“Kit,” my mom manages through giggles, “did you really?”
I shrug. “He deserved it.”
Shawn grins at me, but the gaze I return to him is hard. This doesn’t make us friends. This doesn’t make us even. And it sure as hell doesn’t make us okay.
I thought I could pretend not to hate him, but I can’t. Not with him smiling at me like it’s okay to smile at me. The light fades from his eyes, his lips, his face, and we’re just staring at each other with a million unspoken things in the air.
Don’t come, I texted him. And now all I’m thinking is, Get up, go home, don’t call me. Ever.
“That’s so badass.” Bryce praises my wet willy incident and then turns to my mom. “Mom, you should’ve seen her onstage last night. She was such a fu—” He coughs to stop himself from getting whacked in the head for cursing. “Freaking rock star. She took her shirt off and threw it out into the crowd and—”
“She took her shirt off?” my mother practically shrieks, stealing my attention from Shawn. But then his hand finds mine under the table, and when he tries to hold it, I jerk it out of his grasp.
My fists start to shake. My arms, my legs. What the fuck does he think he’s doing?
I don’t look at him. I can’t. I’m two seconds from standing up and running from the table in an angry fit of tears. Either that, or stabbing a fork in his eye.
He tried to hold my hand. Why the fuck did he try to hold my hand?
“Her flannel,” Kale corrects Bryce, but Mason cuts in before my mom can be relieved.
“She was practically getting naked.”
I break my thoughts from Shawn to glare at Mason from across the table. He challenges me with his stare, and I’m silently promising to murder him, when a pea hits me right in the cheek. Ryan laughs down at his plate, and I make a mental note to get revenge for the pea after dinner, because if I do anything about it now, every single person at this table will end up covered in mashed potatoes—and Shawn will probably end up with a chair smashed over his head.
“No more taking clothes off,” my dad proclaims with his eyes on the stuffing he’s soaking in gravy, and everyone at the table snickers. Everyone but me and Shawn.
“So, Mike,” my mom says when the madness has died down, “what about you? Have a girlfriend?”
He shakes his head as he finishes chewing his food. “Not for a while.”
My mom shoots me a quick smile, and I roll my eyes.
“Oh,” she says. “Why not? A handsome guy like you, I figured you’d be beating them away with one of your drumsticks.”
“Nah,” Mike says with a bashful smile and his cheeks turning pink, “I leave that to Adam and Shawn.”
My mom turns her mischievous grin on the boy who broke my heart. “No girlfriend for you either?”
When Shawn’s gaze slowly lifts to lock with mine, I curse the day he was born. I curse the day I was born. There’s not a damn person at this table who doesn’t see the way he’s looking at me—except maybe my dad, since he’s eyeball-deep in stuffing—and Shawn’s answer makes things even worse. “I’m not sure.”
“Oh?” my mom asks, and Shawn holds my lethal gaze for a moment longer before finally turning away.
“I don’t know.”
He doesn’t know? He lies to me for months, keeps me a dirty secret, apologizes for everything, shows up at my house after I ask him not to come, tries to hold my hand when I’d obviously rather shove his in a meat grinder, and he doesn’t know?
“What’s not to know, sweetie?”
I surprise myself by slamming my fork down so hard on my plate, even my dad gives me his undivided attention. Ten sets of eyes are on me when I snap at everyone, “I can actually think of a lot of things you don’t know.” With all those eyes on me, with Shawn at my side playing the victim, I can’t stop. I see the cliff I’m about to careen off of, and my foot punches the gas. This has been a long time coming. Six fucking years, and then some. Everything I’ve ever wanted to say to Shawn comes exploding to the surface, and I say it in front of everyone.
With my dark eyes bouncing between my brothers, I bark, “Like, did you know that Shawn fucked me at Adam’s party the day you guys graduated?”
The way I stare around at all four of their white-stricken faces without batting an eye stands testament to how much of my mind has officially left the building. Even the guys from the band have lost their color, but more and more secrets keep pouring from my mouth.
“That was the reason I was so depressed that summer. He asked for my number like he was going to call me, but then he never did. He fucked me in Adam’s bedroom and then he never even called me.”
Everyone just sits there, stunned into frozen silence, and I laugh when I remember the most important detail. My head whips in Shawn’s direction, my fierce gaze stabbing him between the eyes.
“Wait, I haven’t even gotten to the best part yet! Did you know that was the night I lost my virginity?”