“What? No! Fuck no! I was doing all of those things because I didn’t have you, because I was trying to forget you.” He shakes his head. “It was horrible, Meebs. Horrible, empty, meaningless fucking. It was everything that we’re not.”
I shiver. I’m still sitting on the edge of the bed with just a towel wrapped around me. He tilts his head to the side whilst looking at me. “Do I disgust you?” he asks.
I shake my head no, without a second’s hesitation. “You don’t disgust me, Con. You were broken and lost your way. What you were doing then, has nothing to do with what we have now. I just hate that she brought part of that world into our home. I don’t like her, Con. I get that you have to work with her, but I don’t want her here again.”
He shakes his head. Reaching out to run his fingertips over my cheek.
“You heard what I said to her, to both of them. I was just coming to bed when they turned up. Lawson said that Amanda was worried and insisted that they come and check on me.”
“Wouldn’t a phone call have been enough?” I ask.
“It would. I know it was just an excuse. She’s always wanted more, I told her from the very beginning that it was just sex, but she calls and texts continuously. Just about every time I see her I make it clear that she needs to stop that she’ll never mean anything to me,” he’s getting angry again as he speaks. “I’m sorry Meebs. I’m sorry for having such a fucked up past and I’m sorry for all the shit that’s going on in the news about us right now. It pisses me off that they never give me a chance. That they never just come and ask me outright for the truth. They’ll print and report their made up stories and it won’t matter what I say or do afterwards, the public will only remember the shitty parts.” He stands up and starts to pace.
“Con, it’s okay. We’ll deal with it. We know the truth,” I try to reassure him.
“That’s not the point though, Meebs. You don’t know what they’re like. They won’t see us as people. They’ll just see us like a story. Their next headline. It scares me. I’ve dealt with their bullshit before, they know all of my secrets, but they’ll dig up everything they can on you, Meebs. Everything.” I watch the column of his throat move as he swallows hard. “I’m scared you’ll run. I’m scared you won’t be able to handle it. Just for once, I wish they’d see me as a person. One that’s capable of feelings, of loving and hurting. Then perhaps they’d see us as a couple in love, not a fucking commodity. Just for once, I wish they’d see me for more than this, Meebs.” I recoil as he slaps himself, hard around the face. “And this.” He grabs at his crotch. “They think that that’s what I’m all about, that there’s nothing but my face and my reputation as someone who fucks a lot of women. Someone who’s been to prison, who was in a car crash, trapped, upside down, watching as his brother took his last breath. That I’m someone that hid in the corner and watched as my mother’s pimp, dealer or whatever the fuck he was squeezed her throat until the light went out of her eyes, which just happened to be looking at me at that moment.” I watch as he stands in front of me and wipes his nose across the back of his hand. My heart is breaking into so many tiny pieces as I witness his anguish, that I doubt that it’ll ever be whole again. “It’s always the shit, Meebs. They never see the good in me, only the shit and I’m so scared, so fucking scared that eventually, one day, that’s all you’ll see too.”
My entire being hurts for him, my heart, lungs and bones, my hair and my skin. Everything that I am is in pain as the man I love bares his soul to me.
“I love you, Con. I love you so much and I’ll never leave. We’ll get through this. I swear I won’t run. We’ll stand and fight the fuckers together. As long as I have you, Con, I can do that.”
He drops to his knees in front of me and puts his head in my lap. I rake my fingers through the hair of my poor broken rock star and try my hardest to make his world just a little bit better as he cries and I cry.
The birds start to sing, the sun eventually starts to rise, a new day dawns and we climb under the duvet still clinging to each other, cocooned from the outside world. Just me and him hanging on tight until sleep finally claims us.
Conner
I’ve given Matt two weeks off and drive Meebs and myself down to Cornwall, after causing a diversion to avoid the press hanging about outside the gates of our home. I bought the house here last year, but I haven’t visited it since and I want to give Meebs the opportunity to decorate it to her taste. I want her to feel like this is hers as much as mine.