“It’s not weak to need someone,” Mattheus responded. “It actually takes a lot of strength to admit it.”
Cindy thought of Kate then and her desperate need for Sean. She thought of the loneliness that had gripped Kate’s life and the tragedy of her early death. Was that what love was based on?
“The way you say it makes it feel like desperation,” Cindy said softly.
“You’re mixing me up with the people in our cases,” said Mattheus, irritated. “The cases have affected your emotional outlook.”
“They’ve taught me a lot,” said Cindy.
“Not always in good ways,” Mattheus replied.
Cindy took exception to that and was about to answer as a burrowing owl flew down beside them and stared.
“Look at that incredible bird,” Cindy said to Mattheus.
“Let’s stay on topic,” Mattheus replied, suddenly uninterested in anything but the discussion.
A sense of heaviness fell down upon Cindy, as though bloated clouds had descended upon them, promising rain.
“Can’t we just enjoy our time here together?” Cindy asked, wanting to be free to explore the beautiful scenery and let heavy discussions rest.
“How can we enjoy our time when things are so unsettled?” asked Mattheus. “I’m ready for a life partner, someone to commit to for the rest of my life. I want someone I can count on, who wants to be with me all the time. Is it you? Do you want that as well, Cindy?”
Cindy had to take a deep moment to reflect. She looked out over the craggy hills, through the limestone formations, between the incredible trees that grew naturally, without any demands.
“Everyone wants to love and be loved,” said Cindy. “But even when you love, you may not want to be with that person all the time. You may not be able to give them all they need from you. Life brings all kinds of moments, sudden changes, storms, unexpected winds.”
“What are saying?” Mattheus’s jaw was working.
“I’m not sure exactly,” said Cindy.
“But I am,” said Mattheus. “You’re saying you don’t really love me.”
Cindy stood up and felt her feet planted on the magnificent earth.
“No, I’m not saying that,” she was suddenly sure of it. “I do love you Mattheus, very much. But I don’t want to disappoint or hurt you. And I also need to be who I am.”
“And who are you, Cindy, really? Who?” Mattheus responded.
The longer they spoke, the louder the owl began hooting, the sound echoing above their heads.
“Love is commitment, love is giving,” Mattheus continued fiercely above the din. “Love is being sure.”
Mattheus had so many rules for everything. Cindy felt exhausted by them.
“Did we come here to talk about our relationship or to take a hike in the park?” she asked.
“Both,” said Mattheus. “I’ve bought you a surprise, but I’m not sure I should give it to you now.”
Cindy felt a wave of sorrow wash over her. Their discussions often took such a difficult turn, twisting them both into heartache, instead of the happiness they’d hoped to find.
“Probably better to wait for a happier moment,” said Cindy.
Mattheus’s fists clenched. “Maybe you’re right,” he grumbled, “and who knows when that will come, or how long it will last?”
The hike back down was quieter. Cindy and Mattheus made their way to the car without saying much. When the silence began to become oppressive, Cindy hummed a bit and Mattheus asked a few questions about the case.
“How was the interview with Kate’s dad?” he asked as they turned down a hill.
Cindy was relieved to focus on something else other than their relationship.
“Kate’s dad is convinced her death was suicide,” said Cindy off handedly.
Mattheus seemed startled. “You say that so casually as if it doesn’t mean anything?”
Mattheus’s reaction jarred Cindy. “Not at all,” she said, “it’s just his view. I don’t necessarily agree with it. Kate’s father is a sad guy. He’s had a lot of tragedy in his life. Both his sister and mother committed suicide.”
“My God,” said Mattheus, “that’s horrible.”
“Very horrible,” Cindy echoed. “I can only imagine how awful this has to be for him. First he said he thought it was something in the family genes. Then he told me he’d sensed this would happen to Kate from the time she was young. Basically, he’s decided it all has to do with fate, that it was written in the stars.”
“Written in the stars?” Mattheus mused.
“As if there were nothing that could have been done about it,” said Cindy.
“And maybe there’s something to that, for all we know?” Mattheus replied.
Cindy looked at him, amazed. That kind of comment was the last thing she’d ever expect from him. Above all Mattheus had always been practical.
“After all, it’s true, isn’t that, that no matter how hard we may try for something it doesn’t happen,” said Mattheus, “and then other things just happen by themselves.”