon. False.
That Matt had been seen in Tiffany & Co., looking at engagement rings. Super false.
I let out a little laugh at the audaciousness of it all. It never ceases to amaze me how much of this stuff is made up. Granted, this time, it works in our favor, but it’s still worthy of an eye roll.
I look up at Matt and can tell from his scowl, he’s gotten similar messages.
I lean forward with a teasing smile. “So. What kind of ring did you get me? I’m sort of partial to the traditional Tiffany cut, but as long as it’s big and shiny . . .”
I break off when he lifts his head and meets my eyes. He doesn’t look amused or even exasperated.
He looks . . .
Well, shoot. I can’t tell.
“Hey,” I say softly, reaching across the counter to touch his hand. “It’s just a crap tabloid thing. People will forget about it.”
He nods but doesn’t say anything.
I smile a little wider, determined to erase the sudden awkwardness that’s descended. And more important, to eradicate the longing in my heart. The desire for it to be real. “Looks like we did our job a little too well, right? I mean, I knew I was good, but even I didn’t know—”
“What if we did it?” he interrupts.
I frown in confusion. “Did what?”
“Got married.”
My mouth drops open, even as my stomach flips. “That’s taking the charade a bit far, don’t you think?”
His jaw tenses, and he looks down at the floor before looking up once more. “What if it wasn’t a charade?”
I put a hand to my still-fluttering stomach. “Matt. You don’t want to get married.”
“Not in the traditional sense, no,” he says. “But I wouldn’t mind trying it your way.”
“My way?”
“You know. Sex. Companionship. None of the emotional, messy stuff.”