“Goodnight,” she said before hanging up. It was already way past her usual bedtime.
I’d been surprised when my phone had started ringing at nearly midnight that Sunday night and I’d seen her name flashing across the screen. I’d been in bed on my computer after a long day at the beach that had given me a hint of a sunburn on my neck and shoulders. Des and Brittany had made dinner that night, some kind of wedding meatball soup that had been so delicious everyone had gone for seconds and thirds. Afterward, we’d all gathered around the television in the living room and watched the first Star Wars movie. Aaron had caught my smile while he’d loaded it into the DVD player, and I’d known he’d suggested it just for me. I knew it.
I had started falling asleep on the couch toward the end, and by the time the credits were rolling, I’d told everyone goodnight and headed downstairs while they all stayed up there doing… whatever it was they were doing.
But now, getting off the phone with my mom after a fifteen-minute-long conversation… I wasn’t so sleepy. I knew there was no way I could fall asleep. Besides, I’d taken a nap beneath the beach umbrella for an hour at some point after we’d eaten a lunch of sandwiches and chips, before heading back to the water for more.
For a few moments, I debated staying in my room, just fooling around on my computer since I didn’t have anything to work on, but decided I didn’t want to. Opening the door, I could hear the sound of a television on in one of the rooms, but couldn’t tell which one it was. The lights seemed to be off beneath the door of each one.
Up the stairs, I found all the lights on, even the television. Sitting in front of it, on the big couch with his feet propped up on the white wicker coffee table, with his arms crossed over his chest, was the only person in the house I would have really wanted to see. He must have heard someone coming up the stairs because his head rolled to the side, his expression calm and almost blank, and when it must have registered to him that it was me, a small smile covered his mouth.
He gestured me over with a tilt of his head.
I went. Of course I went. “Hi,” I said as I crossed in front of the coffee table and plopped down on the couch cushion beside him.
“Hey,” he whispered, his head lolled to the side to watch me as lazily as possible. “Woke up?”
“No, my mom called. I just got off the phone with her,” I explained.
“Everything all right?”
The fact that he’d worry something wasn’t right as the first thing, made my chest ache. “Yeah, she just wanted to make sure I was still alive,” I tried to joke, watching for a hint of a smile or some kind of pleased expression on his face.
And there it was. “You told her we’re treating you good?”
“Yes. I told her she’d like all of you a lot,” I said. “You can’t sleep?”
He shook his head, so lazy his neck didn’t even support it so he could do it properly. “I’m tired, but I can’t wind down.” Unlike me, he hadn’t napped on the beach. I hadn’t asked why he didn’t, but I could guess.
“You don’t want to lie in bed and see if that helps?”
He didn’t say anything for a second, and I was just starting to think he was going to ignore my question when he said, “That room makes me claustrophobic. I can sleep in there, but I can’t… hang out in there.”
I wasn’t sure I understood, but I smiled and nodded at him anyway. “Want me to grab you a pillow and a blanket so you can try to sleep out here?”
“No, Rubes, I’m all right,” he replied. “I’ll get over it. I just need to wait it out.”
“It’s not the same thing, but I have a hard time falling asleep most nights too. I can’t get out of my head, I think about all these things, and it keeps me up.”
Those brown eyes blinked lazily. “Like what?”
I hesitated and lifted my shoulders, remembering that this was him. “Everything. I nitpick little things I did or said throughout the day. I think about things I can’t control. I used to think about what I would do the day I quit my jobs, and if I could do my own business, or at least find something or someone with work that appreciates me more…. That’s how you know I was pretty much fantasizing. I know that would never happen. I just… I’d lie there and think about everything. Even other people’s problems. My dumb problems. It’s kind of lame.”
“That’s not lame.”
I shrugged.
Aaron watched me for a second before letting out a long breath, his eyes going up to the high ceiling of the living room before flicking back down to meet mine. “I think about stuff too.”
“Like what?” I asked, figuring the worst he’d give me was a vague answer.
But he didn’t. “Like you said, shit I can’t control. Could never control. I go back and replay things from years ago and wonder what I could have done differently.”
I didn’t want to interrupt him, but at the same time I had a dozen questions I wanted to ask him. The problem was, I’d realized that while I wouldn’t call him secretive, there were a lot of things he didn’t want to talk about. Things he actively avoided. As much as I might want to know, I didn’t want to force him to do something he didn’t want to do. I hated when people did that to me, so I kept my mouth shut as he kept going.
“I think about what the hell I want to do and then think about how I don’t know what that is.”
“What do you mean?” I couldn’t help but ask.
His chest rose and fell, and he glanced back at the ceiling, his body language trying to tell me this was casual, but I knew it wasn’t. “I don’t know what I want to do when I get out, or even if I want to get out,” he explained, and I figured he was talking about the army. “The idea of… failing… of not figuring things out really messes with me.”
I must have reared back at his comment. “If you’re a failure, I am too. But we’re not.” Maybe I was, but I couldn’t admit that right then.
He shook his head in this way that seemed a little too resigned for me, and when he went back to his tactic of changing the subject, it made my skin ache. “I’ve stopped trying to look forward to things too, and I don’t know when that started.”
Was that the sound of my heart breaking?
Aaron still wasn’t looking in my direction as he continued. “I want to, you know? I want to be excited about things, but it’s hard. I expect the worst all the time. I know I’ve told you before I don’t like to focus too much on the future, but sometimes when all you can focus on is what’s going on right now… it’s tough. It’s all kind of one giant thing. Not knowing what I want to do, not being able to look forward to what’s to come. I just need to figure it out. I will, I’m just tired I guess,” he tried to explain, his tone a little tired, a little glum. That blond head of hair rolled to the side and Aaron widened his eyes, shaking his head like he could just shake off his thoughts and mood. “I’m a blast to be around, huh?”
His words were sarcastic, but I knew he didn’t mean them to be rude. So I told him, trying to stay broad with my statement because his words weighed down on me so much, “I wouldn’t call you a party. You’d be more like the bartender at the party, making sure everyone else was having a good time,” I tried to joke. “I’m not the best person to give you life advice or anything, but I get it, to a certain point, what you mean. Everyone needs something to look forward to. You don’t have to live your life anticipating the future or dreading it, but you can have these little things you look forward to every day. I know you’ll figure everything out. You don’t have to do it right now.
“I hated high school,” I confessed. “The only way I got through it was because of my friends. I’d look forward to eating lunch with them and planning what we’d do that weekend. I hated college too, and the only reason I finished it was because I kept telling myself that the faster I passed my classes, the faster I’d get out of there and do what I really wanted to do. There’s nothing wrong with that.”