“Your reputation is safe with me, Muerto. You do attend Lamaze classes with Rachel though once a week. That threw my murder meter calibration off on the Muerto alarm.”
“Those classes are a joke. I’ve delivered two babies, one in Afghanistan, and one in Morocco. When the pain hits, I don’t care if it’s Wonder Woman giving birth to Batman’s baby, no amount of huffing and puffing while ordering her to breathe works. It’s a feel good thing like giving hugs – for a few seconds, the hugger feels important, and the huggee feels loved. The pain hits, and all bets are off.”
“You delivered two babies? Good God in heaven. Why in the world haven’t you ever told me that? The deadliest killer on earth bringing new life into the world. If that didn’t give the cosmos a heart attack of imbalance, I don’t know what would.”
“One of them I delivered during a firefight, where I had to play sniper in between contractions. The Mom was the wife of an Afghan soldier we were training. The midwives of the village wouldn’t come near her, because they figured rightly if the Taliban found out, they’d be toast. I got a twofer on that delivery.”
“What the hell does that mean? What’d you get?”
“The Mom named the baby after me, and gave me the name of the head Taliban asshole in the region. I took off that night while little Nicholas Wardak slept peacefully in the arms of his Mom. I blew the head off Emil Balkhi when he popped out of his shack to take a whizz. When I followed taking poor old Emil out with picking his crew off one by one at night, they stopped fooling around with the villagers, and sued for peace with us. They logically figured if they didn’t become allies, I would just hang around shooting them in the head until we didn’t need any more allies.”
“In case I’ve never mentioned this, Muerto, you are a very bad man.”
“But Payaso, I brought little Nick into this world.”
“Somehow, that loses its soothing effect when you kill how many?”
“Uh… fifteen.”
“Madre de Dios!”
“Calm down, Payaso. Let’s focus here. We were talking about Lamaze classes with Rachel. I’m telling you they don’t work, but I know what to do that will: guaranteed.”
“I’m afraid to ask what that might be, but go ahead, enlighten me.”
“Pressure points. I know them all. When the contractions start making Rach scream, I’ll apply pressure to the nerve at the base of her neck while huffing and puffing shouting ‘breathe’ in her face. She’ll pass out, until Quinn decides to make his appearance. Easy-Peasy.”
“Madre de Dios!”
*
Rachel met them at the door. “Guess what, Muerto, your school confrontation made the news. I was checking for a bulletin on your escapade last night as you asked for, and surprise, El Muerto defends the flag at our own little grammar school.”
“In my defense, I backed the Marines. There is no downside to doing that. Plus, I met a lot of vets who had been keeping to themselves. If the clip goes national, I’ll sell another million books. C’mon, Gus. Let’s get our beach visit equipment ready. We can’t keep John waiting.”
“I’m going with you.” Rachel followed Nick and Gus into their kitchen. “I need a good walk this morning.”
“Okay, but I’m not running for the car today. Gus, can you drive our car down to the beach parking lot. Then we’ll have transportation for emergency bathroom runs. The Princess can drive down the street to the golf course, and use the bathroom there.”
“Good solution, Muerto,” Rachel said. “I’ll get dressed. Thanks, Gus.”
“My pleasure,” Gus said as Rachel turned to walk toward the stairs. “I exercised on the Dagger walk to school. Plus, as you know, there was entertainment this morning. I’m not required to do two more hours in the gym like Muerto does. Driving down to the beach with the chairs, and refreshments works for me.”
“You talk like I drive somewhere. You can work out with me in my gym right here. I won’t even charge you a fee.”
“No thanks, Muerto. I’m good. I want to see Rachel’s reaction when you tell her about your pressure point baby delivery scheme though, so I’ll hang around until she gets dressed. Take your time, Rach.”
Rachel’s eyes narrowed. “What pressure point baby delivery scheme?”
Nick quickly goosed her in the direction of the stairs. “Never mind. It was a joke. Now hurry and get dressed, or the McCarty Express will leave without you.”
“Okay, but I’m getting my answer some time this morning about what the hell a pressure point baby delivery is.”
Nick waited until Rachel reached the top of their stairs. He then poked a forefinger in Gus’s chest as his partner enjoyed the blindside hit on Nick. “Have you ever had a kidney transplant, Payaso?”
“You know I haven’t.”
“Want one?”