I look at Dominic.
He puts his arm round my waist, his smile warm and understanding. ‘If Catherine says she heard a cat, then she heard a cat.’
Which is a very unsubtle way of saying he thinks I didn’t hear any such thing, but however crazy I am he is willing to support me one hundred per cent.
A group of hatted and scarved carol singers come into view, heading towards us from the pub round the corner, where we’ve heard them singing for the past half an hour. They stop a few yards away and start to sing ‘In the Bleak Midwinter’, two of their members walking among the drinkers, rattling buckets for a charity collection. Dominic puts a few quid in the bucket for us while I listen to the beautiful lyrics in a kind of trance. I think unwillingly of Rachel and the day she died: ‘Snow lay frozen, snow on snow, snow on snow . . .’ Why can’t I think of that day without feeling guilty? Is it because part of me was glad that my sister died, part of me wanted her dead? But how can I ever admit that to anyone?
Who would understand such a reaction? They would think I was a monster.
Chapter Thirty-Four
Dominic wanted to get a cab, but I told him I could manage the Tube. Though I hadn’t realised how packed it would be this late on Christmas Eve. With most lines closing soon for the holidays, the station is so busy we have to fight our way down the platform. Dominic helps me, and I put my arm around his shoulders. Though I don’t really need it. My ankle is far less painful now. But I like the way he’s holding me close. Or am I holding him close? Making sure he doesn’t stray?
Louise and Sally are just behind us, laughing and chatting with Jasmine.
‘We’re only going one stop, then we have to change,’ Louise says to Dominic. She and Sally live near each other, so they can go back together. ‘I just hope we haven’t left it too late. It’s nearly eleven.’
‘Sorry?’ Dominic can’t hear her over the noisy rush of a train barrelling into the station. ‘What did you say?’
There’s a loud disturbance behind us and I glance back. Some kind of deep-voiced, drunken chanting. A crowd of young men are pushing their way down the platform, maybe heading home after a Christmas party, singing some festive song with alternative lyrics.
Sally looks at them contemptuously. She probably has to deal with guys like that all the time in A & E. She moves between me and the track, a little unsteady on her feet. She kept a cocktail umbrella from one of her drinks and is twirling it in her mouth like a purple flower.
‘Merry Christmas,’ Jasmine says, nudging me.
‘Merry Christmas,’ I reply automatically, aware that Dominic’s arm is no longer around my waist. He is pulling Sally by the sleeve, tugging her back from the danger zone beyond the yellow line.
‘Careful,’ he tells her.
Sally says something, and he bends his ear close to her lips to hear it. They’re both dangerously near to the edge of the platform now, their heads together, deep in conversation. A conversation I can’t hear.
‘I’m really sorry,’ Jasmine says loudly.
I glance at my cousin. She’s pretty drunk too, I realise. Her words are beginning to slur and her eyes are shining.
‘What about?’
‘Before,’ she says, and then leans against me while she fiddles with her heel strap. I suck in my breath, the ache in my ankle gnawing as she puts too much weight on my shoulder. ‘God, these heels are killing me. I should have listened to your mum and worn trainers.’
I feel the change of atmosphere as our train approaches, pushing air out of the dark tunnel, little crackles and flashes of light surrounding its approach.
The crowd is pressing so close, it feels dangerous, out of control. There’s no room. No more room to move. So many people all desperate to get on the same train. It isn’t easy to catch my breath, I’m being so crushed.
Someone shoves me from behind. A nasty push, right in the small of my back.
I try to look round, but can only turn so far. There’s a mass of young men behind me, dressed for a night out on the town, swaying together mindlessly like plankton in an ocean current. They’re all chatting and singing, looking past me without seeing me, waiting to board the train . . .
All except one man, who’s clearly not with them. He’s right behind me. Middle-aged, with a moustache, a grey hat, collar turned up.
He’s not looking at the train like everyone else, but straight at me, with hard grey eyes that seem to pierce right through me.
Creepy.
The air is shuddering. Old newspaper is whipped up and about the platform walls as the incoming train begins to brake. The crowd shifts heavily as yet more people pour onto the already crowded platform, eager to get on board. We are all being forced towards the edge of the platform, including me and Jasmine.
‘Shit,’ I say, and grab at the person in front of me for balance.
It’s Sally.
‘Sorry.’ I release her. ‘People shoving me from behind . . .’
The crowd heaves forward convulsively, like a muscular spasm. It’s as if I’m being swallowed. I grab at arms and shoulders, and cling on, trying to save myself from being knocked to the ground. I’ve lost Dominic in the chaos and I can’t see Jasmine or Louise. I stumble into the person in front.
Suddenly there’s a terrible cracking thud ahead of us, like a ball hitting a cricket bat, only more muffled.
I try to see over the crowd but all I can see are heads and the silver-and-red flash of the side of the train going past. Then it brakes more violently and I see passengers in the lit-up carriages being thrown forward.
A woman is screaming.
‘Dom?’ I shout, my voice rising in panic. ‘Dominic? Where are you? Dominic?’
Jasmine pushes through the crowd towards me, saying, ‘Excuse me, excuse me,’ to everyone. Her expression is strained as she reaches my side. ‘It’s okay, I’ve got you,’ she says, putting an arm round my waist. ‘You can lean on me.’
‘Jasmine, what the hell’s happening? Where’s Dominic?’
‘No, trust me, you don’t want to look.’ I see the horror in her eyes as she tries to stop me pushing past. ‘I think someone’s gone under the train.’
Chapter Thirty-Five
My first appalled thought is that Dominic has fallen under the tube train.
But he appears behind Jasmine a few seconds later, looking as tense as she does, and I feel my heart jolt back into life.
‘Dom,’ I say, holding out my hand to him, and he draws me close. ‘Oh God, Dom.’
‘I’m here, baby.’ He kisses me on the lips. ‘Don’t freak out, okay?’
‘Jasmine says someone was hit by the train.’
‘Yeah, some old guy. Poor bastard . . . he must have tripped and fallen onto the tracks, I guess.’ Dominic catches me by the shoulders and holds me still, shaking his head. ‘Hey, stay back. There’s nothing anyone can do for him, and it’s not a pleasant sight.’
There’s an announcement over the loudspeaker system, but I can’t seem to focus on it. The crowd is slowly beginning to disperse. I don’t want to look, and turn my head the other way, shuddering. There’s a hat lying on the ground a few feet from us. I stare at it in shock, then let Dominic lead me away.