She rolled her eyes, but I kept going.
“Ash, I was really fucked up back then. Even before the accident, I was angry about everything. Life was a struggle. Every single day was an absolute fight. Before my mom left, I would wake up in the middle of the night and clean the house because I was panicked that social services was going to show up. Till moved out when I was twelve. Sure, he came back and took care of us as much as he could, but on a daily basis, I was a seventh-grader raising a seven-year-old. I was terrified I was going to fuck something up and lose the little stability I actually had. Then, when Eliza entered our lives, she took a lot of that responsibility off my shoulders. She and Till gave me real security for the first time in my entire life. I was desperate to hold on to that feeling no matter what. And somewhere along the way, I confused that desperation with love.” I stopped talking and held her empty stare, begging her to truly hear my confession. I needed her to understand why I had acted the way I had. Maybe then we could start over without the shadows of the past fracturing the possibility of a future.
Finally, after several beats, she shyly admitted, “That’s how you made me feel.”
“Ash—”
“You made me feel safe and secure.” She looked back up, squaring her shoulders and fearlessly meeting my gaze. “You know, you don’t understand my life, either, Flint. I didn’t exactly have it easy. My father used to send me out on the streets to hustle. Sometimes they were nice guys who were clueless as to what the hell I was doing. But sometimes they weren’t. I got caught lifting a wallet once. The guy threw me down, kicked me in the ribs, and then spit on me before he walked away. It wasn’t anything huge. I ended up with a busted lip and a bruised side. It was mainly my self-worth that took the brunt of the attack, but my own father inflicted those wounds. When I got back to the pickup location, he gave me a ten-minute lecture on how I hadn’t brought him back enough money. He couldn’t have cared less that I had been hurt.”
“Son of a bitch,” I cursed. Kissing her forehead, I plotted Ray Mabie’s death all over again.
“That day when you tried to save me from Max meant more to me than you could ever imagine. I think I fell in love with you right then. Not because of who you were, but because of how you made me feel. After that, I opened myself up to you, which made everything you said to me that much harder. I could have dealt with that shit from anyone in the world—anyone but you. I trusted you, and look what it got me.”
“I am so fucking sorry, Ash. That day was like the perfect storm of triggers for both of us, because when I found out how old you were, I panicked all over again. You were sixteen.”
Her eyes turned angry as she snapped, “I’m only nineteen now.”
“Bullshit. You’re not nineteen any more than I am twenty-two. Ash, you didn’t spend the last three years partying it up. You were hanging out with elderly ladies and cooking lunch at a homeless shelter. We’ve both experienced enough life to last an eternity. I’m really ready to just sit back, relax, and enjoy it.” I dropped my forehead to hers. “Preferably with you.”
It was meant to be a reassuring statement, but it seemed to set her on fire.
She suddenly jumped to her feet, knocking me to the side before I caught my balance. “I don’t know how to be with anyone! It’s been me my whole life, Flint. Just me. Even when I was with my dad, I was still alone.” She began pacing the room. “And now, you show up and not only want me to be with you, but live in your perfect house with your perfectly labeled cabinets. I don’t fit in this life! I can’t be your happy little wife in your happy little home.”
“Okay. Slow the hell down. Ash, I’m not asking you to marry me.”
She froze and looked over at me. Disappointment showed on her face even while her cheeks heated in embarrassment. It made me an asshole, but that disappointment made me happier than any smile she had ever tossed my way.
“I didn’t mean—”
“Yet,” I amended, and her head snapped back. “I don’t know you anymore. I remember the girl that I fell in love with, and if I’m being honest with you, I still love her.”
Her chin began to quiver, but my smile grew.
“I want to fall in love with the woman now. I want to know who Ash Victoria Mabie really is. I mean, I know she’s gorgeous and great in bed,” I teased, causing her to choke out a laugh. “But I want to know all of her. And while we’re at it, I want her to get to know me too.