As her words sank in, he saw himself for the first time as she must see him. They were all hurting, and all he could think of was how this affected him. Why would Tannis want to spend eternity with such a selfish bastard? A wave of pain washed away the anger and left him drained and empty. He looked from Tannis to Jon and Skylar and Daisy. He expected to see anger in their faces at his selfishness, but all he saw was understanding.
Pain squeezed his heart in a vise, and he spun on his heels and stalked from the bridge. Tannis was behind him, but he kept on going, until she came up beside him and slipped her hand in his. They walked in silence, and he didn’t notice where they were going until she pulled him to a halt outside her cabin. She released her hold on him and he felt bereft. He’d better get used to it.
Tannis pressed her palm to the panel and ushered him inside where he stood, hands shoved in his pockets. He didn’t want to talk. He was scared of what would come out.
A maelstrom of emotions churned inside him. “I don’t know what’s happening to me. And I’m not sure I can take this. It hurts.”
“You’re becoming human.”
“What?”
“Rico told me that once. He said you might be kidding yourself that you were changing, becoming something else, but it was actually the human part of you that was causing the problems.”
“Problems?”
“You’ve closed yourself off for so long. I bet you’ve even convinced yourself that you’re turning into some sort of alien so the rules of being human don’t really apply to you anymore. But they do.”
He knew she was speaking the truth. He’d been fooling himself. Whenever he had to make a difficult decision, something his conscience whispered was wrong, he’d tell himself it was the Meridian, not him. He wasn’t responsible. He’d been a coward as well as a fool.
The knowledge of her coming death was eating into his soul. If he still had one. If he’d ever had one, for that matter. Maybe this was God making him pay for all his sins. But why should Tannis pay as well?
“Look,” she said. “I’m tired. I just want to rest for a while.”
She didn’t want him here. Why should she? He must be a constant reminder of what she had lost. “I’ll go.”
“No.” The word was torn from her, and she reached out and laid her hand on his arm. “Please stay. I don’t want to be alone. Just stay with me. Hold me. Forget for a while that I’m dying and just be with me.”
“I don’t think I can.”
She frowned, irritation flicking across her face. “Well, just freaking pretend!”
He curved his lips into the semblance of a smile. “Let’s go to bed.”
He undressed her slowly, picked her up, and laid her gently between the sheets, before stripping off his own clothes and sliding in beside her. The lights dimmed and he rolled onto his side and pulled her close to him, wrapped his arms around her.
“We’re two great humans, aren’t we?” he murmured into her hair.
Tannis raised her head and stared at him so he could see the glow of her eyes in the dark. “Yes, we are,” she said fiercely. “Being human is as much about how you behave as what you are. It’s looking out for the people you love.” She bit her lip. “Actually, there’s something I wanted to ask you.”
“Anything.”
A grin flashed across her face. “Don’t be so quick. After I’m gone, will you look after them? Just for a while. El Cazador will need a captain. I’m thinking maybe Skylar would like the job in the end, but she’s a mess right now. And Jon is no better. If we don’t get Alex back, I’m scared he’ll revert to the way he was.”
“We’ll get her back.”
“I know you’ll return to your old life, but just keep an eye on them until they’re over this.”
“I promise. Now sleep.”
He closed his eyes, sure he wouldn’t be able to sleep—he rarely slept these days. But as he lay in the darkness, listening to her slow steady breathing, he drifted into sleep.
He woke in the darkness. For a moment, he thought her gone and panic clutched his heart, threatened to suck him under. Then he felt her soft lips moving over his body, her warm mouth engulfing him. They made love as though it might be the last time ever.
…
When he woke again, he was alone. This time he didn’t panic. He’d gone over what she’d said, and he was determined that if she was going to die, it would be knowing that Alex and what was left of the crew was safe.
He didn’t know how, but he could forget the wallowing in self-pity, at least for the present. The future would be soon enough for that.
Colonel?
For a moment, he thought he would get no answer.
Callum? We thought you might be dead.
He breathed a sigh of relief. He’d kept very quiet since Trakis Seven was destroyed, partly because he was totally pissed off with the Council and their part in the destruction of the planet, but also because if the Council believed there was a possibility he was dead, then they might free the colonel. It was well known where the colonel’s loyalties lay. Well I’m not.
I’m glad.
So am I. What’s happening over there?
I’m still being treated as suspect, but they’ve eased up since Seven was destroyed. I get the distinct impression that this is all part of some plan. They don’t appear to have made any effort to break the siege, and there’s something else. Your new stealth ship is missing.