All their games and fantasies start with running away – drive away, baby – who they’ll be and what they’ll do, and Charlotte leaps up despite her tiredness, despite her raw anger, despite the tears trapped inside that threaten to humiliate her. ‘Bonnie and Clyde!’ she says. ‘We’ll rob banks and shite people up! We’ll be legends!’ She feels stronger already, basking in the glow of Katie’s admiration. Katie thinks she is wild and crazy and free. Katie thinks she is the big bad wolf, terrorising everyone in the estate. The big bad wolf.
‘I’ll be Bonnie and you’ll be my handsome Clyde.’ Katie pretends to fan herself with one hand, and pulls an invisible gun from her hip with the other. ‘We’ll be inseparable and people will envy our love.’ She leans in and kisses Charlotte on the mouth and her lips are so soft Charlotte’s face burns and contorts as the tears she dreads threaten to overwhelm her. She pulls a cigarette out of her top pocket and lights it, trying to control her trembling mouth.
‘Charlotte?’ Katie says, so full of concern. ‘What’s the matter? Has something happened?’
She shakes her head. ‘Just shite with Daniel. The usual. Family. Nothing I want to think about.’
‘You can tell me anything.’ Katie holds Charlotte’s face in both hands, not gently, like a girl, but strong.
‘I know.’ She can’t though. This is not like Katie’s overprotective ma. Instead, Charlotte breaks away and lets the cigarette hang from her lips as she stands in a pose she imagines a gangster would take. ‘Let’s go on the rob, Bonnie! There’s a bank in town we need to hit!’ She wiggles an eyebrow and holds out her hand and Katie laughs and claps her hands together and jumps up and down. Always so much energy. It feeds Charlotte and almost makes her feel better.
They clamber out of the house back into the sunlight and they run fast across the wasteland hand in hand. The bank will be old Mrs Jackson’s stupid shop and their gold will be sweets and drinks that Charlotte will steal. She is the big bad wolf, she is, she is. She doesn’t want to think about last night. She wants to run so fast the past can’t keep up.
Stupid Daniel. It was all stupid little shite Daniel’s fault. She can feel it, the memory of it, chasing her like hot breath on her neck. She runs faster, but she’ll never be fast enough.
‘Daniel’s sick,’ her ma says, standing in the doorway of her bedroom. ‘I need to stay at home.’
‘There’s nothing wrong with him,’ Charlotte growls and doesn’t look up. ‘He was fine earlier. He’s fine now.’ It’s not totally true though and she knows it. He has been quiet and pale and not nagging at her to play with him since she got home. Just sat in a corner with Peter Rabbit, sucking on one of the ears. She feels a tug of something inside. Not love. She can’t love Daniel. Everything is worse for her since he came along, but a tug of something. ‘I’ll watch him while you work.’
Ma shakes her head. She’s like this whenever Daniel gets sick. Won’t let Charlotte near him. ‘It’s me he needs.’
‘So what’re you telling me for?’ She was never like this when Charlotte was small, when it was only the two of them. She never stayed in for her.
‘We need the money.’ Ma isn’t looking at her now, focusing instead on the listless toddler on her hip clinging to his rabbit.
‘And?’ Alarm bells are starting to ring in Charlotte’s head. Her ma says nothing for a moment, chewing her bottom lip. Her eyes are glazed over, from drinking with Tony all afternoon probably. Red-ringed too. Has Ma been crying?
‘You talk to her. I’ll take him.’ Tony appears and lifts the boy out of Ma’s arms as her hands flutter to take him back. Daniel starts crying, little quiet sobs.
‘Charrot come with me,’ he says, and then he’s gone.
‘I’ll come and tell you a story in a minute,’ Ma calls after him. ‘Little Red Riding Hood. Your favourite.’
Charlotte’s racing heart hardens. There were never bedtime stories for her. No one looked after her when she was sick. Daniel’s such a lucky shite and he doesn’t even know it. Ma comes and sits, carefully, on the edge of the bed. This, this is something else. Danger tingles in every cell of Charlotte’s body.
‘You should take this,’ Ma says. She holds out one of her ‘back pain pills’.
‘Don’t want it.’
‘Just bloody take it!’ Tony’s voice bellows from the corridor and both Charlotte and Ma flinch.
‘Go on. It won’t hurt you. It’s a good feeling.’ Ma half smiles but her eyes still slide sideways. ‘I know you, Charlotte, you like a buzz.’
‘Haven’t got a drink.’ Delay, delay, delay. It’s all she can do, but she’s cornered and she knows it. Daniel’s crying sounds like it’s coming from far away. There is only her bedroom and it’s no longer her sanctuary. A can of lager is thrust in her hand and she takes it and the pill, and while wanting to scream with all the fear and the knowing unknowing of what she thinks is to come she swallows it.
‘There’s my good girl,’ Ma says, and strokes her hair. Ma looks like she’s going to cry which scares Charlotte more than anything. ‘Don’t worry,’ she says. ‘It’ll be all right. It’s always all right if you just don’t think about it.’
‘His nappy needs changing,’ Tony says, appearing once again in the doorway. ‘You do that. I’ll get her down the chippy. She can have a wash there.’
Charlotte finds herself getting to her feet. She can’t fight Tony. Ma doesn’t fight Tony. No one fights Tony. Her legs are trembling. She won’t cry. There’s no point. She wonders how long it will take for her ma’s pill to kick in and finds herself thinking hurry up hurry up hurry up. She turns to pick up her jacket.
‘Only her mouth, yeah?’ Ma whispers, and it’s frantic, guilty, ashamed. Tony grunts in reply. ‘I mean it, Tony. I mean it. She’s only eleven.’
Charlotte thinks she might be sick, but she keeps her chin up. She has Katie. One day they’ll run away. One day they’ll fuck this fucking shite right off. Only when she gets to the front door does she glance back. Ma’s at the top of the stairs, Daniel on her hip again.
‘Once upon a time there was a forest. In the forest there was a little girl called Red Riding Hood. There was also a big bad wolf …’ She doesn’t look down at Charlotte as she talks. Daniel does, though. Clutching Peter Rabbit with one hand, he gives Charlotte a half wave with the other. A small gesture. Just for her.
Fuck you, Daniel, she thinks, as she follows Tony outside. Fuck you, you little shite.
45
NOW
MARILYN
I’m shattered. What a day. What a mixture of a day. The adrenaline of being back at work and acting as if everything was fine at least kept me awake at my desk, and it felt surprisingly good to be back in the grip of humdrum normality.
That feeling lasted a whole hour before Richard arrived, unkempt and wild, banging on the glass doors, demanding to be buzzed in. I wasn’t surprised. Not really. On some level, I knew he’d be watching the car park every day, waiting to see me arrive. If it hadn’t been such a humiliation it would almost have been a relief.
When I went out into the corridor he did everything I expected. He begged me to come back. He pleaded. In the very predictable end, he threatened. Loudly. He slammed me up against the wall. You’re so fucking ugly no other man will ever touch you! Who the fuck do you think you are? I will fucking destroy you, you stupid bitch! All so grotesque, the monster inside showing on his contorted face. I cried. I couldn’t help it. Being pressed up against the wall hurt my ribs and all his anger hurt my heart. How did we come to this?
The noise brought Penny out in no time at all. She wasn’t going to take any of his shit and Richard knew it. Threatening and bullying his wife was one thing, but he couldn’t do play those games with Penny. She stood firm as he tried to swallow his rage and look reasonable, spit still on his lips from where he’d been screaming at me. She told him she’d call the police if he came back to the office again, reminding him that thanks to Lisa the police were quick to come to PKR when called. She told me I should get a restraining order. I straightened my clothes and told him I wasn’t coming back. It was over. I’d be getting a divorce.