And then she hurried away.
Dylan watched her go, feeling queasier by the second.
Shit.
When Miranda got home at two thirty in the morning and found Seth wide awake and smoking a cigarette in the backyard, she immediately knew something was wrong. He’d been cutting down this past month, and it was rare for him to have a smoke before bed anymore. Unless he was upset.
Which he clearly was now.
“Hey,” she said as she slid open the door.
He glanced over. “Hey.”
Her forehead creased in concern. Closing the door, she stepped outside and sat in the chair opposite his. “What’s going on?”
Seth didn’t answer. The orange tip of his cigarette glowed as he inhaled.
“How was the carnival?”
No response.
Now she was seriously worried. “Okay, you’re scaring me. What the fuck is going on, Seth?” The color drained from her face, propelling her to her feet. “Are the kids all right? I didn’t check on them when I came in. Oh God, are—”
“They’re fine,” he said gruffly. “Sound asleep in their beds.”
Miranda relaxed. Slightly. “Something’s still wrong,” she insisted. “Talk to me, babe.”
His lips quirked at the endearment. Sort of like the way rugrats had turned into a term of affection, so had babe. She’d started saying it to taunt him, but it had kind of stuck.
The smile he offered faded fast, though. “I almost lost Sophie today,” he said quietly.
Her stomach dropped. “What?”
“The little imp took off on her own. She wanted to see the ponies and refused to wait for us to finish up at the shooting game. I had my eye on her the entire time, except when I turned away for half a minute to help Jason with something. That’s when she snuck off.”
“Shit. It’s not the first time she’s done that,” Miranda admitted. “She gets so impatient sometimes, which is weird because Jason is the one with all the jittery energy. Last time she got away from me in the mall, I threatened to make her wear one of those kiddie leashes. I guess the threat didn’t work. Don’t worry, I’ll talk to her.”
It took her a second to realize that Seth was gaping at her.
“That’s it?” he demanded. “I told you that I lost your daughter and you’re not pissed off at me?”
“But you didn’t lose her. She’s safe and sound in her bed. You said so yourself, you turned away for less than a minute.”
“Exactly. I turned away from her.”
“We can’t be expected to have our eyes on our kids every second of the day. It’s impossible. But we can expect our children to listen to us when we tell them not to run off after they’d been asked to stay put.” She let out another breath. “Like I said, I’ll talk to Soph. Or we can talk to her together if you want, so she sees how upset you are that she disobeyed you.”
“I can’t do it,” he said flatly.
Her stomach clenched. “You can’t talk to her with me?”
“I can’t do it. This.”
“This?”
“Us.”
Now her entire body went rigid. Cold. Numb. “Because Sophie didn’t listen to you and ran off?”
“Because I don’t deserve you. I don’t deserve them.”
“Seth, that’s just insane.”
“No, it’s not.” He viciously stabbed his cigarette out in the ashtray. “I was starting to let myself off the hook for Adam’s death, and look what happened, Sophie almost gets abducted!”
“She didn’t almost get abduc—”
But he was past listening. “I’m not supposed to have this. Any of this.” He waved his hand around the backyard. “My whole fucking life has been about atonement. I enlisted, I signed up for the most elite training there was, and now I spend my life helping people.”
Bitterness hardened her tone. “You’re not helping me or the twins by leaving us.”
He stubbornly shook his head. “You’ll be better off. Clearly I’m not meant to have any of this. Love, children, a family. I don’t deserve it.”
Agony seized her heart, bringing tears to her eyes. Lord, she didn’t know what to say to him. Didn’t know how to change his mind, how to show him how irrational he was being, how completely wrong he was.
But Seth didn’t even give her a chance to formulate a response. He stood up, his shoulders stiffer than boards. “If I stay, I’ll end up hurting you. So I have to go.”
The tears spilled over. “I can’t believe this.”
“I love you, Miranda, but I don’t deserve you, and I can’t take the risk that one day I might end up hurting you or the twins.”
He paused only to plant a soft kiss on her forehead, to gently touch her cheek with his callused hand, and then he left the backyard.
A minute later, she heard the sound of a car engine rumbling to life.
And then silence.
Chapter Twenty-One