“Close enough.”
I expected wild passion. Between my legs, I felt a man ready for fucking. No way was I ready, but I assumed Saint expected it. As usual, I was wrong about him.
His hands settled on my shoulders as he studied my face. I felt my panic easing, yet my arousal grew. He was less scary up close. More real and less what my mind made him out to be. Hell, he even seemed gentle like a kitty rather than a hungry lion.
Tracing my lips first, his fingers explored my cheeks and forehead. Curious more than aroused, Saint didn’t consume me. He never lost control. By the time his lips grazed mine, I felt entranced by his dark eyes. Saint possessed secrets I’d never know. This idea made me sad in a way it shouldn’t, but I hungered to understand him.
Saint kissed me softly then pulled his lips away before kissing me again. I responded to his kisses with panic, thinking I wasn’t ready. Yet once his lips sucked at my bottom one, I was desperate for more.
His hands cupped my face as the kiss deepened. Even moaning at the taste of his tongue against mine, I yanked away. A moment passed while I studied his face and he waited patiently. Leaning forward, I pressed my lips against Saint’s and let him lead.
Time falling away, our bodies wrapped together as the kisses grew frantic. I lost myself in the heat of his body. No thoughts remained. No past or future. Just this perfect hot moment with a man I needed to survive.
Suddenly, Saint picked me up and moved me to the other side of the hot tub. He sat back at where he’d been then ran his hands through his hair, wetting the already damp strands.
“Why?” I whispered, confused and overwhelmed.
“I can’t lose control.”
Despite what he said, I felt rejected. Exposed and humiliated. My past came crashing back, causing a sob to rise up in my chest. Desperate to be strong, I strangled the sound.
“Can I sit closer?” I whimpered with my hands in fists. “I can’t lose control either.”
Saint looked at me, wearing his mask of cool indifference. I felt small under his gaze, yet he nodded and patted next to him.
I crawled along the seat and rested a foot from his warm body. Still panicking, I pressed my knees against my chest and struggled to stop shaking.
“When I was locked in a dark prison,” Saint said in a gentle voice, “I would pray to God. Let’s pray now.”
Taking my fisted hand, he closed his eyes. “I’d imagine I was on the top of a mountain where everything is clean and open. I’d breathe in the pristine air and feel closer to God.”
I closed my eyes and pictured myself standing with Saint on the top of the mountain. My panic slowly eased away until I was resting my head against his shoulder. Around us, the water no longer bubbled and the pool area felt too quiet.
“We should go upstairs and clean up before someone ruins our good mood.”
Nodding, I didn’t move. “It’s been a long day.”
Saint caressed my hand under the water then stood in a quick motion. I stood too, though not nearly as quick or smooth. He held out my robe before walking to the door. I followed behind Saint, uncertain if anything I felt was real. Was he tricking me like the girls warned or was I conning myself?
Chapter Twenty Two ~ Saint
Once we reached the apartment, Harlow rushed to the shower. I waited for her while checking the messages on my throwaway phones. I discovered a few possible jobs I’d likely blow off and Mom checking to see if I managed to put a ring on it. I rolled my eyes at her message then waited for the shower to turn off.
The moment Harlow appeared from the bathroom, I knew something was up. I even suspected she might want to leave. Having her hair combed back allowed me to see her face well enough that I knew she was close to breaking into tears.
“I want you to tell me the truth,” she said, standing in front of me.
Her hands were in fists and she lifted her chin defiantly.
“I’ll do my best,” I muttered.
“This thing you’re doing with me, is it really about training me and needing help sleeping? Or is this a game you’re playing with those Memphis guys? Like seeing if you can fuck me. Is this a joke or trick?”
Her expression ripping me apart, I wanted to hold her against me so badly. I felt her life in my hands in a way that I didn’t even with people whose lives could literally end at my discretion. Harlow was on a path with a very distinct fork in the near future. If she faced her fears and asked the right questions about her life, she would end up happy. If she wasn’t strong enough to make the tough calls soon, Harlow might end up bitter to the point of never finding her way free of her past.