“I take it you’re referring to my reply to the latest one you did on Caribbean Contract where you stated you had read all my novels, but couldn’t get through two chapters of Caribbean Contract. You also claimed it was a waste of money, my writing sucked, and you had read better prose from high school kids. Then you claimed I was no Hemingway. I merely pointed out once again as with all your other one star hit pieces, that Amazon gives you three chapters for free, so why not read the preview, and avoid the novel. Lastly, I agreed with you that I was indeed not Hemingway, but that I did know how to spell his name, which you misspelled.”
A ripple of laughter went through the crowd in appreciation of Nick’s Hemingway comment. Nick could tell Bongo hadn’t intended for the details to be heard. Nick sliced away while watching Bongo’s head threaten to explode. “Coming here in person really wasn’t very smart, Bongo. Any derogatory remark you spout off about I can answer with a simple plot question, which you won’t know the answer to, because you’ve never read a single novel of mine. Think before you dig a deeper hole for yourself. Just saying I suck as a writer only works in the anonymous Amazon comments section. Here, I can ask for particulars, including plot points, which you won’t know. You’ve been somewhat entertaining, Bongo. Let’s part friends now while you can. Folks! Can we give Bongo a great sendoff? Bye Bongo. Bye Bongo.”
In a split second everyone in the store was waving as Nick did, singing Bye Bongo. Ken, the security guard, moved next to Bongo. With a guiding hand, he escorted the red-faced Bongo to the exit.
Nick stood for a moment as everyone calmed down. “Look folks. I’m the first to admit my pulp fiction is not for everyone. There is graphic violence, romance, humor, and politically incorrect speech incorporated into every novel I write. Those ingredients are fully on display in the preview chapters Amazon provides for the novel free. Anyone having read the other novels in my Diego series, and is now disappointed in either the flavor of what I’m doing, or the character interaction, that is legitimate criticism. I probably won’t change the way I write, but I appreciate the honest feedback. What Bongo and the other BK’s do on the Amazon marketplace is laughable, but their hit pieces do kill sales. Contrary to my fellow authors’ advice to ignore all reviews, I read them, enjoy them, and interact when it’s a BK, or there is a question I can answer, because I never get mad, but enough speech. Step right up to the Un-Hemingway signing table and state your case.”
Nick bowed comically at the smattering of applause, and sat down again next to Gus. The next lady placed her copy of Assassin’s Folly in front of Nick.
“That was a very entertaining conversation, Mr. McCarty. I would like a special signing if that’s okay.”
“Sure.” Nick opened the book and prepared to write.
“Write this - I’m so sorry, Mary.”
Uh oh. Nick could feel the jaws of Karma closing around him. He wrote down the dictation. “Okay.”
“I will never use a comma before a dependent clause again – signed Nick McCarty.”
Oh boy.
*
“You guys have been uncharacteristically quiet,” Rachel said. “I can tell even the Daughter of Darkness is waiting for some interaction about bookstore day.”
“That’s right, Gomez,” Tina added. “Usually, you and Payaso are raving about one thing or another happening in the bookstore. Did something bad happen?”
“Gus and I are merely enjoying this quiet limo ride to the Lodge. I’m beginning to think a spot of the Jack Daniels I saw in the limo bar may be needed, brother Payaso.”
“I know it’s needed.” Gus began fixing two large glasses with ice and Jack Daniels. “I was just waiting for the starting gunshot. Here, Muerto. Salute.”
Nick toasted with his glass, and drank deeply. He grinned and sighed with contentment. “Oh my Lord, that was so good. I’m glad they don’t have an open bar at these events. I believe Payaso and I would not make it past 2 pm.”
“That bad, huh?”
“Not bad, Dagger,” Gus said. “Customer interaction is a blast, but it does have its highs and lows. John called me to rave about his video with you handling the Book Killer. The little Muerto Sock Puppet said he nearly laughed himself into a coma when you led the goodbyes to Bongo.”
“Yeah, but then I was knifed in the back by a dependent clause/comma Nazi,” Nick complained while refilling his glass. “She’s right, but I don’t even know if I did it or not. She scared me. I figured if I asked for proof, she’d whip out her list of a thousand or something.”
“The fearless El Muerto afraid of a grammar editor? Say it isn’t so,” Rachel pleaded comically. “That makes me want to read your novels all again with my red pen.”
Nick hung his head. “Editing is the most humbling experience on earth.”
“I thought you said admitting you were wrong was the most humbling experience.”
“That too,” Nick replied without raising his head.
“The inspiration for Diego’s seafaring sidekick Jed had a good day though. I answered many questions about my scenes in the books. Would you like me to tell you about them?”
“I’d rather see the video clips of the Book Killer and the dependent clause/comma Nazi,” Tina said. “I’ve heard all about your little boat cruises.”
“Fine… I know when I’m underappreciated. Here.” Gus turned his tablet so the females could all see.