“It’s this, like, war that happens in a suburban neighborhood between these soccer moms. It starts over something like a cheating husband and then escalates into full-scale war. They form armies and wage guerrilla warfare against each other until the government calls out the National Guard to end it. I had three callbacks for the role of one of the soccer moms, but then I didn’t hear anything, and I figured I was too fat for the role, and—Hello? Hi Verna, it’s Leah! May I speak with Frances, please?”
She twirled around and beamed at Brad. “They have sixteen parts for women!”
Whatever Brad might have responded, Leah didn’t hear, because Frances was suddenly singing into the phone, “It’s great news, sweetie! They’ve offered you the role of one of the soccer moms. They don’t know which yet, but it will almost certainly have lines. It’s two months of filming, three weeks of which are on location in Bellingham, Washington. Now the money is—”
“Yes!” Leah shouted. “YES YES YES!” she shrieked, thrusting both arms into the air, phone included, before whirling around to face Brad. “I got the part! I got a part in a studio film! And it’s a speaking part!” She quickly returned the phone to her ear. “When does it start?”
“Production starts in four weeks, but listen, I want to talk money with you.”
“Okay,” Leah gasped, but she didn’t hear a word Frances was saying, because she was doing a little happy dance around the living room.
Her troubles were over. She had a part in a studio film. She was back. Leah Klein, once the toast of Broadway was back. Who knew where it could lead?
Subject: Soccer Moms!!
From: Leah Kleinschmidt <[email protected]>
To: Lucy Frederick <[email protected]>
Time: 1:32 am
I GOT SOCCER MOM #5!!! Isn’t that fantastic?? I’m in four huge scenes with Nicole Redding, and two with Charlene Ribisi. Or maybe with their stunt doubles—I’m not sure how the battle stuff is going to work out, altho we start boot camp tomorrow. Isn’t that a stitch? A three week boot camp to make us into soldiers! Oh, Lucy, this has been so much FUN!! The only downside has been the costumes. I mean, they are sexier than what you’d probably see on a real soccer mom like in Torrance or someplace like that, but they’re still pretty frumpy. And the camouflage uniforms we have to wear for the last two battle scenes are HORRIBLE. No one is happy. Those pants make our butts look enormous. It’s like my friend Trudy said, “We’re an army of asses.”
So get a load of this: You know my boss, Henri, at the Silver Leaf Restaurant? The guy with hands everywhere and nowhere appropriate? I told him I needed a leave of absence for this film. And he was like, “What ees theees leave of absence? Theees eees not a job to have leave of absence! There are many girls to take your shifts!” Can you believe him? After how much I have worked for that asshole the last two years? So I said to his bald spot, because he’s so short and that’s really the only thing you can see when the lights are up, “You know, HENRY (he hates it when we call him Henry instead of ooon-reee), you are absolutely right. I quit!” HA HA. I walked out just before the evening shift started. I know what you are going to say, but I don’t need that stinking job, Lucy. I finally have the break I’ve been waiting for. I can feel it in my bones. Something fabulous is going to happen! I’ve got three auditions this week! THREE!
And guess what? I figured it all out: I will make enough to pay rent and bills, yada yada yada, AND get a new car (I really want a new Thunderbird)!
Okay, enough about me . . . I STILL can’t believe you are actually getting married!! GAWD, it seems like just yesterday we were clubbing in search of guys. And then I met Asshole and you met Pete (did he ever move to Atlanta like he promised?). Never mind. That’s been a long time ago, and YOU are getting married!!! But I never really thought you liked David. Didn’t you call him a moron?
Subject: Re: Soccer Moms!!
From: Lucy Frederick <[email protected]>
To: Leah Kleinschmidt <[email protected]>
Time: 8:30 am
Leah. It has been TWO AND ONE-HALF YEARS since David and I started dating, and that was a full six months AFTER I said he had moronic tendencies with a streak of idiot. Just to put things in some sort of time perspective for you since you are obviously on LaLa time, I will remind you that 2.5 years ago you were going to come back to New York because you hadn’t gotten anything but a commercial and had a car that was falling apart and hated your waitress job. And 2.5 weeks ago, you e-mailed and asked if you could sleep on my couch because you were definitely coming back to NY. So let’s see—now you’ve made TWO national commercials, have a car that is falling apart, and quit your job waiting tables so you can be a soccer mom. Okay, I will concede that the soccer mom thing sounds pretty cool, altho I don’t get why a bunch of soccer moms would have a war, but whatever. You have scenes and lines and get face time with huge Hollywood stars! AND you get a new car! But if this doesn’t lead somewhere, you really ought to come back. We have to shop for bridesmaid dresses.
Subject: Re: Re: Soccer Moms!!
From: Leah Kleinschmidt <[email protected]>
To: Lucy Frederick <[email protected]>
Time: 10:10 pm