I should’ve known better. So I tell her about my confession to Drew on our first date.
She straightens and crosses her arms over her chest in exasperation. “Please to god tell me you did not share that with him.”
I cover my face with my new furry friend. “I did. I had a few drinks and I sort of overshared. What can I say?”
“So, let me get this straight. You told him you looked like a grizzly?” Her face says it all. It’s all screwed up like she bit a lemon.
“Kind of. That was at first. Then I said it was more like Sasquatch.”
“Really, Cate? You sure know how to set the mood.”
Now it’s my turn to make the face. “It gets better. That was after he said he had no intention of getting naked and sleeping with me.”
“Oh, now that’s a double fuck. And he actually asked you out again. I’m impressed. What the hell were you thinking?”
I rub my brow. “I already told you! My mouth ran away from me.”
“Okay. Rule number one. Do not drink to a point that on your first date with a guy you allow yourself to tell him shit like that.”
My head hangs down. “I know. I didn’t mean to. But it just sort of happened. We were having so much fun.”
“Clearly. He must have too. Why else would he be taking you out again? He bought you a stuffed Bigfoot, Cate!” Then she turns to me with a serious look. “Have you waxed?”
“Yes! I’m all muffin-scaped now.”
“Who did your waxing? I hope you went to the right place.”
Now I know she’s going to kill me. I squeak out, “I did it.”
“What do you mean you did it? No one does their own waxing!”
In all the years I’ve known Jenna, I have never seen her look so furious.
“Well, I did. I was trying to save a few bucks,” I admit.
“And I’m trying to save you from humiliation. You probably look like Halfsquatch.” She plucks her phone out of her pocket and thumbs through her contacts. “Here’s the number of the salon I use. Call them to have your waxing done properly.” She rattles off the number.
Then I start to think about it. She may have a point. I really couldn’t see down there when I was doing it. Maybe I did leave a bunch of hair. That would be awful. Worse than awful. It would be a muff-tastrophe.
“Okay. I’ll call them. Just so Louise can look pristine.”
“Who the fuck is Louise?”
I hold up my index finger and jab it toward Louise.
“Jesus C. You named it Louise? How did I not ever know that?”
“It’s a private thing.”
“Whatever. I have to go. Just make sure you get Louise taken care of.”
She closes the door behind her and I call the salon she uses. When they tell me their prices, I almost croak. That isn’t in my budget unless I skip paying my electric bill for the month. So I hit the number for the cosmetology school I use for my haircuts, wondering if they do waxing. When they tell me they do, I ask their price. I’m excited to find I can afford it. They tell me they can take me in twenty minutes, so I dash out the door with barely enough time to make the appointment.
The whole session turns out to be embarrassing, with two strangers getting a bullseye’s view of Louise. And Louise is rather shy. Their pitying stares at my do-it-yourself-wax-job-gone-bad make me think I have a tree sprouting between my legs.
When I get home, Jenna is there. She looks at me kind of funny. “What’s wrong with you?”
“I don’t know. I went and got waxed, but my butt cheeks feel weird—like they’re stuck together. Is that normal?”
“What? Your butt cheeks are stuck together? No, that’s not normal. Who did your waxing? Everyone at my salon is usually great.”
I give her a sheepish look.
“Well?”
“I went to the cosmetology school,” I confess.
She looks horrified. “You did what?”
“I couldn’t afford your salon,” I cry out. “It was way out of my budget.”
“Okay, let’s stay calm here. So your butt cheeks are stuck together, huh?”
Then she chuckles, but it turns into a howl.
“Stop. It’s not funny. My unders are crammed up there now, too.”
She slaps her knee with this news and snorts.
“Wh-what? Oh my god! You have a wax-wedgy!”
I throw a pillow at her. “Stop! What am I gonna do?”
“Let’s Google how to get the wax off.”
Jenna pulls it up on her computer, and using some special oil, my butt cheeks are freed from their waxy prison. Right as we finish, my phone buzzes. I look down to see Drew’s name. Thank god he didn’t call an hour ago. I would’ve been mortified.
“Hey Drew.”
“Cate. What’s a gorgeous girl like you doing on a Friday afternoon?”
Getting all my hairs yanked out by the roots and freeing the cheeks of my ass, so I can be smooth if you happen to run your hand down my pants tomorrow.
“Oh, nothing very exciting. Trying to do a little studying before tomorrow.”
“Yeah, about tomorrow.”
My heart plunges. I know he’s going to cancel on me, and I’ve never felt this way about someone canceling a date.
“What?”