He thought I was in love with Frank! This was getting too much.
‘You’ve got it all wrong . . .’
‘Aha!’ Johnny tapped the side of his nose. ‘You want to keep it a secret – I understand. But I think I should warn you that even with the Avons being so progressive, I imagine they’ll think twice about letting the next duke marry a . . . a . . .’
‘A what?’ I was feeling angry with him – both for his stupid guesses and for his inference that I was not good enough for Frank even if I’d wanted him. ‘A beggar? A base-born street child with no family? Don’t you think I know I’m rubbish without you telling me?’
I pulled away from him and started to run up the street. I didn’t want to talk to him – or anyone else who had a peerage and a fortune as a cushion to protect them from the life I knew. To hell with the lot of them – dukes, kings, rich men all!
I heard pounding footsteps and my arm was caught from behind. Johnny swung me round to look at him. He was furious.
‘Don’t you ever call yourself rubbish in my hearing, Cat Royal! I will not put up with you spitting on your own reputation like that!’
‘So I should just let others do it for me, should I?’
‘Don’t be silly, no one’s called you that!’
‘No? What about Mr Tweadle, the ballerinas, half of London – and you – you were about to say it in so many words – admit it!’
‘I was not.’
We were beginning to attract a crowd with our raised voices but I didn’t care. Johnny pulled me down a side alley and out of sight.
‘So, tell me, what were you going to say then?’ I challenged him.
‘I was just going to say that they wouldn’t want him to marry a commoner.’
‘That’s it exactly. Common as muck, bred in the gutter – I’ve heard it all before, Johnny. I know what you mean – it’s all right, you don’t need to explain. It’s fine for aristocrats like Frank to play at being poor, even all right for you to pretend to be a man of the people with your simple Mr Johnny Fitzroy routine, but when it comes to someone like me rising above her station, then alarm bells begin to ring.’
Johnny was lost for words. He didn’t know he’d just walked in on a very private battle I was having with myself as to my own worth. As ever though, my mouth continued to run on long after it should have shut up.
‘You aristocratic revolutionaries can only bear so much change, can’t you? It’s just skin deep – literally! If it’s an African or Indian – or, heaven forbid, a woman who wants her equality, then you start to panic.’
‘That’s not true, Cat.’ He had gone pale; I had struck a nerve.
‘Isn’t it?’
‘Not with me.’ He seemed confused that I had leapt from my opinion of myself to politics. ‘What’s all this about, Cat?’
‘It’s about you telling me I’m worth something when I know that you and everyone else don’t really think so. I count for nothing – I have no property, no vote, no blue blood. I have nothing because what little I once had has been stolen and twisted to benefit someone else’s pocket. So don’t you go telling me I’m not rubbish! If I say I am, then I am.’
I had argued myself into the absurd position of defending my right to put myself down. I can’t blame Johnny for being confused.
‘Stop it, Cat, stop it!’ he said, running his hands through his hair in exasperation. ‘Why are you saying all these terrible things about yourself?’
‘Because they’re true! If you hear it enough about yourself from everyone, then you start to believe them.’
‘But you mustn’t.’ Johnny grasped my shoulders, then gathered me into his arms and gave me a hug. ‘You’ve certainly had your confidence knocked out of you by that Tweadle fellow, haven’t you, Catkin?’
I clung to him, like a castaway holding on to the last bit of flotsam that stood between me and drowning.
‘You mustn’t let rogues like that tell you what you’re worth. In fact, you shouldn’t even listen to me or your other friends.’
‘Who should I listen to then?’ I felt so lonely – I knew that at any moment he would let me go. I wished I could continue standing in his arms forever.
‘In the end, Cat, all of us have to listen to our inner self. The voice that tells you you’re worthless isn’t the real you – it’s from outside. Think – what does Cat really think of herself?’
‘I don’t think you’ll be pleased.’
‘No? Try me.’
‘I think that I can’t be worth much because my parents abandoned me.’
‘Ah.’
‘I’m nine parts stupidity to one part wit.’
‘That’s not bad – most of the population cannot claim even that much.’
‘And I suppose I’m loyal, a good friend and have my moments of bravery,’ I conceded.
‘Hear, hear.’
I pushed him gently away, thinking it better that I broke willingly from his hug while I still could. ‘Sorry, Johnny.’
‘Sorry for what?’
‘For shouting at you. It’s just that when I think about the future, I keep panicking. It’s like falling from the top of the stairs in the dark, not knowing where I’ll end up.’
He put his arm around my shoulders. ‘I understand. Life is precarious for most of us, but more so for you. What you forget is what most of your friends see in you.’
‘What’s that?’
‘The ability to beat the odds . . .’
‘And fall on my feet?’
He nodded.
‘I just hope that lasts.’
‘It will, Catkin, it will. It wouldn’t dare fail you.’
But for all Johnny’s optimism, my luck had just run out. We arrived at Madame Beaufort’s to find two members of the National Guard at the door. It was too late to make a run for it even if we had known which of us they were after. They leapt to their feet.
‘Mademoiselle Royal?’
‘Oui, monsieur?’ Johnny’s grip tightened on my arm.
‘Will you come with us, please. The mayor would like to ask you a few questions.’
‘What about?’ I asked, my heart thumping.