I make my way down to my kitchen, feeling like shit but looking and smelling a whole lot better than I have for the last few weeks, or however long it’s been since I got back from the States.
As I reach the bottom of the stairs, I can hear talking and laughter coming from the kitchen. For some reason, the sounds mixed with the smell of bacon makes my chest and my throat tighten again. Tears sting my eyes as I hear my brother laugh. I’m suddenly overwhelmed by the loneliness I’ve felt since Jet’s death. I know it’s my own fault. I know I’ve handled things badly by shutting myself away from the people that wanted to help me, but I felt like everything was out of my control. What Jet did, my thoughts, feelings and emotions, the fans reactions and grief, they were all things that were out of my control. So I stepped away. If I couldn’t control the situation, then I’d remove myself and find something I could control. I locked myself away with a case of Wild Turkey Pure Honey and drank myself into a beautiful oblivion. But I know now is the time to sort my shit out and face the world. It was time to take back control of my life.
Everyone except Sandra is sitting around my large dining table. I love this room, it’s the reason that I’d bought the house. It is one big open space that contains a large kitchen and breakfast bar, a huge dining table that seats fourteen, a couple of big leather sofas, that face a huge open fire and my big, fuck off television. There are timber bi-fold doors that go around three sides of the room and open out onto the patio, pool and gardens of the property. I smile to myself as I look around at everyone sitting at the table. If they knew how proud I was of this room they’d all take the piss out of me, but if you’d had the upbringing I’d had and lived in some of the places I did, you’d get where I was coming from. This home is mine. I own it outright. No mortgage and no loan. It was in serious need of renovation and modernisation when I’d bought it, and I worked side by side with my dad and my brothers to make it what it is today.
Damn, fucking straight I am proud.
My eyes meet Josh’s and he gives me a small smile and a head nod.
“What the fuck you doing here, Gardner? You’re looking sharp man… looking sharp.”
He stands up from the table and doesn’t hesitate to take the three steps toward me and pull in for a blokey cuddle and a few slaps on the back.
“Good to see ya, mate. So sorry about Jet. I did leave you a few messages, but from what I hear things have been messy for the last few weeks. You doing okay?”
I let out a deep breath. “I’ve been a mess to be honest with ya Josh, but I know I need to get my shit together. There’s nothing I can do to bring him back.” I look him square in the eye as I speak. I have no secrets from Josh, we’ve known each other since infant school and although we don’t get to catch up with each other too often these days, I still love him like a brother.
“You look really well, Josh. It’s good to see ya.”
“Thanks, I just had a week away with Soph.”
My stomach lurches and my chest tightens at the mention of Josh’s sister, Sophie. It’s not that I don’t like the girl, I do. Growing up, she was like a little sister to me, but she’s Meebs’ best mate, so we just don’t mention her. It’s sort of an unwritten rule among us. We’re blokes for fuck’s sake, we don’t do all that feelings bollocks. He knows I hurt, but he also knows that I don’t want to talk about it.
“How is she?” I ask. He nods his head slowly. He also knows what I’m asking, without actually saying the words.
“She’s good. She’s good…” I can hear the but coming. He hesitates before going on.
Do I want to know?
Do I care how Meebs is?
I know nothing about her life except that she and Sophie are in business together and have a chain of hair salons. I only know this much, because Tyler’s wife Jenna goes to their salon in Esher and she mentioned it to me.
On the rare occasions Josh mentions his sister, he usually just nods and says, “She’s good, they’re both good.” My heart is banging in my chest so hard, that it’s forcing the blood through the veins in my throat so fast, it’s actually painful.