“At the apartment,” he repeated.
“There was nothing in that apartment but me and you. So we’re already there. Close your eyes.” I reached over and folded my hand over his.
He immediately opened his hand and intertwined our fingers. “I just want to go home, Doodle.” His voice broke as he leaned over, resting his head in my lap like he had done so many times before.
I went to work running my fingers through his hair, scratching his head in the way I knew would soothe him—but it didn’t this time. His huge body crawled even closer, wrapping both arms around me to hug my legs.
“Talk to me,” I urged again.
“No. You talk. I want to hear you while I still can.”
While I still can.
His words began to ricochet through my ears like a stray bullet fired from an unknown gun. They had been intended to be innocent, but they were deadly to me. They showed me that he wasn’t planning to stay this time either. This was but a brief stop for Till. Claiming whatever he needed at the moment before casting me aside yet again. My pulse began to race. I needed to be there for him, but who was going to be there for me when he walked away all over again? Where was he when I needed him?
“You’re the one who left, Till. I wouldn’t have gone anywhere.” I swung the door open and climbed out of his grasp. Then I hurried back to my apartment, wishing this were all just a nightmare and that he had stayed gone.
I heard his footsteps on the sidewalk behind me.
“Doodle! Please!”
I ignored him and kept moving toward my front door—my only refuge from the painful world without Till.
“Please,” he continued to beg behind me, and that single syllable destroyed me. “I just need to go home tonight.”
Funny, I wanted to go home too. I’d wanted that for a long fucking time though.
My temper slipped and tears sprung to my eyes. I spun around to face him, and he stilled just two steps away.
“There is no apartment, Till. I called the city and told them people were squatting in it. They cleared it out, gutted it, and then boarded it up tight. I sat in the parking lot and watched them do it. It’s fucking gone!” I took great pleasure in watching the words hit him like physical blows.
Yeah, kicking him while he was so obviously down shouldn’t have felt good, but it eased the pain I had been living with. It was about time that someone else lived with that shit. I was exhausted.
“No. No, no, no, no, no.” He stumbled backward before rushing forward. “Why would you do that?” he breathed before repeating it on a roar. “Why would you do that!”
“I needed it to disappear!” I screamed through my tears. “Just like you did.” I sobbed, reliving the morning of waking up without him all over again.
“That wasn’t yours to take away!” he exploded into the otherwise silent night. His words echoed off the surrounding buildings, each wave slicing me to the quick all over again. “That was our place. Not yours.” His voice cracked right alongside my heart.
“Yeah, well, there was a lot of stuff that wasn’t yours to take either.” I held his gaze, desperately trying to be strong, but as his eyes grew wide, I whimpered.
His long legs strode forward, and he stopped only inches away from me. He was crowding me, but he still leaned in closer to my face. “There is nothing in this world that was ever more mine than you,” he stated.
Though it was the absolute truth, I wished with all my heart that it were a lie.
“Till,” I cried, swiping the tears from my eyes.
“Why!” he shouted, causing his muscles to tense under the force. “Goddammit! I needed that place.”
Porch lights flashed on from the surrounding apartments, illuminating not only the dark, but also my rage.
I shoved my hands against his chest. “What about what I needed? You left! I waited in that fucking apartment for weeks.”
He didn’t budge, but my bare feet slipped, sending me toward the ground. Impossibly fast, Till’s hand snaked out and caught my arm. But I didn’t let his chivalrous gesture douse my fire. I had six months’ worth of words to say to the man I was irrevocably in love with.
“You took what you wanted. Then you left me.”
“Doodle,” he whispered.
I had been perilously close to the edge of insanity, and with one single word, he’d pushed me over.
I lost it completely.
Pounding my fists against his chest, I screamed at the top of my lungs, “It’s Eliza! My name is fucking Eliza! Not Doodle!” I spun to march away, but Till’s arms folded around me, lifting me off my feet to restrain me.
I was miniscule compared to him. There was no use in fighting, but I still kicked my legs, irrationally desperate to get away from him—but only because I knew I couldn’t keep him for forever.