“Greg, please . . . please just be honest with me,” I beg of him.
“Iz . . . baby girl, I just don’t know what to say. If I’d any idea that the Axel you told me about was Reid . . .” He trails off, looking back off into space. I have no idea what is going through his head, but if I know Greg, he is riding the guilt train hard.
“What? You would have made him come to me? Little too late for that, G. He had his chance to come to me YEARS ago! Years! It’s not like I didn’t let him know how to find me. I left my grandparents’ address with his foster mother. I was waiting. I waited for years and I would have waited forever. But where was he? Huh? Where was he when I needed him? All those times I needed him. That’s right. Gone.” I can feel the tightness of anger forming in my gut. “I thought he was dead this whole time. You know this, Greg. I’ve thought for twelve long years that the boy I loved was gone forever. Twelve years of feeling empty, lost, and so unbelievably alone.” I’m crying again, and I just can’t seem to stop. The weight of Axel’s return is so heavy; I needed him so badly. “You know I went back to see June, his foster mother, about a year ago. I just wanted to make sure, as stupid as that is. You know what she told me? She told me he was in a better place without me. How was I supposed to take that?”
Greg gets back up and starts his pacing again. I have no idea what’s going through his mind right now, but I can tell he is struggling with it. He knows all about my past with the infamous Axel. I remember one very bad night for me, about six months after I left Brandon. We were watching movies. I have no idea which movie; it was something stupid and cheesy. I remember watching the actors promise to love each other forever, that nothing would ever tear them apart. And then I lost it. I threw my wine glass at the TV, screeching and screaming about how everyone leaves and nothing is forever. Greg had to forcefully hold me down until I was able to calm myself. He sat there holding me still for almost two hours. When I finally stopped thrashing around; he sat me down and demanded I talk.
I told him everything from the day I met Axel at fourteen to the day he left when I was seventeen. I told him about every single wonderful memory we had shared within those three years. Then I told him about my parents, the baby, and then the parties. He knew about the deep devastation I’d felt when I had lost and lost and lost some more. He knew how and when I’d met Brandon—rich, successful, and handsome, Brandon. He knew how vulnerable I had been when he walked into my life and scooped me up; unbeknownst to me, that he was the devil in disguise.
Greg knew everything there was to know about me, but with everything I had shared . . . not once had I told him Axel’s last name. I’m guessing this little bombshell was quite a hit for him. Being ex-military, he always sympathized with the Axel I had told him about. He would always tell me that Axel wouldn’t want me to be in pain over him and what a strong and heroic person he must have been.
Lies. All fucking lies.
Axel didn’t die a hero; he lived a betrayer.
All the dreams that we had, promises we had made, they all seemed like the biggest slap in the face now.
I have mourned the loss of him and the loss of us for so long.
He was the only reason I survived at the hands of Brandon. I would just close myself off and think of him and the times we had together. He was my salvation in the darkest of dark.
“You know what? It doesn’t matter. How can he possibly explain this, G? I can’t go there anymore. I can’t go back there. Not with him. Nothing he can say will heal the wounds he inflicted.” Defeat and overwhelming melancholy have taken root.
“Iz, I don’t know what his reasons are. I don’t feel like this was intentional, baby girl. I really don’t. I talked to him, I saw his face, and he seemed completely clueless. I don’t even think he has put together that you are the person I talked to him about yesterday. There is something missing. I just can’t figure out what it is.”
“Clueless, Greg? Are you kidding me right now?”
“No, baby girl. And as much as it pains me to say this, I really think you two need to sit down and talk.”
“What? No way, Greg. No. I have nothing to say to him. Not one thing. Did you see how mad he was? I didn’t even see his face but I could hear it. I could feel it. He is acting like I did something horrid. What is so horrible about loving someone?”