I used it as time to try to sort my own problems out, and figure out what it is I really like. And I’ve grown much stronger for it. I’m done being the desperate girl I was before. But now, my self-imposed man detox is getting a little old. Especially as I watch Alanna go on yet another date while I sit home with a tub of Ben and Jerrys.
I wish I could be more carefree and unemotional with men like Alanna is. She knows how to have fun without getting attached. She’s like one of those gypsy free spirited types who can go on a couple of dates with a guy, have a good time and leave without regret or feelings getting in her way. Of course, that’s the way she has to live because of our lifestyle, but Alanna doesn’t seem to mind.
I’m the total opposite. I’m usually shy and awkward around men and have a tendency to be too passive. Alanna says I’m a classic people pleaser. Unless I’m provoked, and then I’m a force to be reckoned with. My father always used to tell me I inherited a fiery Italian temper from my mother, and I suppose it’s true.
For as long as I can remember, my relationships have been emotional train wrecks. I had a somewhat unsettling fascination for bad boys. I suppose it has something to do with my past, but I don’t really want to analyze why. I always let myself get emotionally invested too fast, even when I know it’s a recipe for disaster. Alanna often jokes that I’m a masochist, but I wonder to an extent if that might be true.
I set my ice cream container on the coffee table and ease back onto the couch, wanting to rest my eyes for just a few moments. I’m surprised how tired I am.
The last thing I remember is drifting off into a blissful dream of Gabriel touching my hand softly like he did the other day.
And then I’m awoken by soft laughter above me. I half open my eyes to see Alanna hovering over me, grinning like the Cheshire cat. Her long brown hair is casually braided over her shoulder, her green eyes bright with amusement.
She looks happier than I’ve seen her in a long time, and I wonder if it’s New York, or something else. She may look like your average twenty-six-year old, but she is far from it. Behind the relaxed and happy face she shows the world, Alanna’s scars run deep. Though she’s come a long way, it’s always refreshing to see her looking so… alive. A vast difference from the first time I ever met her.
“What’s so funny?” I cover my eyes to block out the light.
She just giggles and shakes her head. “I think the better question is what exactly were you dreaming about?”
I sit up on the couch to make room for Alanna, my face flushing with embarrassment. “Oh God, what was I saying?”
“Well, I only caught the last few bits and pieces, but something along the lines of how beautiful you think he is. So tell me…” She flutters her eyelashes dramatically. “Is this another dream about Gabriel, the sex God extraordinaire?”
“Oh, geez.” I curl my knees into my chest. “I was dreaming about him again. What the hell is wrong with me? It’s been way too long.”
Alanna smiles playfully. “I find it rather amusing actually, and so much better than watching you have your usual nightmares. This is nice for a change. I think it’s a sign… there’s only one way for you to get it out of your system.”
“And what exactly is that?”
“You should go straight to that big fancy building of his, storm into his office, and fuck him relentlessly right on his desk.”
“Jesus, Alanna, you can be so crude sometimes.” I laugh. “What happened to you looking out for me huh?”
“I am looking out for you.” She winks. “You’ve come a long way. And I think this is a good time to ease yourself back into it. Just remember to keep it casual.”
“I’m not even his type,” I protest. “And I don’t want to think about it anymore. I just need to get out of this apartment because I’m going crazy with boredom. I was hoping tomorrow night my super popular BFF might be able to actually book me into her schedule for some girl time.”
“Of course my darling, anything for you.” Alanna grins. “So what part of town shall we tear up tomorrow?”
“I’ll leave that up to you, you always know where all the hot guys hang out.” I stand up and stretch my tired muscles. “But for now I’m dragging my ass back to bed, so I can get to the courier office first thing tomorrow.”
“Always so motivated.” Alanna chuckles. “Go to bed and get some rest because you’re going to need it for tomorrow night.”
I plod down the hall to my room, collapsing onto the single mattress on the floor and curling into the blankets around me.
***
The next morning I’m woken by the annoying sound of my cell phone. I reach to the nightstand beside me, knocking some of the contents to the floor as I fumble for it in the dark. I check the screen and frown when I realize it’s only six-thirty.
“Hello?” I whisper groggily.
“Victoria!” Marvin’s voice booms through the speaker. “Where the hell have you been? I tried calling you five times last night, you never got back to me.”