Lisa killed Jon. She sent Ava those messages. I remember how quietly happy she was about Simon. How obvious it was they liked each other right from the start – all those unnecessary meetings he arranged. And her nerves, like a teenager, when they were going for dinner. Could she really have been that Lisa and this crazy person at the same time? Even if I was too stupid to notice, surely Ava would? Maybe not. She’s a teenager, absorbed in her own life.
The pregnancy test. Ava must have had a boyfriend. Have the police tracked him down? Is he relevant? He didn’t matter very much to Ava. She was too fixated on her online love. It makes me sick, the madness of it all.
I dump my bag on my desk and try to stay breezy, but the excited chatter is loud. They’re talking about it. Of course they are.
‘I mean, holy fuck, she killed her ex. Murdered him. While she was coming in here and being all sweet and nice and normal.’ Toby’s rocking back in his chair, like some show-off teenager at school. ‘Batshit crazy.’
‘It’s the daughter I feel sorry for. Where do you think she is?’
‘Dead probably.’
‘Julia!’
‘Well, it’s horrible but it’s probably true.’
The women are in a huddle around Julia’s desk, and none of them acknowledge my arrival.
‘Penny in?’ I ask, bright and breezy.
Heads turn, glances over shoulders as they quieten.
‘She texted me earlier.’ Julia, arms folded across her chest, all sharp eyes and confidence. ‘Got a breakfast meeting so won’t be in until about ten.’
Penny and Julia sitting in a tree T-E-X-T-I-N-G … Sly little Julia, a tapeworm in the guts of our world.
A phone rings. ‘Don’t, it’s reporters,’ Stacey says as I reach for it. ‘They’ve been ringing since we got here. They’ll probably turn up outside soon.’
‘Poor Penny, having to deal with all this.’ Julia turns inwards and neatly closes the circle again, me on the outside. ‘She couldn’t possibly have known. I mean, who would think a person could be doing anything like that and still coming in to work every morning?’
Their chatter has a hysterical giggly edge to it and it makes me angry. So it’s okay that Penny didn’t know it, it’s okay that Toby didn’t have any suspicions, but somehow I’m still tarred with the Lisa brush?
‘It’s like Rose West or Myra Hindley,’ Julia continues. ‘Murdering all those people and carrying on with life like normal. Who knows what else she may have done? This could be the tip of the iceberg.’
Giving your age away there, Julia, I think. These kids have probably never heard of Myra Hindley. Or Rose West, for that matter.
‘Gosh!’ Emily’s eyes widen. ‘What if this was just the beginning? What if she was going to kill one of us next?’
‘I thought that last night,’ Julia, all glee, answers. ‘Who knows what she’s capable of? If she could kill her own daughter …’
‘We don’t know she’s murdered anyone yet.’ My rage bursts into flames, and I glare at them, all these young and not so young people so full of judgement and accusation.
‘Oh, I think we do.’ Julia turns, arch. ‘What about her poor little brother?’
‘You know what I meant.’ My face reddens. My answer is weak.
‘Oh, you meant we don’t know whether she’s killed anyone this time.’
Lisa is a murderer, but that was a long time ago. A different life. A different name. But it’s so hard to believe she’s got anything to do with the rest of all this crazy. Because she’s not crazy, and even if she is crazy I’d still like her better than this grade-A bitch in front of me. She’s smiling. This is exactly what she wanted. Well, fuck her.
‘No, as a matter of fact, we don’t. So why don’t you get on with the work you’re paid to do, and leave the police to get on with theirs.’ It’s not my finest ever comeback, but given that I’m a heartbeat away from screaming nonsensical swear words of rage and frustration into her smug face, it’s not bad. It’s not only her, it’s all of it. Richard, Penny shutting me out, Simon being kind, Ava going missing and Lisa – I can’t even begin there.
‘I’m surprised you’re not more worried,’ Toby joins in, not wanting to be emasculated by Julia, the new power in town. ‘I mean, you knew Ava pretty well, didn’t you? I’d have thought you’d be more upset about her, instead of defending Lisa.’
I stare at him, this peacock of a boy who’ll be bald and fat and unfuckable by the time he’s forty. This boy who knows nothing. ‘How dare you! How dare you presume to know my feelings?’
Red spots rise in his cheeks. He doesn’t know whether to go forward or back.
‘She stole the money.’ A soft voice, barely there. Stacey. Sweet, dumb Stacey, defending her man. Julia’s eyes dart back and forth, relishing every moment of this overdue confrontation. There’s a long pause of held breaths, and then I don’t disappoint as all the heat rushes out of me. A blaze of fiery words.
‘God, you’re all so fucking stupid!’ I say. ‘You can’t see what’s right in front of you! Lisa never stole any money! Jesus Christ, ten years she worked here and never a penny went missing! Julia stole it! Little miss resting-bitch-face over there. Yes, you! And you know how I know? Lisa saw you at the party. You took twenty quid out of Penny’s wallet and bought her a thank you bottle of wine with it! You want to talk about crazy? Well, that’s crazy!’ I pause for a breath, my whole body shaking, as they stare at me.
‘Yes, Lisa did something terrible a long time ago, and no, I’m never going to understand it, or get my head around it, but fuck you for thinking people can’t change. Fuck you for being so quick to believe the worst because you’re too young and too lucky to know what life can make you do, and fuck you all for being so stupid to think that girl’ – my finger stabs at Julia – ‘that woman, because she’s my age if she’s a day – is your friend!’
I finish my tirade to an applause of silence and wide eyes. Stacey looks about to burst into tears. Toby’s mouth is hanging open but his eyes are gleaming with regret he hadn’t videoed me on his phone. They don’t get it. They’ll never get it. But still, I’m feeling better already, as if I’ve just vomited up bad food, and then I see Julia’s expression. Victorious even as she tries to look distressed. She’s not looking at me. She’s looking over my shoulder. My stomach sinks. Penny’s arrived. Of course she has.
‘Perhaps you should go and work from the hotel, Marilyn,’ she says. Her smile is tight. Any other day and I’d be fired, I’m sure of it, but God bless Simon Manning. ‘Feelings seem to be running a little high this morning and I know you have a lot to organise there.’
I nod. I’m like a scolded child and suddenly I want to cry. All I do is cry these days. I won’t now, though, I’m not giving Julia the satisfaction. I don’t trust myself to speak as I gather my things together. Screw you too, Penny. My eyes blaze into hers and the ten years of trust between us burns to ash.
‘One more thing,’ she says, as I head towards the door. I turn. ‘Apologise to Julia. She didn’t deserve that.’
Now all I want to do is laugh. Or applaud. Julia’s certainly the ringmaster of this little circus. I stare at her and she stares back. Her eyes give nothing away. She looks truly hurt by what I’ve said. She deserves a bloody Oscar.
‘I apologise, Julia.’ It’s clear from my tone I’m not sorry at all, but still she darts her eyes sideways in a Princess Diana poor me way, and tentatively smiles.
‘Please,’ she says. ‘It’s okay. I know it’s been a difficult time for you.’
God, she’s good, but I’m not buying it for an instant. My back is stiff as I walk out. Fuck you, Julia, if you think this is over. My hand trembles as I press the button for the lift. If you think that, then you don’t know me at all.
50
LISA