“This a game to you? You think this is funny?” I ask.
Hennessey raises an eyebrow and smirks with the self-assurance that he’s pissing me off. I don’t want to let him get to me because then he wins. We’ve always been close enough to know exactly how hard to land a blow that’s devastating. That’s the thing about siblings. They could be the worst person alive, but you know their heart, and that makes it difficult to hate them. It’s just that I can barely stand the sight of him right now.
Rather than starting a fight at the dinner table and ruining everyone’s night, I excuse myself and head out the back door into the backyard. Outside on the porch, I take a deep breath and try to center myself. I’m an idiot, and I keep fucking everything up.
I backed off Mel because the situation I’d created wasn’t fair to her, and H pointing that out fucking stung. I made the choice to keep my promise to Lydia, and in doing so, I had to ask Mel to wait for me. It wasn’t right, but at the time I thought it was what was best for everybody. Then Lydia and I broke up, and I should have been free to pursue this thing with Lulu.
Only, how the fuck was I supposed to do that when I’d just given H the all clear? How was I supposed to fucking go to him and tell him I’d changed my mind, that I’d made a mistake? So I suffered in silence for months while I watched Hennessey make flirty comments to Mel on Facebook and cringed when he would make subtle but pointed references to phone conversations I hadn’t known they’d had. I asked him how things were going once, and only once. I didn’t like the answer. He told me he liked her and was grateful that I’d stepped off. Told me how much he respected me for doing so and that a lesser man would have done things differently. Said that Mom and Dad would be proud of my selflessness. The asshole was laying it on thick and I knew it, but I let it go because Mel was still in New Orleans and he couldn’t do much from New York.
The only saving grace I had was when Royal let it slip that Mel was dating some douche bag backwater boy with two first names. Seemed to me that if she had a boyfriend, things weren’t working out with her and H. I couldn’t find a picture of the fucker, and she never really talked about him, so I mostly just pretended he didn’t exist. After that, I’d taken H out to Port of Call and told him we’d find him a nice badge bunny to make him feel better. It worked, and so I made sure he stayed busy and figured eventually Mel would be a distant memory by the time she graduated. It was working like a fucking charm, too. We’d go out, drink, get laid, and then do it all over again a few nights later. He didn’t talk about Mel and neither did I, and we just pretended that we both hadn’t somehow lost the best thing that never had a chance to happen to us.
I should have made it happen for me and Mel, but when the time came, I just couldn’t. And now that she’s here, I can’t even bring myself to tell her what the problem is. I’m not losing her—I’m pushing her the fuck away because I don’t know how not to.
The sliding glass door creaks open behind me and shuts forcefully. I turn to see my dad shuffling two glasses of whiskey from one hand to both hands. He meets me at the edge of the deck and props his elbows on the railing, then passes one of the glasses to me.
“Sorry about your son,” I say in reference to Hennessey.
“Which one? I got two grown idiots messing up lasagna night,” he says with a sly smile.
“I guess I deserve that.” I lift the glass to my lips but don’t take a sip and instead lower it and start rambling. Dad has this effect on people. Or at least he has this effect on me.
“H is a dick. He’s supposed to be dating Mel—or trying to—but apparently he’s fucking around with other chicks. It’s not right.”
“Right,” he says with a nod.
“I gave that fu—dumbass the green light, and he’s fucking it up.”
“Dumbass,” he mutters and shakes his head.
“And she’s fu—she’s bugging me with sh—crap, and I don’t have an answer for her.”
Dad grunts and says, “Just use the words, son. Your mother can’t hear you, and this conversation will go a lot faster if you don’t keep pausing. Lasagna’s getting cold, boy.”
“Hennessey told me he wanted to fucking change. He swore to me he wasn’t going to do this shit with Mel, but look at him—what’s he fucking doing? He’s dating someone else at the same goddamn time.”
“Man, I hate it when my brother refuses to exclusively date the woman I’m in love with,” Dad says humorously. I pause my thoughts long enough to let his words sink in. “What a tool.”
“Funny,” I say snidely.
“Didn’t you just fly out to New Orleans for her graduation?”
“Yeah,” I respond and bring the glass to my lips.
“Wasn’t that to tell her you love her? To, you know, be with her?”
“Yep.” And I down the whiskey in a single gulp.