And he’s right. Aunt Edna sits in a chair and I do a double take at what she wears. It takes me awhile to figure it out, but I think she’s taken Christmas place mats and sewn them together to create a vest. Each one is depicts different scene, so she’s quite the holiday image. She also wears a baseball hat encrusted in red and green sequins and other sparkly things. Under the hat her hair pokes out in various curls here and there, creating the old I just stuck my finger in an electrical outlet look. Red pants and black boots, similar to what Santa Claus would wear, complete her ensemble. No doubt, Aunt Edna certainly has the Christmas spirit. The only things missing are ornaments and lights. I’m truly speechless.
Drew and I have decided to exchange gifts privately, but I’ve brought a gift for his parents. It’s nothing fancy, but a lovely picture frame. Those are something everyone can use, so after discussing it with Drew, we both decided to give the same thing to each of our families.
During the exchange, they are very gracious when they open it. Then Letty opens Aunt Edna’s gift to her, and Drew pinches my thigh. “Check it out.”
Inside the box is something that may resemble a purse. I’m not sure. It looks like it might have been a Clorox bottle at one time, but it was cut and holes were punched into it, and then red and green yarn was woven into it to create the purse effect. It’s so hideous, I have to cover my mouth to prevent the snort that threatens to explode out of me.
Drew leans over and whispers in my ear, “What the actual fuck is that?”
That’s my undoing. I bend in half and try to cover up my snort with a cough.
“Cate? Are you all right?” Drew asks.
He damn sure knows what’s wrong with me. He grabs me and hauls me out of there to the kitchen where I proceed to die laughing.
“Oh my god! That was the worst she’s ever given, I swear,” he says.
A response isn’t possible as I gasp for air. When I’m capable of pulling air into my lungs, I say, “I’ve never. That was awful. She reminds me of Aunt Bethany in the movie Christmas Vacation. Are you sure she doesn’t have a cat wrapped up in a box somewhere?”
He starts to laugh again and says, “It wouldn’t surprise me. Maybe I should check the house. Didn’t I warn you? A new kind of crazy, right?”
“True, but don’t ever whisper again. That’s when I lost it.”
We rejoin the family, me with a glass of water in hand. Drew’s parents eye us as his mom winks. We share one of those looks and continue with the opening of the gifts. Ray’s gift isn’t quite as bad. Aunt Edna gives him one of those gigantic inflatable block pillows you use for flying. You’re supposed to put it on your lap and rest your head on it during the flight. The only problem is you look like an absolute dork if you do.
Now it’s Drew’s turn. He unwraps his box and inside is a huge pair of Playtex yellow cleaning gloves. He’s clueless until Aunt Edna pipes in.
“I heard how important it is for you doctors to keep your hands clean so I thought these would come in handy for you when you examine your patients.”
This time, I shake as I hold my laughter inside. I don’t dare look at Drew as he thanks his aunt, but I can tell how his voice squeaks, he’s about to lose it. Just when I think we’re done, I look to see a box under my nose.
“And here’s one for you, dear,” Aunt Edna says, as she wobbles back to her seat.
Shit!
“Why thank you! But you didn’t have to.”
“Aw, just open it.”
So I do and inside is a hand knitted scarf by what looks like a kindergartener. It’s the thought that counts, Cate. Unfortunately, the colors are horrific. Red, green, purple, orange, rust, a blend of clashing shades, it pains my eyes to look at it.
“Oh, it’s so … lovely. Thank you so much for thinking of me.”
“Why, you’re welcome.”
I lay the thing on my lap and hear Drew snicker, so I don’t dare look at him. But as I’m staring at the scarf, I notice something else. It’s literally covered in cat hair. And I mean layered in it. Now I really want to laugh. But I can’t. So I put the thing back in the box and fold my hands in my lap.
“Well, I think it’s time for some holiday cheer,” Ray announces.
“I’ll drink to that,” Aunt Edna declares, and the celebration begins.
Others begin to arrive, cousins and aunts and uncles, and I lose track. By the time all are present, there are a total of twenty-four here. Everyone brings a covered dish, as is the southern tradition, and Letty handles all the meat dishes and desserts, along with the bar items. It’s quite an affair.
When the dinner is over and the relatives have gone, Jenna and her brother, Ben, show up. I haven’t seen Ben since the party where Drew first laid eyes on me.
Ben man-hugs Drew and says, “Glad you two hit it off so well.”
“Like there was ever any doubt?” Drew asks.
“You were so damn persistent about it. Did he tell you, Cate?”
“Yeah, he did. So did Jenna.”
“He drove me crazy for a while. I didn’t know what I was gonna do if you hadn’t gone out with him.”
“We don’t have to worry about that now, do we?” Drew asks, pulling me to his side.
I glance up to see Drew looking down at me, grinning.
“We certainly don’t,” Ben says. “And I’m happy to say you two look perfect together.”
That seems odd coming from Ben. I wonder if Jenna told him to say that, but when I look at her, she’s staring at Ben looking like she just swallowed a glassful of vinegar.