He’s standing against the wall when I open the door, his jeans still unbuttoned and the zipper down. Unfortunately, his cock isn’t still out, because Lord knows I would love to get a good look at what I felt. I avoid his gaze and make my way into the room before climbing in bed. I listen to the sounds of him moving around in the bathroom and roll to my side, hoping that he doesn’t push me away again when he comes back to bed.
The bathroom light shuts off, plunging the room into darkness, and I let my eyes drift shut as I listen to him remove his jeans before dropping on to the bed. When he doesn’t immediately lie down, I let my worry start to fill my mind again. I listen as his boots hit the floor, one lightly and one with a heavy drop. I can hear his breathing, and it might as well be an echo of my heartbeat. It speeds up with each passing second, and I’m seconds away from crying.
This is it. He’s going to reject me again.
I open my mouth to speak but snap it closed when he shifts his weight and drops down beside me. He doesn’t take me in his arms like I hoped, and with a heavy exhale, I settle in with the knowledge that what we just shared could be considered a mistake to him. And that thought is a killer.
He shifts his body, moving around as if he is unable to find the right position, and right when I’ve all but given up all hope, his strong arm reaches over before pulling me into his body. When his heat seeps into my chilled skin, I mentally cry out with relief.
“Em,” he implores. I can’t understand why he is saying my name with such a pleading tone. Almost like me, he can’t really wrap his mind around what just happened. “Tell me why you made me grab a condom.”
Well, that certainly wasn’t what I was anticipating.
“You know why, Maddox.” I pray that he doesn’t make me say it.
“Are you worried about it?” His fingers draw lazy circles against my shoulder as I think of the best way to express some of my darkest fears.
“You really know how to kill the moment, huh?” My joke falls flat and he remains silent—giving me the time I need to get out what needs to be said. “When Coop found me, before he brought me out to California, it was bad—real bad. The first thing I did was go to the doctor and get tested to make sure he hadn’t given me something. You don’t exactly expect your rapist to be exclusive to you. The tests all came back clean and I haven’t been with anyone else. Until two weeks ago, when I went back to Syn. He hasn’t touched me in almost two weeks and he wasn’t there tonight, so he wouldn’t have gotten to me then. But I won’t lie to you. He didn’t use protection the one time he took liberty with my body. So I would be lying if I said I wasn’t worried.”
He doesn’t respond, but his fingers don’t stop their caress against my skin.
“I wouldn’t be able to live with myself if . . . I just couldn’t take that chance. Not with you.”
His arm tightens with my whispered words, and I close my eyes.
“There are things about me, things that I would rather you hear from my mouth before you see them for yourself. Things that I feel like you should know. I just don’t know how to put it all out there for you, Em.”
His rare open moment of sharing leaves me speechless. I’m not sure what he wants from me in this moment. I’ve learned from the past that you don’t push Maddox, and when he’s ready to tell you something, he’ll do it on his time.
The silence becomes almost too much as I wait for him to go on. His fingers keep tracing imaginary lines on my skin. I shift my thoughts and try to picture what, if anything, he is drawing.
“I’m glad that Coop got you out of there. That he brought you into our lives. My life. Regardless of what happens tomorrow, you need to know that having you around for the last four years has meant more to me than you know.”
I let out a gruff snort. “You have a funny way of showing that.”
“Yeah.”
“Mad—”
“Just give me a second to get it out, okay?” He cuts me off and I snap my lips closed. “There is so much about me that you don’t know, Em. I know that you feel like it would be easy for me to just let you all the way in, but I’ve spent my life learning to keep everyone out. I’ve watched every single person I’ve cared about suffer at my hands, and I can’t live with the knowledge that you will be next. You’re the angel that my demons beg to make fall. The pureness and light that my darkness wants to extinguish.”
My heart breaks with each word muttered from of his lips.
“If I were a simple man, this would be so easy. Bottom line, Emmy, you deserve more than someone broken with more baggage than he can carry. You deserve the whole world and not just the smallest island on it.”
I can’t speak past the lump in my throat. A million thoughts rush through my mind. How he could ever think he’s all of those things is beyond me. Why can’t he see himself how everyone else around him does?