Brittany nodded, her own eyes flicking in the direction where mine really, really wanted to go to again. But I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t. The cute, high-chiming laugh belonging to the waitress seemed to carry across the freaking restaurant one more time, and it was so cute and sweet it made me feel like mine sounded like a donkey, loud and abrasive, uncultured and just… me. Awkward. This was why I didn’t compare myself to other people.
My traitorous eyes slid toward the bar even though I knew better. And I saw that the waitress had her hand really close to Aaron’s on the bar counter. I glanced back as fast as I could, luckily beating out Brittany’s gaze. I was too strung out to notice the frown on her mouth.
“She’s a real fucking flirt, isn’t she?” she stated under her breath, her eyes narrowing.
Pressing my lips together, I tried to act stupid. “Who?”
“The waitress,” she said, still looking in that direction. “Every time we came in here last time we visited, she was just a little too friendly even to Des, seeing me sitting next to him. I don’t like it.”
I couldn’t tell her I didn’t like it either, but I smiled like I could understand where she was coming from. “Des is really cute.”
That had Brittany instantly grinning over at me. “He is, huh?”
I nodded.
“Aaron’s not too hard on the eyes either if you like that kind of Captain America thing,” she joked.
Yeah, me playing it cool ended there. I didn’t trust myself not to say something stupid and instead giggled. Giggled. How much more fake could I get? I hadn’t giggled since I was seventeen and around Hunter.
It must have been obvious I was full of crap because she laughed. “I’ve tried asking Des what’s going on between you two and he says he doesn’t know.”
“Oh, there’s nothing—”
She rolled her eyes.
“Really, there’s nothing. He called me his little sister one day,” I explained, reaching up to scratch at my neck.
Brittany’s mouth twisted to the side for a second, like she thought I was full of crap, but she didn’t say anything else, settling for just taking a sip of her iced tea.
There was another laugh from the bar that had my throat knotting up, and I knew what I needed to do. Pushing my plate forward, I took another sip of my water and shoved my chair back. “I was thinking about taking a walk around and see if I can find Mindy.”
She nodded, her expression focused on the bar again until her eyes flicked to mine briefly. “Want me to go with you since Prince Charming over there is busy?” she asked.
I shook my head. “I’ll be fine, unless you want to come.”
“I’m saving to buy a house. I shouldn’t be doing any shopping right now. I don’t have any self-control,” she explained.
“Okay,” I told her a little too quickly, my smile a little too brittle as another cute laugh made its way to our mostly empty table.
My hands were not shaking as I pulled out the approximate amount of money my bill was going to be plus tip and left it in the center of the table. I was not about to cry. No. No. No. When I forced my eyes not to blink, I reasoned that they needed some ventilation, not because I was worried one bad blink would lead me to burst out crying.
“I’ll see you in a minute then.”
On my feet, with my purse going over my head, I told myself not to look at the bar again.
And I failed. Like usual. Like I did at most things.
This time, the three men were all sitting at the counter, listening to the waitress talk openly about who knows what. And they were all smiling. Who was I to get mad about someone making Aaron happy when all I’d heard was how unusual it was for him to have those kind of reactions?
I wanted to be jealous and petty, but I couldn’t be.
That was a lie. I could. But I wouldn’t let myself.
And so, even though my hands shook and sweated, I shot Brittany another smile and wormed my way through the crowd of tourists, heading toward the door. The cool air was more than welcome on my nostrils even if it did nothing for the ugly, bitter feeling bubbling around in the pit of my stomach at the stupid image in my head of Aaron smiling and laughing at another woman. God, I was acting worse than a crazy girlfriend.
Of all the men in the world I could be nuts about, I had to be in love with the one who saw me as something I didn’t want to be. What was wrong with me? It was like I was asking for the heartbreak since I knew darn well what I was getting myself into. I did this to myself every freaking time, didn’t I? Always. Always falling for the one guy who couldn’t and didn’t see me as more than a friend.
What was wrong with me? Who kept doing this kind of crap to themselves willingly? Knowing how this would end?
Way to go, I told myself. Way to freaking go.
No wonder. No freaking wonder I was where I was.
Maybe I’d been looking at this relationship business the wrong way all along. Maybe I shouldn’t expect fireworks and heart eyes straight from the beginning. Maybe falling in love or liking someone was gradual and it took a few dates. Maybe.
After all, I was listening to my mom who had been married four times.
Maybe I really was expecting too much.
Shoving my hands into the pockets of my shorts, I looked up and down the nearly deserted street and went left, my heart feeling so heavy it was hanging around my belly button. There was hardly anyone out and about as I speed-walked toward the shops I’d seen on the way over, literally fifty feet away from the pub’s entrance.
I’d barely made it halfway down the block when my phone vibrated against my hip, where the body of my purse was resting. Stopping on the corner, I pulled it out and forced a shaky breath out of my mouth that was immediately followed by a tear that rolled out of my eye. I wiped it before it made it far, and stared at the NEW MESSAGE AARON HALL on the screen. Swiping my finger across the screen to unlock it, I told myself the same thing I had from the moment I became aware I had feelings for him. He didn’t see me the way I wanted him to, and even if he did, did I want to be with someone who kept so much to himself?
Not really, my head said, but my heart said it could deal.
I opened the message.
Aaron: Where are you?
Standing there on the street, I typed back my reply.
Ruby: Going to look for Mindy.
I had possibly taken five steps forward after sending the text when my phone vibrated again.
Aaron: What way did you go?
I squeezed the phone in my hand and took a deep breath, reaching up to wipe at my face the second I thought I felt another tear in my eye. I was such a loser. Why was I tearing up?
Ruby: Left.
I answered him honestly even though I didn’t want to. I typed out another message.
Ruby: You don’t have to come. I’m fine. I won’t get lost. Text me when you’re done.
I sent it and then added :) because that wasn’t passive-aggressive enough.
Aaron: Ruby
That was all his response said.
Ruby: It’s okay. You need to hang out with your friends too and not spend all day babysitting me.
I typed up I’m used to being alone, but deleted it because that didn’t sound all melodramatic and pathetic at all. Instead, I settled for I’ll be with Mindy. Have fun.
Putting my phone back into my bag, I reached up to my face and pressed my fingers against my brow bone, my thumb on my cheekbone, and let out a shaky breath. I needed to get over this crap, or at least learn how to deal with it better, ASAP. I couldn’t be a jerk to him because of the things going on in my head that he had no part of. I couldn’t be mad at him for flirting with a pretty woman.
…Even if it felt like everything inside of me had gotten beaten up, and I felt defeated and more than a little alone.
My phone didn’t vibrate again as I slipped into the first shop I found open. Mindy wasn’t in it, but I walked around the glassblowing store, taking in all the knickknacks there. Then I went into a souvenir shop and spent some time in there, buying a small magnet for my mom and Ben that was on sale. After that there was a T-shirt store, an art gallery… I must have spent an hour going from one business to the other, never coming across Mindy. It wasn’t until my phone started ringing that I finally pulled it out again. Aaron’s name flashed across the screen.
I held back a sigh as I went to answer it. “Hello?”