I’m not sure who Dani is just yet. I’m still trying to live up to the image I have of her in my head, but I know she’s loud, outrageous, and unafraid. She will never bow down to a man. She will never let anyone control her life. She will embrace being a woman, but be the strongest one that ever walked and the only thing Dani and Melinda will ever have in common is their love of Ray and Nic. Regardless of my name, I will always put those two first in everything.
That’s the plan, and I live up to it mostly. There are days I forget. Days when parts of Melinda and the fear that helped to destroy her creeps in and I have to fight and push it back. Today is not one of those days. Today I’m driving down the road with my girl Nic, in her Mercedes convertible, the wind in my hair, and feeling like I’m taking another step into Dani…at least the Dani I want to be.
I hold my hands up letting the wind flow through my hair and yell out.
“Whoooooooo….”
It’s a fake sound to my ears, but as I look to the side, I notice that Nicole is smiling. So my mission is achieved. If she honestly knew how I felt right now, it would hurt her. I’m excited to be moving with her, but I wish it was out West. I tried to talk her into it, I figure the more mileage between me and Michael the better. Nicole insisted we didn’t have the money to do that. I suggested we use his money. She said no, that I might need it in the future. She didn’t say it, but I knew what she meant. She thought he might find me someday and we would have to run. Just the thought of that causes me to get dizzy, making black spots fill my vision and I want to pass out. Panic attacks…I fucking hate them! They kick in without warning and they get such a strong hold on me, it’s hard to breathe.
I look down and see my hands shake. Shit. I can’t do this right now. I fight to keep Nic and Ray clueless to the things I deal with. They’ve done enough and seriously, I don’t want their pity. I can’t handle that.
“Hey, I’m thirsty!” I call out to Nic. I’m not. We’re only about fifteen or twenty minutes from the house we’ve rented. Yet, if I don’t get a drink and one of my pills, this panic attack will go from zero to sixty and I’m going to let all my crazy hang out. I can’t do that. I can’t…I won’t.
We’re just thirty minutes away!” She yells back, and you can tell she’s not excited about stopping.
“Big damn deal, let’s get some drinks and chocolate, girl!” I yell back, the music is annoying me and grating on my nerves. Panic attacks and loud noises do not mix, but this song, this speaker thumping sounds like something Dani would want.
Nic flips on her turn signal to get over and takes the upcoming exit.
I wrap a band in my hair, attaching a messy bun at the back of my neck. I need to keep my hands busy and hide the shaking.
“Whatcha’ want, bitch?” I ask, yelling over the music. Ludacris is blasting through the speakers. There’s this pain behind my eyes and the blinding black spots are still floating in my vision. I need to get out of here quick. There are people everywhere and it feels like all of their eyes are on me. Goosebumps skitter across my skin and a blast of cold…stark cold fear, chills me to the bone.
“Pepsi, fountain if they have it,” she says back, her attention landing on a bunch of bikers to the side of the parking lot. I nod and try not to run into the gas station. I manage, barely. It is definitely a fast pace, with my head down. I’m counting backwards from a hundred in my head, trying to stave off the attack. My eyes are glued to my feet as I say a number in my mind with each footstep, making them smooth and rhythmic to try and slow my thoughts and heart rate down. I really should have looked up, because I run into a solid steel wall—of muscle.
I look up to see the sexiest man I have ever laid eyes on in my life. Skin tanned and warmed lovingly by the sun, beautiful dark hair scattered in different directions with the wind, a leather biker cut over his chest with a black, sleeveless tank under that and tattoos, lots of tattoos. Praise Jesus, this man has gorgeous ink and he looks like a piece of art. In another life, this man would have made Melinda pray he noticed her. Would he notice Melinda? In her retro-styled dresses and perfectly pulled back pony tail and looking like she belonged on the set of ‘Leave It to Beaver’?