Getting up to my feet, I grabbed a log off the stack and walked around to the other side of the pit. “You need another one. I wasn’t an Eagle Scout, but I can tell that’s going to fall over in no time.”
Aaron’s mouth seemed to open before he closed it and pasted a tight smile on his mouth with a nod and a gulp he probably assumed I didn’t noticed, but I had.
“You still haven’t gotten the fire started?” came Max’s voice a moment before he started kicking up sand just a few feet away, stopping at the edge of the pit with his hands on his hips. “Do you need me to do it?”
Aaron huffed a tight laugh at the same time Max shot him a dirty look. “You do it? Right.”
Max rolled his eyes. “Some of us go into manhood knowing how to do things and don’t need to be in the Scouts.”
“Is that why you made me change your tire twice?”
Max blinked. “Fuck you.”
They bickered back and forth for the next hour while Aaron started the fire, after grumbling about kindling. Then Brittany, Des, and Mindy made their way to the beach with plastic grocery bags in their hands just as the sun completely fell behind the horizon and everything darkened. Down the beach, I could see another small bonfire going. I’d snagged a spot on one of the chairs they had brought from the house, rubbing my hands over my calves to warm them up while the fire grew larger. Mindy came over and took the seat beside me, spending almost all her time typing on her phone. As every minute passed, it got harder to accept that this was my last night here without making a big deal about it.
Aaron was in his element with his friends, arguing with Des and Max about everything and anything. I just watched him. At one point, just as they started busting out the bags of marshmallows, graham crackers, and chocolate bars, we made eye contact. I winked at him.
“I think I’m gonna go sit… over there,” Mindy said abruptly, getting up without hesitation and going over to the other side.
I watched Aaron smile as he got to his feet too and patted her on the shoulder while they passed each other. Then it was my turn to smile as he came to a stop in front of me, both his hands going to cup the top of my head before sliding down until they rested on my shoulders. “What are you doing sitting all the way over here by yourself?”
I shrugged. “Nothing. The chair was lonely over here.”
He frowned as he lowered himself to his knees on the sand, pushing my legs apart on the way. Aaron scooted into the space, his back against the seat, my knees on either side of his shoulders. His hands went to my ankles, circling them. The side of his cheek rested against the inside of my knee. I could feel his breath on it, and that’s what told me he was talking.
Leaning forward, I moved just close enough to hear him. “What did you say?”
He peeked at me out of the corner of his eye as he took my hand away from where I had it resting on my thigh, bringing the palm to sit right over those perfectly built pecs, the muscle taut, his body warm. But it was the feel of his heart beating steadily that relaxed me. “I said, I could sit right here for the rest of my life.”
“Oh? That’s all you said?”
I could see the corner of his mouth perk up into a slow smile. “Yeah.”
I rubbed my hand in a circle over his chest, feeling more of his body on me.
“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about it,” he said into my knee.
“It’s okay.”
He shook his head. “It’s not okay. I’m sorry, Ru. It’s just…”
I moved my hand to smooth over the short hair on his head, and he leaned into me.
“Where I’m from, everybody knows about my family. It’s no secret.”
“I’m sure.”
“No, I want to tell you I just… you live in your family’s shadow for so long, and when you don’t want to be in it anymore, everyone thinks you’re a dumbass.”
“You’re not dumb. Who made you feel like that?” I asked a little defensively.
“Everyone.” His mouth touched the inside of my knee. “That’s why I went into the military. I didn’t know what I wanted to do, but I knew I didn’t want to go to college and join the family business like my brother had done, and my dad had before him. It’s what everyone expected. It’s what everyone’s always done. Joined one of the family businesses.”
Were there more? But instead I asked, “But you don’t want to?”
One of Aaron’s hands wrapped around my bare calf. “No. Not really.” There was a pause. “I don’t know anymore, Ru.”
“Then don’t,” I told him as easily as he always told me I could do everything and anything. “Or do. This is going to sound really cliché, but it’s the truth: you can do whatever you want. Anything. You’ll figure it out. Just because you didn’t want to go to college years ago doesn’t mean you can’t in the future. You can stay in the military if you want. You can do anything. As long as you’re happy, you can never be a failure. You don’t have to make a ton of money to be successful, you know. Look at me, I’d rather be poor and stressed out than have a steady job that I hate.” I hesitated. “Maybe I’m not the best example. All I’m saying is, do whatever you want to do. That’s what you’re always preaching to me, isn’t it?”
He made a chuffing sound against my leg as he stroked it from the calf down to the ankle and back up. Aaron didn’t say anything for a while, his gaze stayed forward on the fire.
With the hand not on his chest, I touched his soft blond hair and leaned in closer to his ear. “I don’t know what to do with my life either, you know. But someone I know told me not to give up on my dreams. You know I’ll help you figure it out in any way I can, just like I know you’ll help me any way you can. Ruron, remember?”
That had him tilting his face to the side, peering at me over his shoulder thoughtfully. Before I could react, before I could even think, he pressed his mouth against mine. Lip to lip, just a press, then a peck on the corner before he smiled softly and nodded almost hesitantly like he believed what I said but was still a little unsure.
And that was okay. Because I wasn’t going to quit telling him what he needed to hear. Not ever.
Neither one of us talked much as we ate smores roasted over the fire, and hours later, once the fire had finally died down enough for us to smother it completely, we trudged back to the house. My head had been full of all kinds of things I wanted to think about and all kinds of things I didn’t want to think about.
But there was one thing I couldn’t stop thinking about.
And that one particular thought stuck with me as we went back to the house and I detoured to shower because I smelled like smoke. With that same thought still in my head as I got dressed, I told myself that I only got to live this life once. Just once.
And somewhere deep down inside of me, I was the brave twenty-one-year-old who had done something I couldn’t ever imagine redoing. Except this time, it was with someone that every part of me was convinced loved me back. Loved me back and wouldn’t be afraid to hide it, if there was anything to hide.
But there wasn’t.
There wasn’t, but if there had been, Aaron would never make me his dirty secret.
Never.
So when I saw the sliver of light coming in from beneath the doorway of his room, the door slightly cracked, I shook off the tingling coming from my fingertips and told myself that I was a different person than I’d been even just a few days ago.
I pushed the door open a little more, nerves buzzing along my skin trying to convince me that I was scared. I ignored them as much as I could.
If I was going to be brave for anyone, it should be Aaron.
“Yoohoo?” I tried to ask, but it came out like a whisper.
He was kneeling in front of the bed, his suitcase wide open as he rummaged through it, but the moment I spoke, he stopped what he was doing and glanced over, smiling easily. “You okay?”
“Yes,” I said, pushing the door open wider. “Can I come in?”