That’s definitely something none of us wanted to witness back when we were in our twenties. Seeing that shit now, in a room filled with elderly people, would definitely kill everyone, and then Kevin’s life would be ruined.
“You guys have such little faith in me,” Jenny says with a shake of her head, pulling out from under Drew’s arm. “We’re doing the vibrator races the way they are supposed to be conducted. By putting them in your mouth and whoever gives the best blow job, wins!”
Jenny turns and makes her way back over to the refreshment table while we all stare after her.
“So, it looks like a lot more of our neighbors will be getting dentures today after they chip all their teeth,” Jim muses, pushing himself up from his chair and turning to hold out his hand to Liz. “Let’s go, my love. It will be fun. I’m sure there will be lots of blood. You like blood and pain when it’s happening to other people.”
With a sigh, Liz grabs his hand and laces her fingers through his.
“If someone whips out their dentures and I get hit with them, I will murder you in your sleep,” she warns him as Jim gives her a kiss on the cheek.
They amble over to the now growing crowd around the refreshment table, listening to Jenny give instructions. When they’re gone, Drew turns to Carter and me.
“Thank you guys for your help today. It really means a lot to me that you would do all of this. I just...it means a lot. We’ve been friends for a long time. Jesus, over fifty years. I know sometimes I can be over the top, but I just wanted us to have fun. I just wanted a day where we could remember what it was like to be young again,” he tells us with a smile.
“Awww, buddy, look at you being all sweet and emotional in your old age. It’s the stool softener, isn’t it? A good daily poop just puts you in a better mood,” Carter laughs, giving him a pat on the back.
“I HAVE A BOGGY PROSTATE, AND IT GIVES ME CONSTIPATION!” Drew shouts, punching my husband in the arm before turning and walking over to the vibrator races that have just begun, going by the shouting and screaming we hear on the other side of the room.
Once he’s gone and it’s just Carter and me left, my husband grabs both of my hands and gently pulls me up from my chair, wrapping his arms around my waist. I press my hands against his chest and look up at him with a smile, knowing that even with age, a few wrinkles, and a full head of salt and pepper hair, he’s still the handsomest man in the room, and I’m lucky that he still puts up with me after all these years.
“I have a surprise for you,” Carter says with a mischievous smile, removing one of his arms from around me to reach into the front pocket of his pants.
He fishes around for a second and then pulls his hand out, holding it palm up in between us.
“Oh, my God. Is that a Chocolate and Cockup?” I ask with a laugh when I see the little chocolate chew sitting in the middle of his hand.
“I confiscated one right before Drew threw what was left away. So, what do you think, Mrs. Ellis? Wanna go sneak off somewhere and have some crazy, young people sex for a few hours?” he asks with a wag of his eyebrows.
“I love you so much. And I would like nothing more than to go find somewhere quiet and have some crazy, young people sex with you.”
I take the chocolate chew out of his hand, stare at it for a few seconds, and then toss it over my shoulder.
“Damn, now I won’t have an uncontrollable boner for the next three hours,” Carter complains with a laugh.
Clutching the front of his shirt into my fists, I pull his face down closer to mine.
“The Viagra was mushed up into a stool softener, remember? You also won’t have uncontrollable shitting for the next three hours,” I remind him.
“Yeah, that doesn’t sound very enjoyable,” Carter nods.
Tipping my chin up, I give him a quick kiss on the lips before pulling back to look into his eyes.
“Baby, I would love to have crazy, young people sex with you, but we are no longer crazy young people,” I remind him.
“We did successfully throw a rave today, and you got stoned out of your mind. I may or may not have taken a picture of you staring at the wall with a little drool coming out of the corner of your mouth and sent it to the grandkids,” he informs me.
“And, what did they say?”
“They said their grandma is the shit,” he says with a smile and a shrug.
“Damn right she is! So, how about we just go back to our condo, take a nice, long nap, then I’ll take out my dentures and give you a blow job during Wheel of Fortune?” I suggest.
“Can I eat strawberry Jell-O, while watching Wheel of Fortune, while you give me a blow job?”
“Yes, yes you can.”
“We’re not crazy young people anymore,” Carter says with a shake of his head.
“No, we are not.”
“I’m okay with that. Wheel of Fortune Jell-O blow jobs are more my speed anyway.”
Pulling away from each other, my husband takes my hand and we make our way through the room, pausing to glance over at all of our friends who are still watching the vibrator race. Jim and Liz break away from the cheering, screaming group first and meet us over by the door.
“This was a fun day, but I need a nap,” Jim says with a sigh.
“Claire, I think I’m skipping bingo tonight. I’m exhausted and my knees are killing me,” Liz adds.
“Yeah, we were just heading upstairs to take a nap too. Those pot brownies are wearing off and the arthritis in my hip is bothering me,” I tell her.
“Are you guys leaving the party already?” Jenny complains with a pout as her and Drew join us. “We still have three more rounds of vibrator races before we crown a winner, and Drew sent Mr. Sampson out to go steal a few golf carts. We’re gonna sneak out after curfew and go to a strip club! This party was such a huge hit, that every said we should make it an anally thing.”
“I don’t think that means what you think it means,” Liz sighs.
“Anally. Every year. Duh,” Jenny scoffs.
“Maybe next time, sweetie,” I tell her with a smile before Liz starts losing her shit. “This was a good day, wasn’t it?”
Everyone nods and murmurs their approval, while also rubbing their backs and wincing a little bit in pain.
“Are we getting too old for this shit?” Jim asks.
We all take another look around the room at all the smiling, happy old people and shake our heads, replying in unison.
“Never!”
“Anally it is then!” Jim says with a laugh. “We’ll have an entire year to rest up and prepare for the next boner marijuana rave.”
Good lord, we’re all so ridiculous. But at least we’re not boring.
Or too cocky for our own good.
The End
Check out Tara's newest comedy series, The Naughty Princess Club: http://tarasivec.com/series/the-naughty-princess-club/
About the Author
Tara Sivec is a USA Today best-selling author, wife, mother, chauffeur, maid, short-order cook, baby-sitter, and sarcasm expert. She lives in Ohio with her husband and two children, and looks forward to the day when they all three of them become adults and move out.
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