“We should be fine,” Winifred said. Her words lacked conviction.
“If you need her awake, wake her up,” I said. “A good slap will do the trick. However, she’ll still be loopy.”
There were two seconds of stunned silence. I used the time to take another bite.
“Clay can hear you and doesn’t appreciate your advice,” Sam said. “Neither do I.”
I paused my chewing at the wave of irritation and glanced at Sam’s surly expression. I definitely felt like the unwanted stepchild. I stood up and grabbed my sandwich, even though I didn’t want it anymore.
“I’ll be outside.”
Ethan moved to follow me, and I didn’t stop him. We walked to the barn.
“Keep eating, Z. They don’t know you. They don’t understand.”
“Understand what?” I said, hating that he knew I’d lost my appetite.
“How much it’s killing you that you knocked the girl out like that.”
“Whatever.” I took a bite and chewed.
“They don’t all hate you, you know. Bethi seems to like you. And I think that big guy does, too.”
I gave Ethan a dirty look.
“What? As soon as you disappeared down the hall, he started asking the girls if they had something clean you could wear. Although, maybe it wasn’t consideration for you as much as consideration for us. You smelled like puke.”
I shook my head and let out a laugh.
“You’re ridiculous.”
The barn door was still open, and someone had opened the door on the other side. We went to the opening and sat on the floor. My feet dangled over the edge as I looked out over the barren fields. Sunset was painting them gold and orange.
“I know I’m not like your dad,” I said after a few minutes. “I just hate seeing you hurt.”
“And that’s why you’re not like him. He could care less if I was hurt.”
“So, you going to tell me when you learned to close yourself off like that?” I said, changing the subject to avoid a lecture.
He grinned at me. “Since the last time you came to the bar.”
“Does it bother you?”
“It’s not like I’m holding my breath. I’m just keeping tight control of what I’m letting myself feel.”
“Hmm,” I said with a frown. “I was going to say that I liked it, but it sounds a little cold.”
He shook his head and looked out over the fields. “I guess it could sound that way. But how can anything be cold when it’s done to protect someone you love?”
I studied his profile for a minute and then leaned over to rest my head on his good shoulder. Behind us, the yard light flickered on.
“When this is all done, maybe you won’t need to turn yourself off. I hope Bethi’s right and whatever’s wrong with me will go away.”
“There’s nothing wrong with you.” He wrapped an arm around my back and kissed the top of my head. His love for me leaked out just a bit, but I didn’t comment on it.
Five
After several moments of silence, my stomach rumbled. The big releases made me so hungry afterward.
“I’ll get us another sandwich,” Ethan said.
I nodded and straightened away from him. He knew I’d stay in the barn and starve rather than go back in for more food. It wasn’t just the emotions that kept me sitting but the group’s attitude toward me. I hated myself enough for what I did to people. I didn’t need them silently judging me too.
As his footsteps faded, I considered our situation. I hadn’t thought everything through when I’d agreed to help. I’d only seen the end goal of getting rid of my siphoning. But, before I could get rid of it, I’d have to chum around with these emotionally uninhibited people. I had a feeling I’d be doing a lot more sparring with Ethan in the upcoming days. If it got too bad, he and I could take off for a while. I frowned as I realized just how dependent we were without a car or our bags. I didn’t even have my wallet.
“Do you love the boy?”
The unexpected voice made me jump, but its familiarity kept me seated. I turned to glare at Carlos.
“I wish you’d stop calling him a boy. His name is Ethan. He’s twenty-four—old enough to own the bar you trashed. And yes, I love him. He’s my family.”
Carlos studied me for a moment then looked out over the shadowed fields. His expression left no hint at what he was thinking or feeling. It was so strange not to feel anything from him. I wanted to ask him why he was so emotionally shut off but thought that might not go over so well. So, I joined him in his study of the horizon.
After a few seconds, he surprised me by sitting down in Ethan’s spot. Heat radiated from him, and I found it unsettling.
“How often do you need to purge?”
At first, I thought he was talking about my throwing up in the van and was ready to deck him. Then, I realized he meant the fighting.
“It depends on who I’m around. The group inside is broadcasting emotions so loudly I can feel it from here. I’ll need another round with Ethan before we leave, or if we stay the night.”