Lillian is such a champ; she definitely takes after Melissa with her fighter’s spirit. She’s been the one I know, in my gut, I don’t have to be concerned about. Even in this short time, I can see little differences in her. She doesn’t look as tiny and breakable as she first did. Don’t get me wrong though. She’s still so little I’m afraid to breathe around her, but she’s a born fighter.
Lyndsie, on the other hand, worries me. I can feel her pain, her struggles, and I crave the ability to take them from her, to heal her. Like her sister, her lungs aren’t developed. A few days after she was born, she had to be placed on a CPAP machine because one of her little lungs collapsed. I didn’t sleep one wink that night. She’s been able to come off of it now, but that still doesn’t stop my fears of something else going wrong. Luckily, she seems to be turning a corner. Our most recent struggle is her reflux and her inability to gain weight. This morning I had more good news from the doctors when they said that Lyndsie hadn’t had any episodes, and kept all her feedings down.
Thank Christ.
I do what I can. I stay strong when all I want to do is break down. I visit all three of my girls. I hold Melissa’s hand while I sing and talk to her. I reach through the girls’ incubators and run my finger across their silky skin, avoiding all the wires, singing softly to them and telling them how much we love them.
“Hey.”
I look up from where I was staring at my feet, and meet Maddox’s hard but sad eyes. He’s never been one to show his emotions, but he would have to be completely heartless to be unaffected by this whole situation.
“Hey,” I breathe.
“How are you feeling? And don’t give me any shit, Greg. There isn’t any way in hell that you’re this calm on the inside.” He props up against the wall next to Melissa’s door and just waits.
I could ignore him like I’ve ignored everyone else but Cohen.
“I’m falling apart, brother. I’ve had to keep my shit locked so tight I feel like someone locked me in a cage and threw away the key. Part of me wants to let loose, uncage the beast I can feel pacing inside me. I want to run through the halls, demanding answers and quick fixes. Goddamn, I just want my girls better and all of this to just be one big nightmare.”
He doesn’t say much for the longest time. He just presses his lips into a thin line. If it weren’t for the rapid drumming of the veins in his neck, I would think he’s the picture of calm and collected. But I know better. I know how much it costs him to just be inside a hospital.
“You remember how it was after I got hurt? You can’t rush these things, Greg. And as much as I wish you could . . . Well, she’ll wake up when her body is ready. Doctors are telling you her brain is ready, scans are showing she’s ready, but mentally she’s locking herself up tight until she is ready. I don’t talk about what it was like for me all those months in the hospital after the attack. You know because you were on my team, but the only reason I pulled through was because I thought I had a reason to wake up. Keep talking to her and remind her why she needs to come back.”
I haven’t heard Maddox speak about the bombing that essentially ended his military career for years. Hell, it’s probably been close to ten now, but damn if it doesn’t give me a spark of hope.
“You know, I don’t know how you always know the right shit to say, but thank you. I’ve been struggling, Mad. Struggling so hard I don’t even know how to get past this bump in the road. I feel like I’m letting everyone down. Even Cohen. God, Maddox . . . he’s been so brave, and I can’t even offer him any kind of promise that his mother and sisters will be okay. How the hell am I going to get past this shit?”
“That’s the easy part. Hike your goddamn big boy panties up and you be the hero that little boy knows you are.”
“Daddy?”
I jump slightly when I hear Cohen’s voice, my brows creasing in concern when I hear his tone, but the second I see his eyes shining with hope, I push myself off the wall and drop down onto my knees in front of him.
“Hey, C-Man. Are you okay?”
“Daddy,” he whispered so softly that I almost didn’t hear him.
“Cohen?” I question, starting to panic slightly.
“Daddy!” Tears begin to pile in his lids, causing my heart to beat at a pace so rapid I fear it might pop right out of my chest.
I feel Maddox move past me into Melissa’s room but keep my eyes focused on Cohen.
“It happened,” His body starts shaking with his gasping breath, and I wrap my arms around him, pulling him into my arms.
“Cohen, please talk to me. I don’t—” I don’t get to finish my thought because I am interrupted when Maddox rushes back into the hallway. One look at his face and I know something has happened.
I scoop Cohen up in my arms and rush past a stunned Maddox, my feet almost too heavy to pick up, but when I get to into the room, I stop dead in my tracks.