I moved off the stool and walked around the island bench to where he stood. His eyes tracked my every movement and I knew from the intense way he watched me that I needed to find the right words to express what I was feeling.
I placed my hand on his chest and then ran it down his t-shirt before grasping his shirt in my hand; needing to maintain closeness to him. “I was raised a good country girl, Scott, and in the country we get married young, and have kids. Family is everything and it’s something I’ve always wanted. But I made so many bad choices where men were concerned -” I ignored the way his nostrils flared and the way his vein pulsed in his neck, “ – that I had begun to wonder if I’d ever find a good man. Instead, I started to concentrate on my art and thought about trying to make a living from it. But then I found you and fell pregnant, and changed course again. I was so excited to be pregnant even though it wasn’t something you and I had planned. And then I lost our baby, and well, we all know where that ended up.” I took a breath. “I feel like I’ve failed all the way around,” I admitted softly.
His brows pulled together as he processed everything I’d said. “You haven’t failed. I mean, fuck, losing a baby by no fault of your own is not what I’d call failing - ”
I tugged on his shirt and cut him off. “I’m not saying the way I am feeling is right. I’m just trying to explain to you where I’m at. I know I have a lot of work to do on my thinking, and myself, but you asked what I was thinking today, and that’s it.” Spending the day going through my journals and then painting had unlocked a range of emotions and shed some light on where the churning in my gut was coming from. Unlike I’d assumed, my unhappiness didn’t just stem from losing a baby.
“Damn straight it’s not right,” he said with force and I loved my man even more in that moment. His faith in me was astounding some days. Having a man in your corner like I did was everything, especially on the days where you felt like you’d been beaten into that corner by the blows life dealt.
I smiled. “I also need to tell you that I came to see you this morning because I was feeling down. I thought I’d turned a corner yesterday and then last night with you was amazing so I went to bed thinking today was going to be another great day. But I woke up feeling low, which sucked.”
“Fuck, it’s like a damn rollercoaster, isn’t it?”
“Yeah, but I’m not going to let it get the best of me.” And I wouldn’t; now that I’d remembered the parts of me I’d forgotten, I’d fight to find them again. Regardless of how hard the journey would be.
He took hold of my hand that held his shirt. “Your art helped today?”
I nodded. “Yes, it always does.”
Cocking his head to the side, he asked, “Why didn’t you do it sooner?”
“I don’t think I was ready for it,” I admitted. “It wasn’t a conscious decision, but I think I knew deep down that my art would bring all the hard stuff I have to deal with to the surface. And I think I had to move through my feelings about our baby first.”
“This bullshit about you feeling like you should have cooked dinner? That’s gotta stop, babe. I’d rather you spend time figuring your head out through your art than cooking me dinner.” Scott always seemed to have the ability to say the exact right thing to me when I needed to hear it. Even if it sometimes came out in his trademark bossy way.
I moved into him so our bodies touched – my favourite place to be. Reaching up, I curled my hand around his neck and pulled his face down to mine so I could kiss him. His mouth opened with hesitation and we found each other in the one place we never failed to find each other. Being in his arms reminded me of what I held important.
When he ended the kiss, he held my face and ran his thumb over my cheek. “I know I’m a hard-ass, and I probably don’t say shit very well, but I need you to know that the only thing I want is for you to get back to being you. I don’t want you to worry about me or looking after me by cooking and shit; that’s not important at the moment. Let me do all the worrying for the moment; let me help get you through this.”
I nodded. “I will. I’m not the kind of person who is good with letting someone else carry my load, but I’m trying to share it.”
His eyes narrowed on me. “When you talked about having a family before, does that mean you want to try again for a baby?”
“I’ve thought a lot about it, but I’m still not sure how I feel about trying again just yet.” My mind was still a mess of confusion on this so I figured the best thing to do was keep working through my feelings before rushing into it.
“Okay. We don’t need to speed shit up; when you’re ready we’ll talk more about it.”